Page 41 of To Hell With It

‘Don’t have a shower after this hug.’

ChapterTwenty-Four

It turned out that it wasn’t my one last challenge with Mairéad – who was I kidding? I’d booked in a session with her the next day – this day – so that we could go through all my coping techniquesand a couple of new onesfor emergencies,as Mairéad put it. I tried not to focus on the fact I might find myself in an emergency and more on the fact that I would still be able to call Mairéad if I needed her, and I definitely did need her.

I needed Mairéad with me in New Zealand and the only way she could be was if we kept my weekly sessions booked in as they were, just over a video call instead. There was the small hiccup of the time difference of course but Mairéad assured me we’d make it work and I loved her all the more for it. She also said that I could call her any time I needed her.

During our sessions, Mairéad always came to me; I never went to her house. That would just be weird and unprofessional. We always sat in my kitchen (apart from yesterday when I broke the news of my plans), opposite each other because Mairéad liked to keep eye contact, which, I won’t lie, I found intense at times, especially as she never seemed to blink.

‘Right, then,’ Mairéad said from across my kitchen table. ‘What are you most worried about going over there?’

‘We’d need a list.’ I sighed.

‘Let’s make a list then.’

‘If only it were that easy.’

‘It is.’

‘For you maybe –a normal personbut not for me.’

‘You are normal, Pearl, your brain is just wired a bit differently, that’s all.’

‘It doesn’t feel normal.’

‘What does itfeellike?’

Here we go, I thought. Thefeelstuff – the word that somehow had the capacity to both frustrate me and defuse me at the same time, because it forced me to let it all out when I didn’t naturally want to.

‘Like butterflies,’ I said.

‘Butterflies?’ Mairéad repeated.

‘In my head, it feels like a whole load of butterflies fluttering around my head. All the time.’

‘Butterflies are beautiful.’

‘To look at, maybe, but not when they are flying around your head all hectic and you can’t catch them to keep them still.’

‘Maybe they don’t need to be caught?’ Mairéad said. ‘Maybe they just need to be admired, watched from a safe place, appreciated?’

‘Are we talking about actual butterflies or my thoughts now?’

‘You just need to work with them differently.’

‘Have you ever tried to catch a butterfly, Mairéad?’ I asked. ‘It’s bloody impossible.’

‘That’s where I come in,’ Mairéad winked. ‘Let’s make that list.’

Obviously the list was much bigger than this but we shortened it to the essentials and called it the P&C’s (you know, likeT&C’sonly these were personalised to me).

People

Prayers

Penises (to include all intrusive thoughts)

Checks

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