Page 45 of Rules

"Fucking ninjas suck."

The day's events played through my mind as I refilled my glass. Man, what a damn day it was. Pharmacy break-in. Law's news—I could have gone all damn day without hearing that bit of information. But as much as I hated hearing it, I needed to know. Oh, my deputies' faces when I told them. And then the Whitakers—poor Whitakers have been through enough. Cameron and Melanie are hiding; those poor kids can't even live in their home because of that Armani suit-wearing asshole.

"I swear if he hurts any of them, I'll shoot him myself. Hell, maybe I'll just shoot him anyway." I cheered the idea pouring and downing another, noticing the burn as it went down had faded.

I poured and swirled more whiskey in my tumbler. My mind went to the only thing I hadn't thought about: the council meeting.

"Bastards," I muttered to the empty house. Outside, rain had started to fall, a gentle patter against the windows that would normally be soothing. Tonight, it just felt like another layer of isolation. I thought about turning on the TV for background noise but couldn't summon the energy to search for the remote. Instead, I sipped the rest of my glass while the images of an angry Ruth filled my head. She went to bat for me. I filled my glass, raising it in the air.

"To Ruth and her little hairy kangaroo." I threw back the drink, then laughed at my comment as I replaced the drink. "Hairy kangaroo, that's funny."

I leaned back into my couch, catching the photo of Joan on the mantle. She looked vibrant, full of life, completely unaware her time with me would be cut brutally short.

"Oh, Joannie, it's a mess. Everything is such a damn mess," I told her. "If you were here, what would you tell me to do?"

I knew what she'd say. Joan had never been one to mince words. She'd tell me to eat. I was an idiot for not eating before drinking. She'd also tell me to call for backup sooner rather than later. She'd tell me to stop being so damn stubborn and call Ruth.

"But she's so much younger. What will the town think? What would you think?"

The image of the carousel emerged, the animals circling as the music played. Joan's hurt, angry face looking at me.

I sighed and drank my drink, then filled the glass.

"You're not even here and I let you down." The truth was, I'd failed everyone. Failed the town by not catching these criminals. Failed my team by working them to the bone with no results and now adding more danger. Failed the business owners who'd trusted me to keep them safe. Failed myself by letting Michael's operation thrive right under my nose for years. Most of all, I'd failed Joan by turning into this rigid, rule-bound shell of a man she begged me on her death bed never to become.

Holding my glass, I grabbed the bottle and took a long drag. What a fucking joke I made of that request.

For fifteen years, I'd convinced myself I was doing fine. The respected sheriff. The pillar of the community. The dependable father to Tim. I'd followed all the rules and maintained all the boundaries. When all she wanted was for me to ride the damn carousel. And now, Roo was mad at me too.

My phone was in my hand again before I realized what I was doing. Ruth's number appeared on the screen. My thumb hesitated over the call button. Slugging back the whiskey, I hit the button and put it on speaker phone.

It rang four times before she answered, her voice cautious. "Tobias? Is everything alright?"

"Ruth." Her name came out in a sigh. "Roooo."

"Are you okay?" Concern immediately colored her tone. "It's late."

"I'm fine." The lie slipped out easily. "Just...sitting here thinking of ninjas, carousels, and you."

A pause. "Ninjas? Tobias, have you been drinking?"

"Not drunk enough," I laughed, a hollow sound. "Why? Why did you do it? You looked so mad."

She yawned. "Sorry, it's late. Do what? I don't understand."

"I wanted to hear your voice." The whiskey had dissolved my usual walls. "I miss you."

Another pause, longer this time. "I miss you too," she finally said, her voice softer. "But this isn't like you."

"Maybe it should be." I took another swig from the bottle. "Maybe the real me isn't the man you think I am."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm a fraud, Roo-Roo." The words poured out like someone turned a garden hose on high. "Everyone looks at me like I'm some paragon of virtue and strength. The upstanding sheriff who always knows what to do. But I don't. I'm just making it up as I go, and I keep getting it wrong. So, wrong and now, now it's just a shit show with the main attraction on his way."

"Tobias, you're exhausted and you've been drinking—"

"What I am is a failure, fail-u-re." I interrupted. "I can't protect anyone. Can't stop the break-ins. Didn't even know, had no idea."

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