Page 69 of Like First Love, Again

Then she kissed her. Moaned into her. And pushed Tori over the edge she’d been clinging to.

Thirty-Five

“Itold her not to make a fuss,” Tori said when they pulled up to her parents’ house on Sunday afternoon.

Cars lined every available inch of space on the residential street—and probably the connecting ones too. They had left a space open in the driveway, and Mia imagined Rita warning everyone not to park there. Her heart soared at the feeling of being welcomed home again.

“I like a fuss.” Mia leaned across Tori’s center console and kissed her on the cheek before jumping out of the passenger side.

Flowers in hand, Mia led the way around the house to the side gate. She was already dancing to the salsa music serenading the entire neighborhood when she pulled the tricky door open and let Tori inside first. For the sake of decency, she tried not to leer but Tori looked so good in her salmon shorts and thin white T-shirt.

Her mouth watered at the unmistakable aroma of a whole pig that had probably been roasting since dawn. The air was thick with the scent of the sour orange and garlic marinade Mia couldpractically taste. She hadn’t hadlechónlike that in so long, and she hoped it was nearly ready.

“They’re here!” someone called from under an even bigger tent than usual.

Cheers and clapping erupted, drowning out Marc Anthony’s crooning. And then Mia was swallowed by a wave of crushing hugs and warm kisses—the kind of reception that made her think maybe she should uproot her life more often.

A few hours later, Mia had already eaten, but couldn’t resist a bite of crunchy pork skin Tori’s dad had saved for her. Two sweating plastic cups of white sangria in hand, Mia found Tori sitting with her uncles.

One of them was telling some exaggerated story about having caught a marlin while fishing before his son corrected him that it was a barracuda and he’d screamed like a baby while getting the hook out of its mouth to throw it back in. Tori’s uncle retaliated by telling everyone how the kid had accidentally sexted his mother instead of his girlfriend.

Mia hadn’t laughed that hard in months. Maybe years. Maybe ever. Sitting on Tori’s lap, surrounded by so much love it was almost too much, Mia had never felt so deeply herself. And then Rita caught the corner of her eye.

As soon as Mia glanced in her direction, Tori’s mom gestured for her to come inside the house. Not many things had changed since Mia had last been in Tori’s childhood home, including being relegated to the backyard during big gatherings. The only time anyone went inside was to use the guest bathroom next to the sliding glass door.

But as she was summoned inside, it was clear Rita wasn’t worried about muddy shoes on her white tile floors—not like usual. Scanning her face from across the yard, Mia couldn’t read her expression. That alone was concerning because Rita wasalways so joyful. With a kiss to Tori’s temple, Mia told her she’d be right back and hoped it was true.

Mia slid the glass door shut behind her, and the party noise cut off so suddenly it was like leaving it all behind. Outside, it was all heat and laughter and clinking dominoes. Inside, the house was cold and quiet.

Rita called for her from the back of the house, and Mia made herself move toward her. Each step was heavier than the last. A thousand possibilities ran through Mia’s mind, and none of them were good.

Down a narrow hallway, toward Rita’s bedroom, Mia prepared to defend herself. Running through all the wrong words, she wanted to explain that she wasn’t some straight girl playing with Tori’s emotions. Explain that she’d never meant to hurt her when they were kids, that she would never have done it on purpose.

Sitting on the edge of an ornate bed dressed in a bright floral print, Rita was holding her hands in her lap. “Ven,mija. Sit down with me.”

Nothing about Rita’s demeanor put Mia at ease. She was sure the woman was going to tell her—with a heavy heart—to get lost. Fighting the desire to puke, Mia sat and prepared to be told what a self-centered asshole she’d been. Prepared not to argue with the facts.

“I’m sure this is the wrong time,” Rita started when Mia sat next to her. “I don’t mean to ruin your welcome home party,” she added, like she wasn’t the one who’d planned it.

The thought made Mia relax her shoulders. Why would Rita plan a whole thing for her, just to tell her she didn’t approve? She swallowed hard enough to return the moisture to her mouth, sweaty palms pressed against her jeans.

“Tori told me about your losses,” she breathed like she hated speaking the words, eyes already glistening when she met Mia’s.“I am so sorry.” She reached over and took one of Mia’s hands in both of hers.

A familiar bang of cold, gnawing emptiness seized Mia’s gut. She resisted the primal need to survive by pushing it away and remained in her body. Remained at Rita’s side when she recognized the pain in her eyes.

“Tori would have had an older sister if the universe had been kinder to us,” she said in a voice so thin it shattered before she finished her sentence. “I was just into my second trimester… And, well…the loss was…”

“Brutal,” Mia guessed, hot tears running down her face, but she didn’t dare let go of Rita’s hands to deal with them.

Rita nodded. “Grief is already such a complicated thing,” she said after a while, shaking her head as if musing to herself. “Loss is the only thing we know with certainty is going to happen to us, and we spend no time learning how to cope with it. It’s like if we pretend it’s not there, it won’t come.” She took a breath. “And grieving the loss of a life still growing inside of you… Well, there are no tools for that. No language for it. Better to hide it away. Never speak of it.” She said it like she was ashamed of herself. “But it is just as important to grieve that loss as any other.”

“I wasn’t so far along,” Mia said, voice cracking.

Rita squeezed her and held her in her gaze. “It might be hard for some to understand how much you can love someone so very small.” Her tears fell and her voice trembled but she didn’t look away. “How you can channel all the same unconditional love and hopes and dreams into them just like you would a baby you can hold.”

Mia blinked against the sting of tears that came too fast. A kind of comfort she couldn’t have expected settled into her chest even as her heart broke for herself. For Rita.

She let herself feel the full weight of what she’d lost. Not in pieces, not in private, not through clenched teeth—but all atonce, in front of someone who already understood. Her grip tightened around Rita. When she opened her mouth to speak, all she produced was a sob.

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