Page 111 of To Hell With It

Better than expected.

That’s great. Have you managed any of my challenges?

Yes, I caught a bus and sat down instead of standing up.

That’s amazing, Pearl! How did you feel?

Weird.

Weird is OK.

I hope you’re proud of yourself?

I wouldn’t say proud.

You should be.

I thought we don’t use the word ‘should’?

Mairéad always said that using the wordshouldput pressure on people. She liked to replace it with the wordcouldinstead, because it gave the person space to decide.

Well in this instance, I think it’s probably OK. How are you feeling about everything else? Are you glad you stayed?

Yes, I think so. I met a man called Tim whose wife died. She made a bucket list of all her fears.

People do incredible things when they know they don’t have a lot of time left.

It made me think about my life.

What did it make you think?

It made me think about all the time I waste doing my OCDs, and that if I was dying, would I still do them? It made me feel like one of the butterflies had got out.

That’s great, Pearl.

Thanks… I have to go. I’m about to go into a cave.

But you hate small spaces?

I know.

I’m proud of you, Pearl.

Thanks, Mairéad.

Go and release another butterfly.

* * *

When we reached the cave entrance, the guide told us that we weren’t allowed to take photos or videos, so I took a quick selfie outside, for Niall, and then put my phone away.

I was supposed to wear waterproof trousers, but I didn’t own a pair so instead I had on my black leggings and salmon-pink jumper because it just felt like the right thing to wear. I think it was because salmon-pink made me feel safe. It made me think of home.

I hung back as everyone started to walk, one by one, into the cave entrance, until I was the only one left. My heart began to whack against my chest, getting faster and faster until it felt like I was going to regurgitate it out of my mouth and no amount of swallowing it back down seemed to work.

My head swirled as if I’d just come off a fairground ride and I leant back against a tree, gripping hold of it so hard my knuckles turned white. I felt my legs give way as I tried to hold myself up. I wanted to scream so loudly that my grandmother could hear me from heaven.

In the distance, I could hear a dog barking, but when I looked up there was nothing there and I wondered if I might have been imagining it. Above my head, the tree began to whisper against the breeze spilling secrets only it knew. And I swear I heard a woman’s voice singing.

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