Page 43 of Heart Strain

17

Holden

Drix is awake. I can’t believe it. Every time I walk back into that room, I’m scared it was a dream and I’ll find my brother lying still in that bed. Even thinking about it makes me feel ill. I need him to be okay. He’s alive, and now he’s awake, and I’ve never been more grateful. I’d convinced myself that he wasn’t going to wake up. I’d been so scared, I’d made myself prepare for the worst while praying for the best. And I can’t believe I got it. I can’t believe he’s really okay, that he’s really here and talking and acting like himself.

I can’t believe I have my brother back. That I have a second chance with him.

I’m going to do everything I can to help him recover. I can see that he’s struggling with the fact that he’s stuck in the hospital bed right now, but it’s only temporary—hopefully. Moving around and walking is going to take some time, but I know he can do it. I know he’s worried, but I’m going to help him through it; I won’t abandon him.

As I walk through the hospital carrying bags of food and a tray of drinks, my mind trails to the other man in that room. Jameson. He’s been there every step of the way, and he hasn’t changed our routine, well, besides us eating dinner with Drix before we leave. But Jameson and I have still hung out after visiting the hospital, and he’s picked me up in the morning and gone through our normal routine.

But there are so many things left unsaid.

And I don’t want to be the one to say them.

Nope, I’m locking away the key on that vault and never, ever speaking of it out loud again.

What the hell was I thinking the other night? How could I do something so stupid? How could I sleep with my brother’s partner, with the first friend I’ve made in this horrible city? How could I mess everything up like that? What if we can’t get past it and he’s always awkward and weird around me? What if this strange tension between us never disappears?

When I walk back into Drix’s room, I can tell that Jameson’s been upset, and for a moment, I don’t know whether to ignore it or ask him if he’s okay. I glance at my brother and see he’s fallen back asleep and looks the same as earlier, so I figure he’s doing fine. So what has Jameson so upset? I go to open my mouth to ask, but I snap it closed. We’ve ignored the elephant in the room for two days now, so what’s one more thing to add on? So far ignoring it has worked, so maybe I should keep doing that.

“What did you end up grabbing for lunch?” Jameson’s voice comes out a little rough, and I know he’s been crying. I want to ask what’s wrong, but I can’t. I can’t because if he starts talking to me and confiding in me, I’m going to break my resolve to never speak of that night again and it’ll ruin everything. “Holden?”

He says my name and it snaps me out of it. Get it together, Holds. Jesus. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that he hasn’t called me Holds since… well, since. “Um… I went to that sub shop you like around the corner. I got you that cold cut you said was the best thing ever, and don’t worry, I had them add the extra spices and everything.” I walk over and set the bag down on the table we use for cards. “There’s a bunch of fries for everyone. I got Drix a sub, too, but I guess we’ll wait for him to wake up.” I pass Jameson his sub.

“Thank you.” He smiles at me and I see some of that sadness fade from his eyes. “This is my favorite.”

“I know.” I grin. “They have a good vegetarian sub, too, so I like that place. And the fries are really good.”

“They are, but they’re not as good as that place by my house. You know, the S one?”

I think about what the heck he’s talking about, then laugh. “You mean where the S in the sign is a snake?”

“Yes!”

“I forgot about that place. I can’t remember what it’s called.”

“Me either. I’m good with calling it Snake Subs.”

Chuckling, I grab a fry from the bag. “Perfect.”

He smiles at me, and I can’t look away. His green eyes capture me, and I’m caught as a myriad of emotions flicker through them. But then he licks his lips, and my gaze is drawn to his mouth. Those fucking lips. I thought they’d been torturing me before, but now I know what they taste like, what they feel like against my lips, against my skin, and I want them desperately—worse than before. I want to feel them and taste them and lick them and… fuck, his lips are going to freaking kill me.

“Did you bring me a sub, too?” Drix’s quiet voice breaks the Jameson-fog I’m in—thank fuck—and I turn my attention to him, only to find him staring at me like I have three heads.

“Yep, I brought your favorite; chicken cheesesteak,” I say, pulling out the sub and sliding the tray over to his bed. “Here ya go.”

“Thanks, little bro.” He smiles at me and my heart lurches. I didn’t think I’d ever see that smile again. “What?”

I shake my head. “Nothing. I’m just happy you’re awake.”

“Me too.”

“Me three,” Jameson says before he bites into his sub, and I purposefully don’t look at his goddamn lips again.

“You alright, Holds?” Drix asks.

Great, now my brother is noticing me acting ridiculous. “I’m not the one in the hospital bed.”

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