Page 92 of Rules

Dr. Salinger's expression remained neutral, but I sensed skepticism.

"May I suggest an alternative perspective?" she asked. When I didn't object, she continued, "In my experience, attempting to compartmentalize personal and professional concerns often leads to poor judgment in both areas. Integration, not separation, tends to yield better results."

"Can you say that again in English? I'm just a small town sheriff."

Chuckling, she started. "Meaning that denying personal feelings doesn't eliminate them. Instead it merely drives them underground where they exert influence without conscious oversight." She leaned forward slightly. "You mentioned Michael enjoys making people feel helpless. When in your life have you felt most helpless?"

The question hit like a sucker punch. "When Joan was dying," I answered before I could stop myself. "There was nothing I or anyone else could do."

Dr. Salinger nodded. "And since then?"

"I've made sure I'm never in that position again."

"By maintaining control?"

"By doing my job," I corrected.

"Which you see as control." That noncommittal sound again. "And what areas of your life do you feel are beyond your control currently?"

I started to say "none," but the words died on my lips. The truth was, almost nothing felt within my control lately. The break-ins continued despite our best efforts. Michael in my jurisdiction. Ruth. Well, her situation was a mess entirely of my own making.

"It's difficult, isn't it?" Dr. Salinger said gently. "Recognizing our limitations. Tobias, anyone with a heart can be helpless and not in control and there are different levels of helplessness."

"In my position, limitations cost lives."

"As do poor decisions based on gut emotional reactions." She set a pad of paper and pen on the small table between us. "I'd like you to do something for me. Write down three things you're afraid might happen if you relinquish control and allow yourself to have a personal life."

I stared at the paper. "A personal life? This seems—"

"Indulge me, Sheriff. Professional to professional."

Reluctantly, I picked up the pen. After a moment's hesitation, I wrote:

People will lose respect for me

I'll be judged

People won't think I can do my job

Dr. Salinger read the list upside down, nodding slightly. "Now, three things you hope might happen if you allow yourself to be vulnerable."

This was harder. I sat for nearly a minute before writing:

I might be happier

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