Page 94 of Ryder

He cups my face, kissing me chastely. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

I know he doesn’t mean that, but I can’t force it out of him. When he’s ready, he’ll talk about it if he wants to.

“Just know I’m here for you, no matter what.”

His smile reaches his eyes, basking me in that sunny look I can’t get enough of. “I know that, Sugar.” He kisses me, lingering for a moment. “The only people that matter in my life are my family and the club. I stopped givin’ my time to unworthy people a long time ago, blood related or not. You’re tryin’ to fix me?—”

“I’m not trying to fix you!”

“I’ve had a long time to deal with all this stuff, and it’s sad my mom suffered, but she’s the one who chose to cut me off. I even tried reachin’ out when Ade was born, remember? Not thatI wanted her anywhere near our son, but she deserved to know she had a grandson.”

“You have a good heart,” I say. “And I remember all of it. I have your back, I promise.” I need to know that he understands I don’t want to push him. If he feels nothing, then that’s okay. But I know Ryder. I know how much he feels things underneath. As much as his mom neglected him and played a huge part in his abuse, she’s still his mom. She also doesn’t deserve fuck all if you ask me, but I keep that to myself. This is about being here for Ryder, not for that child abuser.

He nips my chin playfully. “I know you have my back. Without you I’d blow this whole funeral thing off.”

“Not saying it’s going to be easy going back to Greenlark, but I’m proud of you,” I tell him. “If the roles were reversed, I can’t honestly say I’d have the chops to see it through.”

“You would. You’re just butterin’ me up because of what I did to you last night.”

My lips twitch. Oh, I can still feel all of him from last night. “What about what I did to you?”

He bends to my ear. “Remember when we first got together and you’d always wanna have sex in the car? What did you call them?”

“Sexy dares.” I chuckle softly. “It wasn’t that I wanted to do it in the car, it’s that I couldn’t wait until we got to your place. It isn’t my fault I’m with the hottest man in town, and I’m happy to see you’ve still got staying power.”

“Stayin’ power, huh? When it comes to you, I can’t stop gettin’ hard all night long.” He bumps me with his hips. “The hottest, though? Here I thought that award went to Nevada.”

I snort a laugh. Nevada is easy on the eyes, there’s no denying it, but he’s not Ryder. “Well, you thought wrong,husband.He has nothing on you.”

He rubs his nose with mine. “Brown nosin’ will get you everywhere.”

“I’m counting on it.” I give him one last peck and then turn to get his coffee organized.

Ade comes running back in. He’s the spitting image of his daddy, and the two of them together are the sweetest. Ryder has always been an excellent father; even when he’s busy at work, he always makes time for his son, reading to him at bedtime, or giving him a bath when I need a little time to myself. We’ve always prided ourselves on being the best parents we can be. To give Ade a sibling would be the icing on the cake, but I meant what I said last night. If things are meant to go that way, then they will. We’ve still got time. I’m only thirty.

Women are having babies well into their forties these days. And while we’ve had trouble, we’ve got options if we need them.

He smacks my ass cheek as I walk away and I smile to myself. He’s acting more loving and affectionate than he’s been in a long time, and it doesn’t escape me that a traumatic event has just taken place. If Ryder cracks over his mom’s passing, I will be here for him, just like I always am. No matter what he says, the passing of a parent is still baggage to deal with. Grief can hit you in so many ways when you least expect it.

In some ways, putting this part of his life to rest might just be what he needs. Even if his real father is still MIA, it isn’t like we’ve ever expected to see him again. Still, I’m sure some closure would be nice. When we’re in Greenlark, I might broach the subject again about resuming the search in San Diego. Ryder stopped the search as soon as it got too much for him to deal with, and I wonder if sometimes you really are better off not knowing what happened to a parent who abandoned you. Maybe it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. From all the past traumatic events that have happened to me and other people in the MC, no good comes from digging up the past. And once we’re back fromGreenlark, that part of Ryder’s life will be done. He can let go. I just hope Stu doesn’t interfere and make our lives hell. If he thinks he’s going to cause some kind of scene, or give Ryder shit about the inheritance, I will cut him. I’m not the same girl I was when I left Greenlark. I changed when Jimmy did what he did. Ryder may not need my help where all of that’s concerned — he’s a big boy and can take care of himself — but I won’t be pushed around. Or let him be pushed around.

If Stu stays in line, then all will be good. If not, then he better bring his umbrella, because it’s gonna rain a shitstorm in Hell if he tries anything.

This time, I won’t be holding back from anyone who tries to hurt my family.

20

RYDER

I stareup at the house I used to live in and several emotions hit me all at once: nostalgia, sadness, and just a little bit of anger. This place held nothing for me. No good memories. No joy. Never any happiness. Being here just feels like a complete waste of time.

I don’t want to set foot in this place. My mom lived the last few years here alone, but she has nothing of value I’d ever want to paw through. I’ve hired professional cleaners to come in and get rid of everything. Mom didn’t own the house, so it has to be vacant by the end of the month. They’ll do their thing, and I won’t have to look at the place she took her last breath.

Crystal’s hand moves in circles on my back. I feel nothing. I know she probably thinks I’m going to fall apart coming back here, but all I feel is numbness. There is nothing for me here, there never was.

“Ryd?” Crystal’s voice is soft. “Are you okay?”

I nod. “I’m fine. Need to get this show on the road.” And that means going down to the morgue and sorting out the paperwork at the funeral house. Then my mom’s body can be released and cremated as per her wishes.

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