Page 25 of Paladin's Hell

Chapter 9

Jayden

A couple of months ago it was suggested that Pal and I leave the compound, up roots and settle in Colorado. When I first heard, it should have been a dream come true. The resolution of what everyone had expected forever, a chance for Paladin and I to be together. But here, in Tucson, I’d been cocooned, safe in the knowledge that Paladin wasn’t allowed to cross the line. In Colorado, there would be no one to prevent him. When the implications of that had sunk in, I’d realised I was unsure whether that was still what I wanted.

I’d been forced to grow up early. Even at fourteen I knew the abuse I locked away in my head wasn’t right. After I’d had my innocence taken away, my first thought was to take back control. To be with someone I chose for myself. I’d latched on to the man who, in my eyes, had saved me, even after it was explained he’d only played a small part. I’d fixated on him, and was devastated when he’d explained that he couldn’t be with me in the way that I wanted, softening the blow by telling me he’d wait until it was time, for almost four years until I was of age.

At first, I believed him. Had to have something to put my faith in after the hell I’d been through. Therapy had helped me slowly come to terms with the fact that while I’d been naïve, I’d been groomed by experts. What had happened wasn’t down to me, but was all on them. I hadn’t asked for, or encouraged it.

Therapy also opened my eyes. Words Paladin had said were what I wanted, needed to hear, but perhaps he hadn’t meant them.

For the past two years, Paladin has been my friend. My anchor. Always there when I needed him, but never going further than he should. Even if he hadn’t been warned off by Drummer or Slick, I don’t think he’d have acted differently.

But men have needs, don’t they? Needs that drive them, sometimes so strongly, they take even when it’s not offered. While I’d never dream Paladin would force a woman to give against her will, I still wondered how he could wait for me. Perhaps he was being discreet. Maybe there was a woman in town I didn’t know about, someone who was giving him what I was told I was too young to offer.

I eye the hangarounds who come to club parties with jealousy. Oh, Slick and Ella usually spirit me away before my tender eyes can see too much, but I’ve seen them arriving, wearing skimpy clothes meant to attract. How could Paladin resist them? He’s not a boy. He’s a man. It’s hard to believe he’s been true to his promise to wait for me.

My therapy sessions haven’t ended, but have just moved away from the crime that had been committed and how I was dealing with it, to pushing me to consider what I want from life. Making me question whether I’m right to keep Paladin tied to me. Is it really him I want? Or am I hanging onto a dream I once used to keep my spirits up, to prevent me falling into despair? Knowing there was someone who knew what had happened, but who could put it aside, saying he didn’t care about my abuse. Am I just frightened another man might reject me because of my past? Whereas Pal knows it all, and says he can ignore it.

The assumption of everyone here is that Pal and I will end up together. I’ve been starting to question whether that supposition is right.

Two months ago, the possibility of the removal of my safety net in the form of Slick and Drummer, led me to do some soul searching. I’m already sixteen, seventeen is approaching fast. Physically I’m probably ready. My body is that of a young woman’s now, not a child. Some states, and, according to Sophie, Wraith’s English old lady, the whole of Great Britain have sixteen as the age of consent. It’s only because of the place that I live that I’m not legally allowed to have sex yet. The Arizona citizen law having been used by Slick and Drummer to set the arbitrary date when they’d untie the leash that held Paladin back.

If I truly felt something for him, surely I’d be jumping with joy at the thought that the time when we can truly be together, had a chance of being brought forward?

Those demons residing in my head though, I can’t stop hearing their voices. While another teenager might take small steps toward womanhood, experimenting along the way, I had the veil drawn from my eyes far too early. In my head, sex hurts, it’s dirty.

I read Ella’s books when she’s not around. Women should enjoy sex. There’s even numerous mentions of battery operated boyfriends, while I can’t even face touching myself. I’ve no idea what an orgasm is, I’ve had sex. Too much sex. Yet derived no pleasure at all. In my experience men don’t need a woman to be willing or an active partner to reach their own release. Despite the words I’ve absorbed with my eyes, I can’t imagine feeling the desire that the characters find in books.

Then, there’s another thought that worries me, that maybe I’m just not turned on by Pal. Over the years, have we become too familiar? Even if I wanted to, is it now possible we could progress to lovers from just being friends?

Pal had shown no inclination to repeat, what had turned out to be a disastrous dinner date, after that one attempt at the Wheel Inn. On one hand, I could understand it. Who would want to go through that fiasco again? It was worse than being supervised in the clubhouse, every word spoken overheard, every gesture in clear view to be analysed. Slick might have agreed to us dating, what he’d done, was ensure we understood, in actuality, that wasn’t going to happen. So when Pal didn’t ask me out again, deep down I understood why.

On the other hand, my traitorous mind makes me question, had he found me a disappointment? I’d dressed up, thought I looked good for him, but maybe I’d just shown I was too young. He’s nearly five years older than me. At fourteen, when Pal was still a teenager himself, that hadn’t seemed to make much of a difference, but now he’s twenty-one, and I’m still in my teens. Had the way I’d presented myself betrayed the gap was too much of a difference? The delight I’d shown when we’d first arrived, a demonstration of my lack of experience. If so, going to Colorado will be a matter of duty to him, proving his dedication to the club, rather than to me.

Fearing we could be growing apart, when Drew arrived on the compound I was pleased there was someone else my age. It seemed natural to take him under my wing. There’s only a year between us, because of the schooling I’ve lost, we’re in the same grade. While we might not attend the same school, our education is one area we have things in common. I’ve taught him to play pool—his ignorance a source of amusement for us both.

I’m not blind or stupid, I know Drew feels an attraction toward me. He’s good looking enough, his Hispanic looks and colouring, his dark eyes and his tall lithe body wraps his affable yet serious character up in an attractive package. What girl wouldn’t enjoy such attention?

But he doesn’t affect me either. When his eyes focus on me, it doesn’t make me tingle, doesn’t make parts of me come alive in the way people describe in fiction. Maybe that’s all it is. Stories to enjoy having no basis in reality. Maybe it’s not just me. Or am I suppressing my reactions because of fear?

When I was first rescued from those men, I wanted a loving touch to erase what they’d done to me. Now years have passed, my memories trigger fear. I’m not sure I want any man to put their hands on me at all. The thought of being with Paladin, or anyone, scares me.

After the initial suggestion of Colorado had been brought up, I wasn’t sure what to do when I realised the emotion I should have been feeling wasn’t there. That instead of being excited that Paladin and I would have more freedom, I was frightened of having to confess and admit I didn’t know my true feelings. I’d been pleased when the subject seemed to have been dropped. Now, two months later, it’s being raised again.

“Next week’s too soon.” My eyes flick wildly between Slick and Ella. “I’m not ready.”

My sister wipes tears from her eyes. “Me neither. Slick, there must be something else we can do.”

Slick’s a strong man, but faced with two crying women seems at a loss. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s the right time for us to move, Ella. The baby… Don’t want to risk anything now. But Jayden, you can’t stay here. You wouldn’t be able to go to school, to go off the compound at all. And in the end, the Herreras might bring the fight to us, just to get to you.” He turns to Ella. “We’ve discussed this, darlin’. Agreed it was the right thing.”

“There’s something she’s not telling us.” Ella astutely replies to Slick, but her eyes are on me. “What is it, Jayden?”

I can’t tell them I’m having doubts about Paladin. Or rather that I can’t understand what I feel for him, if anything. It might never have been more than a schoolgirl crush, which would mean for years I’ve been leading him on. It’s crazy. Since I was first brought to the compound, all I wanted was him, now he’s being handed to me, I don’t know what to do.

“Jayden,” Slick narrows his eyes shrewdly. “Paladin is going with you. Someone you know and can trust. I’ll be happier he’s there, I know he’d give his life to keep you safe. But I also know I can trust him to step away if a relationship with him is not what you want. No one’s going to be putting any pressure on you, or making you do anything you’re not ready for.”

“I should hope not,” Ella snaps. “Is that what you’re worried about, Jayden? That he’d, he’d…”

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