Page 27 of Like First Love, Again

“And you’ve built your perfectly ordered life to never experience an ounce of that,” Larissa finished.

Attention snapping back to Larissa, Tori straightened. “What the hell?”

“I’m not making judgments.” Larissa put both her hands up to show she wasn’t wielding weapons. “Just pointing out some facts. Control might be an illusion, but it is comforting. I get why?—”

“What side are you on?” Confused by Larissa’s erratic train of thought, Tori furrowed her brow.

“The side that wants you to be happy,” she replied without hesitation. “And I’m afraid you’ve gotten really good at being content.” She uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “Content isn’t the same as happy.”

Tori didn’t want to think about how she’d structured her life. She shifted to the more immediate problem. “I hurt her,” she said with a heart full of regret. “How the hell do you fix something you broke trying to save yourself?”

Larissa stood and rounded the desk. She squeezed Tori’s shoulder. “Maybe start by being honest—with yourself and with her.”

“That’s terrible advice.” Tori managed a weak laugh.

“Yeah, well.” Larissa headed for the door. “Sometimes the terrible options are the only ones we’ve got.”

Alone, Tori picked up her phone. She wanted to call Mia. To find a way to make it right.

Fourteen

Floating down the grocery store aisle, Mia was more shadow than person. She’d never been so disconnected from her body. Never felt less sure about anything—and for a person whose life was in a tailspin of aimlessness, that was quite the achievement.

All day she’d been stuck in an endless replay of her conversation with Tori that morning. Well, conversation was generous. Tori had never been overly verbose, but it was like she’d forgotten how to speak while sitting in her kitchen.

Mia had wanted to tear all the secrets from her lips and lay them out on the counter. She’d been so close to revealing that Rita had told her about the crush. To ask if such a small thing could have really ended the closest relationship Mia ever had. How could they take any real steps forward without unpacking the past?

But she didn’t want to spark conflict between Tori and her mom. And she didn’t want to embarrass Tori with the revelation. So there she was, drifting down the aisles with a hole in her chest where her own inadvertent secret was burning through it.

She imagined looking at her life like she was assessing a scan. If only she could put her problems through a machine and hunt for the anomalies. All she wanted was a clear diagnosis. Something treatable.

Flipping through the annoyingly limited information she had, Mia reframed what Rita had said. She hadn’t made the crush sound like something serious. Rita said she’d always known that she and Tori would be friends again.

At that age, Mia had indulged in constant crushes. She’d even had the hots for her dentist. Teenagers were walking hormone monsters. Crushes came and went. They were, by definition, un-serious. Fleeting. Silly. It couldn’t have been such a big deal. Certainly not something that would keep them from being close now.

And even if Rita was right, what did the past matter now? They were different people, and that didn’t have to be a bad thing.

Mia caught sight of her reflection in a freezer door. In a T-shirt and leggings and a messy bun, her days of being anyone’s crush were long over. She tried to laugh about it. Tried to find amusement in being a divorcing disaster who’d achieved none of the things she set out to do in life. She ran her hand down her belly, pressing against her greatest disappointment before moving down the aisle.

Tori couldn’t be in a more different place in her life. She was so polished and focused. She probably dated successful, put-together women who had their shit figured out. Women who didn’t jump between the twin undesirables of lost or crying. Despite that, she was sure that Tori still wanted to be friends with her.

Friends.

The term settled in her chest like a spreading warmth. That’s what they were becoming again, wasn’t it? They’d found theirrhythm before the past’s complications arose. Falling back into sync like no time had passed at all.

Determination straightened her spine when she pushed her mostly empty cart around the corner. She wasn’t going to let Tori run away from her again. Not this time.

She fished her cell phone out of her bag, thumbs flying over the screen before she could stop herself.

Mia:Can we talk?

Sitting in the parking lot, trunk holding a sliver of the stuff on her list, Mia jumped when Tori’s response chimed in her hand. The small collection of words set off a string of fireworks in her belly.

Tori:Leaving the office in an hour. Drink? The Ordinary?

Throwing her car into reverse, Mia’s chest expanded with unfettered hope and optimism. They were going to get through this and she was going to have Tori back and everything was going to be fine. Better than fine.

After she rushed home and threw the groceries in the fridge, bags and all, Mia ran straight to the shower. A face mask, curling iron, and concealer doing the Lord’s work later, Mia bolted out of the house again.

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