Page 96 of Ryder

Growing up, I never felt as if I were enough. Inside, it always feels like I need to do more to keep the people I love in my life. And I know I put that on myself. Crystal isn’t to blame for any ofthat; she’s never insisted I do anything. She’s always encouraged me, supported me, and only wanted the best for me.

“I never want to lose what I’ve got.” The words sound so hollow, even to me.

Crystal grips my hand even harder, placing her other one over mine, too. “And you never will. I’m here through thick and thin. I remember the marriage vows we both made,” she says. “And I meant every word of them. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Things don’t just stop because we may have hit a rough patch. I’m still your wife, and you’re still my husband, and we can get through anything together. Even this.”

She’s my rock. She always has been.

I run a hand over my two-day scruff. “Maybe bein’ back here is sendin’ me loopy.”

“That could just be those old feelings rushing back. It’s been a while since you were in town; things are bound to feel strange.” Crystal brings our joined hands up to her mouth and kisses my knuckles one by one.

“It’s not like much has changed,” I agree. “It probably never will.”

I take a long breath, letting the silence settle between us.

“If you want me to go in, I can,” Crystal says after a few minutes. “None of this is gonna be easy.”

I can’t let her do that. As much as I want to run away and hide as well as blow this all under the rug, I know I can’t. This is my burden to deal with. My mom. Once it’s done, then it’ll be over for good. I never have to come back here.

“I’m fine. But I don’t want to keep her ashes. I think it would be nice to scatter them. Maybe at the beach. She used to love going there when I was little.”

My heart could break. Deep down, all I’ve truly ever wanted was my mom to care about me. She couldn’t even put her prejudices behind her when he became an adult. It wasn’t myfault she was a shit parent. It also wasn’t my fault she turned a blind eye to all the abuse going on with Wayne, and for that, I will never forgive her.

“I think scattering her ashes is a great idea. It might also give you a little peace. Big events happened here, and this could be a good way of letting them go,” Crystal says.

“I want that,” I say. “That’s exactly what I want, Crys. To let go once and for all.”

It’s my turn to kiss her knuckles now. My angel. That’s what she’s always been.

“Whatever you want, we can do,” she whispers.

I have to get this over with. “I’m ready.”

A few hours later, we’re told we can come by tomorrow and pick up my mom’s ashes. And then it’ll be done. We’ll drive out to the beach tomorrow and scatter them. My cousins and an aunt reached out, but to be honest, I don’t have the strength to deal with any of them. They weren’t close with my mom, and they’re probably thinking there’s a money grab in it somewhere. So I cancel any plans I once had for a small ceremony. If they want to do one so bad, they can, but I won’t be going.

I glance at my phone as it buzzes in my hand. Crystal and I decided to grab a late lunch, but all I do is push the food around on my plate, unable to stomach anything.

Stu

Can we catch up?

I read the text a few times before I glance up at Crystal. “Stu just texted me.”

She almost chokes on her burger. “Oh, my God, what did he say?”

I show her the text.

“What are you going to say back?”

“I guess it’s better to get it over with now I’ve canned any plans of a family reunion.”

“You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

I know Crystal isn’t Stu’s biggest fan — truthfully, he’s not mine either — but he was still around after I left for a few years. “Maybe it’s time.”

I glance down at my phone, then tap out a reply.

Me

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