Page 54 of Digging Deeper

He cups my chin and tilts my face up, then uses his thumb to brush away the wetness on both of my cheeks. I send him a shaky smile, then lean up to press a soft kiss to his lips. It’s quick, but it’s full of affection, and relief spreads over me as I finally feel something other than pain. His tenderness makes me feel cared for, and even though my pain is deep, even though my heart was shattered years ago, Drix’s warmth is seeping through the cracks. My heart is somehow broken and full at the same time, and I’m so thankful for Drix in this moment that I grip his shirt in my fists and close my eyes.

He rests his forehead on mine and whispers, “I am so fucking sorry, Gavin. I know there’s nothing I can say to make this any better, but god, I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain.”

“That was the perfect thing to say,” I whisper, then lean my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his waist. “Being here… that’s all I need.”

He kisses my forehead and tightens his arms around me before we fall silent for a while. I’m lost in memories of a blue-eyed boy with a sweet smile and his wonderful parents that showed me how to love; the most warmhearted family that was taken from this world far too soon.

“I used to… you don’t know how many times I’ve wished I was in the car with them that day,” I admit. I’ve never told anyone that before.

“Shh, Gavin, don’t say that. Please.” He tilts my face up again and rubs his thumb over my cheek, brushing away another stray tear I hadn’t even noticed. “If you would’ve been with them…” he trails off with a shake of his head. “I can’t imagine not having you in my life, Gav. I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t have you in it.”

That sweet statement makes my heart flutter in my chest and eases the pain there a little. I rest my head back on Drix’s shoulder, and he holds me, rubbing his hand up and down my arms, back, and hair. After several moments pass in silence, I whisper, “I’m glad I’m here, too.”

He kisses my forehead, and settles back against the headboard. “Me too, sweetheart, me too.”

My eyes drift closed, exhaustion from reliving the worst thing that’s ever happened to me settles over my entire body, and as I start to nod off, I whisper, “Stay?”

“Sure,” he replies, then scoots us down to lay on the pillows. He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “I’ll stay as long as you like.”

“Forever, then.”

“Forever.”

21

Hendrix

My arms tighten around him, spooning him as closely as our bodies will allow. Gavin had finally fallen back to sleep last night, most likely out of sheer exhaustion. As tired as I was, my own sleep had been restless as my brain rehashed, over and over, the story Gav shared with me. It’s hard not to squeeze him even tighter. His comment about sometimes wishing he hadn’t survived… I can’t even think about that.

Nuzzling into the side of his neck, I take a deep sniff, inhaling the Gavin’s own unique scent, strawberries and oranges. A smell that has come to represent home. This is the first time I’ve ever had such intense feelings about another person, and while I’m not sure how deep they run, I can’t imagine him being here today and gone tomorrow. We’ve only been trying thisdatingthing a short amount of time, but already his presence, his smell, represents so much. How many tears had this sweet man shed over losing the family who took him in? And his childhood best friend turned boyfriend? Taylor. I wonder what kind of man he was? For Gavin to have loved him, he must have been extraordinary. My eyes burn with suppressed tears at the realization that Taylor didn’t even get the chance to become a man.

My thoughts shift to Jameson. We’d been casual friends in high school, but our true bond didn’t happen until the academy. God knows we’d never been attracted to each other, and losing him would be… for the first time I realize how traumatic it must have been for Jameson to almost lose me when I was shot, especially with the relationship with his own family. With the emotions and thoughts Gav had over losing his people to a senseless accident that he wasn’t even there for, I don’t even want to fathom how hard Jameson would have taken it. The responsibility he was trying to carry—the burden of me waking and not being able to walk—was crushing him, but if I had died… I really have been okay with Jameson and Holds dating, but I have a new appreciation for them being together, propping each other up to get through the days of my coma.

“Are you okay?” Gav asks, his voice scratchy with sleep.

“I should be asking you that,” I say back.

“I was half-asleep still, and I felt you tense. Tell me what’s wrong.”

He tries to roll over in my arms, but I lock my arm tighter across him so he can’t move. After dropping a kiss on his shoulder, I set my chin on it, and say, “I was thinking about when I was in the hospital; how hard it must have been on Jameson and Holden.”

“It was,” he whispers back, relaxing further into me. “If Jameson hadn’t been here for Holds, I’m not… well, I probably would’ve taken a leave of absence or quit my job. No one should go through that alone.”

That brought me back to thoughts of Gavin’s story. His loss. “Who was there for you, sweetheart? Who held you up while you sat with Taylor?”

“No one,” he says softly. “They were my everything. I had no one to call. There were people who came, friends of the family, but I didn’t think I had anyone to call.”

“I’m so sorry.” My heart breaks for a nineteen-year-old Gavin. The thought of this gentle soul who’d had such a hard life, finally having a family, and then losing them. I choke back a sob. This is about him. Not me.

“It’s okay.” He huffs. “Maybe not okay, exactly. But people found out, and one day, before the funeral, Holds called me. I’m not even sure what made me answer the phone that day. I was just going through the motions.”

“He did? You were already friends?” I wracked my mind trying to remember if Holds had ever told me about a friend of his losing his boyfriend back then. I knew with certainty that he’d never told me about Gavin specifically going through all of this.

“We were. Actually, he was more Taylor’s friend than mine. I was still kind of shy about making friends. It hadn’t been that long since I’d been the school loser.” He sighs, a long, drawn out sound, but I remain silent, waiting. “The good thing was I didn’t have a horrible coming out or anything. Well, other than my own family.” Sadness drips from his tone. “Taylor’s parents knew and supported us, and he had so many friends. With his personality, it didn’t ruin his reputation or anything befriending me. People didn’t exactly rush to ask me to do things, but I wasn’t excluded when Taylor was invited, either.” I hear a smile in his voice when he says, “I think they knew he wouldn’t have come if he couldn’t bring me along. We were each other’s shadow.”

“So Holds and Taylor were friends?” I prompt when he grows silent.

“Huh. Yeah. They had their first class in college together. Holds told me later that Taylor walked up to him and said, ‘You look like you could use a friend.’ And that was that. Yeah. Holds said the same thing to me, you know? I think maybe that’s why I answered the phone. I knew you guys had only lost your parents a year before, and subconsciously, I thought he’d understand. The first thing he said was that he was here for me, he knew I could use a friend.”

---