Page 33 of Digging Deeper

“No!” I scream as she raises her arm again. Then it all happens at the same time: the cackle of the asshole on the porch, the burst of two shots discharging, Jameson appearing on the other side of Holden and running for him at the same time I do—

What is that? I swat my hand out, attempting to dislodge the cold, rough pressure on my face. “What the hell?” I mumble, totally disorientated. Opening my eyes, I come face to face with one of Gavin’s dogs… Nana… that’s right, she came in and climbed in my bed after I—I’m not thinking about that. “Did you know I was having a nightmare, girl? Thank you for waking me up,” I coo to her as I sit up and circle her body with my arms, burying my hands in her fur. “You’re such a good girl. Thank you so much.”

It’s only after my heart stops hammering in my ribcage that I realize tears are trickling down my face, one after another. That was the worst of the dreams yet. My body shakes as the vision of my mother shooting my brother plays on repeat like a broken record, skipping back to my mom firing the gun. The sounds… “Thanks, girl,” I say again as I lay back, pulling her onto my chest. I stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night, scared to close my eyes and face that hellacious vision again.

* * *

“What’s wrong with you?”Gav asks as I grunt at his cheery good morning. How the fuck can anyone be so cheerful first thing?

“Nothing,” I bite out. I don’t mean to be rude to him, I really don’t, but between beating one out to thoughts of his ass, and then that nightmare… I can barely think straight this morning. I just need some time to myself.

“Ooookay. Well, your brother should be here any minute.” He sets a cup of coffee in front of me, and I can tell it’s exactly the way I like it.

“Why is he coming over?” I soften my tone, and even though I still can’t look him in the eye, I do appreciate the coffee. Plus, I don’t want him to think I don’t want him here.

“Well, that’s real nice. I rearrange my morning so I can pop in on my way to work and that’s all the gratitude I get,” my brother says as he materializes in the kitchen archway. I must be really out of it. I didn’t even hear him come in the front door.

As Gavin sing-songs, “Holds,” and they embrace like they didn’t just see each other last night, I hear the dogs barking away, too. Sigh. Maybe I should go spend some time alone in my room, obviously this isn’t going to be a good day for me.

“Look what I brought,” Holds says as he waves a bag in my face.

I lean forward and snatch it out of his hand, but before I can open it, Gavin says, “Why don’t you get comfortable in the living room? I’ll grab some plates and napkins and bring in your coffee, and you two can have a nice visit.” He winks at me while snickering. He knows damn well I’m not in the mood for anice visit. In the time he’s been my physical therapist, he’s begun to read my moods as good as Jameson, if not better.

Holds says, “That’s a great idea,” over his shoulder as he walks back out of the kitchen, leaving me no choice but to follow him unless I want to be a total dick. Which I don’t.

“Don’t growl at me,” Gavin says as he plucks my mug out of my hand so that I can roll myself into the living room. I park myself next to the couch, fully intending to stay in my chair for a fast getaway, but Gav flicks his wrist for me to move. Rolling my eyes at him, I can’t help the frustrated sigh that escapes my mouth as I maneuver onto the couch. Gavin sets my coffee on the end table next to me and immediately rolls my chair away.

“What’s with you this morning?” I ask him as he hands me a plate with a pastry on it.

“Nothing.” He bats his eyes innocently. “Nana, Brutus, let’s go for a walk.” The dogs run for him, so he hooks their leashes on their collars and heads for the door. “I’ll be back in a bit.” My eyes trail down his backside as he and the dogs go out the front door.Damn that ass.

The minute the door shuts behind them, I redirect my attention to Holds. His eyes are narrowed on me and he looks less than pleased. “What?” I ask.

“What was that?” he spits out.

“What?” What the hell’s wrong with him?

“I saw. I’ve been seeing. I thought, no, Drix would tell me. And then Jameson and even Aiden said, but… What was that?” he asks again, spluttering and throwing one arm out toward the door.

“Holds, you’re making no sense. What are you going on about?” But I know exactly what his problem is. He saw me checking out Gavin. Before he can answer, I say, “Honestly, I had shit sleep. I’m not in the mood for your dramatics this morning.”

Holden’s face hardens. “Of course you aren’t. No one in this house could ever deal with me as I am. Isn’t that right?”

“Holden,” I growl in warning.

“No, Drix. Let’s just have this out and be done with it. You know why I didn’t want to stay here? Because I hate this house. I don’t have any good memories from growing up here. Unlike you, I don’t get nostalgic sitting in the kitchen remembering dinner with the family. You know what I think about? Coming home from school and Mom berating me, calling meHolly. But that wasn’t your experience, was it? Mom loved you. The favored twin. The one who didn’t embarrass her.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Holds. You need to stop before you say something you’ll regret.”

He jumps up, putting me at a disadvantage since he’s towering over my position on the couch. Since Gavin moved my chair away, I can’t even try to escape. I can see the pain etched into Holden’s face, and I half panic. What do I say when he’s—“Hendrix this, Hendrix that. Don’t ruin things for Hendrix. That’s all I ever heard out of Mom’s mouth before she died. But you wouldn’t know that, would you? Not really. You know why? Because you left me home alone while you were out hanging with your friends. You didn’t care that you left me behind. You never once considered I was lonely. You were my best friend and you left me!” he yells, pacing the length of the living room in front of me. Before I can respond, his voice softens. “You let her punish me for being gay, but you...” Tears are beginning to stream down his face. “What was that?” he finishes on a whisper, gesturing toward the door Gavin just exited again.

“Holds, you don’t understand,” I say, choking on my words. My nightmare from last night is replaying in my mind. The vision of my mom pointing a gun at my brother. The bang of the gun discharging. Maybe that’s what it was about. It was easy to pretend our family wasn’t screwed up while he was gone. Even when I was still in the hospital, I deluded myself into thinking that him not being willing to stay here at my house, in our family home we grew up in, was nothing but him being used to living alone. But I always knew deep down that was a lie. He moved in with Jameson when he left here. It wasn’t about not wanting to live with me again. It was about escaping the memories.

“I don’t understand,” he says bitterly. He scrubs both hands down his face, wiping at the tears, but they keep coming steadily.

“You’ve always been the most important person in the world to me, Holds,” I say.

He snorts. Finally he drops back into the recliner across from me. “Sure, I have, Hendrix. Top of your list my whole life.” His words drip sarcasm, but his body language screams pain. His shoulders are hunched in as he curls down around his legs, holding his knees and rocking. The tears still leak down his face as his gaze shifts to floor and back up at me, never quite meeting mine.

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