Page 48 of Hawk's Sapphire

He has no idea how badly I want to be able to give myself over, to not have to always make the decisions or have control.I’d happily submit myself to all the things he’s describing, if I thought he meant it and I wouldn’t just be another crazy night of sex.I watched those couples in the Mansion.The things they did weren’t just about getting off and fucking in different positions or in public.There was so much more to their dynamics.Sure, there were multiple orgasms and the push and pull of pain with pleasure, but it was the aftercare that I thought made it so much more.The idea of being cared for, genuinely praised and adored, opened my eyes to the fact I it’s something I need, crave, and will never have with Hawk.

He'll call me a good girl and kiss my forehead, but he doesn’t understand that’s not enough.The night we slept together was so intense, and my emotions were all over the place.I felt things I’ve never felt before.At one point I was floating, and then in the next I felt afraid, unsure.But he just laid his claim and that was the end of it for him.Where I was spinning out of control mentally and emotionally, he was firmly set that he had gotten his way.And maybe I would’ve adjusted and sorted through those emotions if he hadn’t swept the rug out from under me so soon after.

Hawk’s way of taking control is totake over.In the bedroom, I’m absolutely down with letting him take over.I trust him to take me to places I’ve never imagined sexually, but in the day-to-day stuff- my business, my friends, my choices- I want to be able to make my own decisions.I want a partner who will trust me to make smart decisions and not always assume I’m up to the worst or getting into trouble, that I can’t take care of myself.I want someone who will see me as a woman and not a spoiled child in need of constant correction.

And it hurts to know I won’t have that with him.

He didn’t even listen when I tried to explain about Thomas and Nate.He went straight to me being a traitor and not worthy enough to be his.

“Ugghhh!”I shout to the young woman staring back at me in the en suite mirror.I’ve just taken a shower and have put on the new outfit Matteo bought for me to wear to this gala thing he’s been invited to.I’ve been to parties with rich people before, but this is on a whole other level for me.I wish Avery was here.She would tell me what to do and how to act.She hated being dressed up and paraded around like a show pony to all her grandparents’ friends, but you would never have known it by looking at her.Me on the other hand, I have a fucking tickertape running across my damn forehead that lets everyone know exactly what I’m thinking without ever having said a word.

“Miss Sadie?”I’m startled out of my mental breakdown by Marta’s sweet voice on the other side of the door.I unlock it and find her standing with her hands crossed in front of her, greeting me with a soft smile.

“You look beautiful, my dear.I’ve come to help you with your hair.Mr.Parisi would like you to wear it half up and away from your face.May I come in?”

I move back and allow her space to come into the bathroom with me.She pulls a small bench seat over to the vanity and ushers me to sit.

“This dress is beautiful on you dear.The dark blue makes your eyes sparkle like sapphires.”I give a small smile at her compliment and silently will my heart to ignore the pain it causes.

“Oh, sweetheart.It was meant to be a compliment not to make you cry.”She hands me a tissue to wipe my face.I hate that I can’t stop this hurt I feel.

“I think I’m just a little homesick.”I say as way of explanation.“My best friend used to go to these kinds of parties, and I guess I just wish she was here to attend with me.You know how girls are.We feel stronger in numbers.”

Marta gives my cheek a light pat with her hand and smiles.“You’ll do fine.Mr.Parisi will guide you.These wealthy families can be difficult to be around sometimes, but Mr.Parisi is not like them.Just follow his lead.He’ll make sure you have a wonderful time.”

We spend the next thirty minutes in silence and Marta curls the ends of my hair, pulling the sides up in what she calls victory rolls.My hair looks like something out of a vintage magazine, but it doesn’t feel out of place.I feel…elegant.Not something someone like me usually gets to say.But I like it.

When I finally make my way to the front room where Matteo and Sergio are sitting having a drink, they both pause their conversation and immediately get to their feet.Matteo’s eyes sweep over me, and again it’s not in a sexual manner, but I still feel a strange flip in my stomach at his perusal.

“You look radiant, Dolcezza.”He says.Sergio smiles, nodding his agreement.

“Thank-you.”

Matteo places his drink on the table, coming to stand beside me he crooks his elbow for me to take hold of.“Shall we?”I nod and do as Marta said.I follow Matteo’s lead.

We arrive at the gala right on time.There are crowds of people and photographers outside the building waiting to see the guests as they arrive.I keep my head up and my eyes straight forward, smiling as Matteo pushes us past the crowd.He doesn’t seem to care about all the cameras and the fact he’s a made man about to be plastered all over the internet and tabloids tomorrow morning.I don’t mind much either except for the fact if Hawk sees it, he’ll know where to look for me.

Matteo leans in close, speaking where only I can hear.“Don’t worry about the people or the crowds.You’re here with me as my date, my woman.So, let’s give thema show, shall we?”His lips caress my temple and his hand on my waist tightens ever so slightly.“Smile, Dolcezza.We’re meant to be in love.”

I lean into him, placing my hand on his chest, allowing him to lead me through the room.I use this moment to silently assess my surrounding.

Sergio would be proud.

I chuckle to myself, earning a quizzical look from Matteo who smiles back.To anyone around us it would appear we’re having a jovial conversation, but truthfully, it’s just my nerves getting the better of me.

“Sorry.Sometimes I get the giggles when I’m nervous.”I whisper.Matteos’s smile widens, his eyes sparkling with a hint of mischief.

“You think you’re nervous?Most of these men have probably already pissed themselves the moment they saw the Underboss of the Parisi empire walking into their precious gala with an invitation that no one recalls sending.”

I pull back to look him in the eyes.He appears playful, but the information he’s just told me causes a giggle to bubble out of me.I quickly cover my mouth to hold it in.

“You mean to tell me youweren’tactuallyinvited?We just crashed a charity gala with a room full of rich snobs, for the fun of it?”I can’t help it.I lean inot his shoulder to hid emy face as I laugh.“How did you get an invitation then?I saw you hand it to the man at the door when we came inside.”

Matteo shrugs, looking almost sheepish.“You’re not the only one with skills, Dolcezza.I have my ways.Now, let’s get you noticed, and dance, shall we?”

The music playing is more of an upbeat waltz, which of course I don’t know how to dance to, but Matteo seems to have all the right moves, so I follow his lead.Soon enough, photographers are snapping our picture, other couples are standing on the side of the dancefloor watching, murmuring.A few couples make their way out to join us, but we pay them no mind.We’re enjoying the music and simple conversation, discussing mundane things like the color scheme and the ridiculous ice sculpture across the room.We talk as if we’re great friends, even making fun of other people and their hairstyles.It’s a pleasant change from what’s become our normal interactions.

We don’t talk about rules, or weapons, or strategies for survival.Tonight, we’re just two people having a good time at a party we were never meant to be at.

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