Page 17 of Like First Love, Again

“Jenny Amador?” Mia’s attention darted inside. They’d chatted with her for a few minutes and she seemed normal. “What happened to her?”

Ashley chuckled like Mia was a moron. An adorable dolt.

Mia narrowed her gaze.

“Bartender Jen,” Ashley explained after a beat. “From Lavender Lounge?”

Tori was motionless. Her body language saying something likea sinkhole would be great right about now.

“Who we both had the misfortune of dating.” Ashley’s glance floated to Tori like Mia would finally connect dots she didn’t know existed.

“Oh, right!” she lied through the shock. “ThatJen.”

Ashley continued talking, but Mia couldn’t make her brain pay attention. She was sinking into a confusing vortex of noise. There was no way Tori dated women and never mentioned it. Noway. They’d always known everything about each other. Mia had shown Tori how the hell to wear tampons, for fuck’s sake.

But the more Ashley said, the more apparent it became that she knew Tori better than Mia did. That they apparently knew the same people. People Mia had never heard of… No, not people. Women. Women that dated other women.

Mia’s stomach soured when she realized Tori was avoiding her gaze. Sifting through their years of friendship, she hunted for what she could have done for Tori not to trust her. Had she ever made some dumb off-hand comment to make her think she wouldn’t accept her for who she was?

Maybe Tori hadn’t known back then, Mia thought to slow the spiraling. If she’d known something as huge as her sexual identity, she would have told her. They’d always told each other everything. She repeated it like a mantra and gulped her wine.

An eternity later, Mia was tipsy and numb when she climbed into the passenger seat of Tori’s Jeep. She’d spent the last three hours running through conversations in her head, formulating how to address the rainbow elephant sitting between them.

Her imagined self was calmly nonchalant. The picture of cool and collected with all the right words coming out in the exact right order.

When they were finally alone and Mia opened her mouth, her mother’s I’m-not-mad-I’m-disappointed voice shot out instead. “How could you not tell me?”

Tori didn’t turn on the car. Sitting in the dark, she didn’t look over at her when she replied, “It never came up.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Mia’s heart was thundering and her brain was a beehive. “Do you still date guys, too?”

She’d never been so devastated not to know something so important about someone she loved. She didn’t know what to say. It was all she could do not to blurt that her favoritecoworker was gay. Even with her head spinning, she was sure that wouldn’t ease the suffocating awkwardness.

“A little in college.” With her hands balled in her lap, Tori focused on her steering wheel. “But…um…I’m definitely a five on the Kinsey Scale.”

Mia wished she could pull her phone out and look up what the hell that meant. She didn’t know there was a scale. Then again, sexual identity wasn’t something she’d ever thought much about at all.

“Is this a problem for you?” Tori asked, looking up at her for the first time, eyes glistening and cleaving Mia’s heart in two.

Mia didn’t know how she had any tears left, but there they were, rushing up to blur her vision before she wiped them away. “How could you think that of me?” She couldn’t hide the spider cracks in her voice.

When Tori swallowed so hard that it echoed in the Jeep, Mia shifted in her seat. She leaned forward to take both of Tori’s clammy hands in hers. “There’s nothing you could tell me that would make me care about you any less, Tori.”

Her chest burned when Tori looked away like she didn’t believe her. She desperately wanted to ask if this was why she’d pulled away from her all those years ago, but resisted. She wanted Tori to believe that she still loved her as much as she had when they were kids. That knowing everything about her could only make her love her more.

“You’re having a huge reaction for someone who’s cool with things,” Tori finally said when she looked at her again, fear joining the mist in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” She squeezed Tori’s hands. “I just can’t believe freaking Ashley Mora knew something about you before I did.” She shook her head. “You didn’t even like her all that much in high school. You said she was a ball hog with weird breath.”

Tori flashed her the briefest dimple when she breathed a chuckle. “Thatshe remembers,” she said like she was talking to someone else. “It’s not like I’ve hidden who I am, Mia.” She relaxed, squeezing Mia’s hands before letting them go.

“You just didn’t want to tell me in particular?” Mia wanted more than anything to understand. There was a universe of things Tori was holding back. Mia knew her well enough to know that, at least.

“It’s not like that,” Tori replied without offering what itwaslike.

“Did you think I wouldn’t understand?” Mia asked softly, keeping her tone free of judgment. “Because I would—I mean, I do.” She ventured a little smile. “I’ve kissed girls before, you know. I’m very cool and progressive.”

Tori rolled her eyes before she smirked. “And how many of those were drunk kisses for the male gaze?”

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