Page 88 of To Hell With It

Kiss my pussy.

Then I looped the pearl necklace that wasn’t real around the stuffed cat’s neck, kissed it three times, propped the photo of Jack kissing me against it, and left it on his doorstep.

ChapterForty-Three

Itexted Una first to let her know what I’d done, and she replied with a row of ninja emoji’s followed by a GIF of a cat smoking a cigar.

I HOPE YOU’RE GOING TO STAY OUT THERE?

NO.

Then I took out the map that Emily had given me – even that was drawn to perfection – and was about to make my way to Papamoa Beach, when Bunty’s face popped into my mind. What was that place she told me about? The one she camped at for a month in a car park? Omao Beach? Oman Beach? Omanu! Yes that was it,Omanu Beach. I was sure she’d said it wasn’t far from Te Puke.

I grabbed my phone and typed it in. It was only twelve miles away, I could walk that, it would take a few hours, but I could do it, or – I glanced over at the bus stop a few feet in front of me – I could get the bus?

The bus. I could get the bus, like a normal person. I could get on the bus to Omanu Beach; I’d got a lift here after all. To Te Puke, to see a man that had no intention of ever seeing me again. A man who had a fiancée all along – was it obvious? Had I just been stupid? Could everyone else see it? Surely they’d have said if that was the case. Or maybe they just really wanted me to go – to get me out of Drangan – because I never would have left had it not been for Jack. I’d have stayed there in my little world, in my little life, like a little weirdo, forever.

If I went to Omanu Beach, at least it would be for me, not anyone else. I could see the car park where Bunty had lived, walk along the sand in my mustard dress and bare feet, maybe even see some dolphins.

I’d do anything to stop thinking of Jack, and if that meant getting on a bus then so be it. Because even though I knew the truth, a messed-up part of me still wanted him. Still wanted him to want me. Because feelings don’t just disappear, do they? Not straight away. They stay for a little while, sometimes even longer, like Una andShaun did everything. She didn’t really want him, not really, but she held onto the pain because I suppose letting go of it meant letting go of what she never had with him, all her plans for the future, all the things she thought she wanted with him but didn’t really want. Even she knew that. She’d told me herself shortly after they’d broken up that she couldn’t really see herself with him. It was more about how he’d made her feel. Humiliated, used, disregarded. And now I understood that more than anything else.

I wondered how long my pain would stay. Not long, surely? It was just a weekend and a picnic that never saw the light of day. How long does that take to get over?

A ding of my phone brought me out of my slump and an alert popped up on the screen.

SESSION WITH MARIÉAD!

Shit, our session. I’d forgotten all about it with everything that had gone on. Seconds later, Mairéad’s face was on my screen and the moment I saw her kind eyes, I started to cry.

‘Oh, Pearl, what’s wrong, what’s happened? Are you OK?’

‘Not really,’ I sniffed through my tears. ‘Jack doesn’t have a sister called Emily. He has a fiancée called Emily.’

‘Oh, Pearl,’ she said again. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Mairéad’s kind eyes penetrated through my phone. ‘That’s awful. How do you feel?’

It was a typical Mairéad question but I knew she was coming from a good place.

‘Like a twat.’

‘You’re not a twat, Pearl.’

‘Well, I am because I flew to the other side of the world to see one. And it takes one to know one, doesn’t it?’

‘No, you’re brave, inspiring and beautiful.’

‘Emily is beautiful.’

‘Emily is stuck with a man who cheats.’

‘Maybe not anymore.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I left a photo of Jack kissing me on their doorstep.’

Mairéad didn’t say anything for a moment. And there was a second where I thought she might slip out of professional mode to congratulate me. Then she said gently. ‘You know that won’t achieve anything really.’

‘It’ll achieve making me feel better.’

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