Page 41 of Paladin's Hell

I hadn’t been allowed to be independent back in Tucson. Too much of a risk to go anywhere alone. Getting behind the wheel of a car hadn’t seemed worth it. While I already feel homesick, I start realising there might be benefits to me being well out of the reach of the Herreras. Have a car and be able to do what I want? Have the freedom to just go to the shops? To go to school alone?

I give Demon my first genuine smile since I arrived. “I’ll have to get used to the idea of freedom, here. I couldn’t go anywhere alone back in Arizona.”

He’s leaning against my doorframe, his brow creased. “Fuck. Knew a bit of your story, but hadn’t realised the implications.”

I nod. “Not having someone trying to kidnap me is going to take some getting used to.”

He chuckles, and comes over, ruffling my hair. “You might not be from this chapter, but you’re a Satan’s Devils’ brat all the same. Got a whole club of brothers who’ll look out for you. We’ll keep you safe here.”

I’m curious. “Is it a big chapter?”

He’s happy to answer me. “Thirteen members, well, fourteen now Paladin’s joined. Three prospects.”

I frown, not sure I ought to ask, but I do anyway. “Is it, is it like the Tucson chapter?”

“In what way?”

I shrug. How can I ask if they’re into anything illegal? Tucson wasn’t, and I didn’t want Pal to be mixed up in anything which could get him arrested.

A quick grin comes to his face. “Satan’s Devils have the same rules and regs all over. Wouldn’t keep our charter if we didn’t abide by them. But there’ll probably be a different vibe here. Tucson is quite a family club, here, not so much. Of course, we’ve got different businesses as well. You can come to the clubhouse soon and see for yourself.”

I thank him, grateful the VP has taken time to speak to me. As he leaves me alone, I wonder about Paladin. How long it will take him to get here, what he’ll think of the new chapter he’s joined. Where he’ll work. What he’ll do now his responsibility for babysitting me has been removed. What I’ll do without him. I’ve been so used to him being my shadow, I miss him already. But, perhaps this is what I need. Some space. To get my feelings straight in my head.

I heft the heavy case onto the bed, open it, and start to unpack.

I’d been raped when I was a young teenager. Multiple times by multiple men. Made to believe I had to let them use my body, keeping my secret because of threats to my mom. They’d burn down her house with her in it. When Paladin, nah, I know better now. When the Devils had rescued me, I’d had a lot of experience of sex and men’s sexual desires. Therapy had helped me deal with it, and at first I’d thought Paladin would want payment for his friendship in the same way. Didn’t all men want that?

Then, after feeling rejected, I was pleased he’d be my friend without any expectations. I couldn’t say I went back to playing with dolls, but I did regain the teenager inside which had been taken away from me. Now I’m sixteen, I’ve started to think about men, boys, once again. Curious to know what being someone’s girlfriend would be like, but my imagination doesn’t take me very far. My therapist had explained, in time I’d start to feel desires natural to a young woman. So far, I haven’t. I’ve started to believe something is wrong with me. Something those men had taken, more than my innocence and youth. A chance to ever be normal.

Paladin, Slick, El, everyone. They all expect Pal and I to get together. That’s all I’ve longed for, always considering him mine. That’s why he came with me, the promise of a future. But would I ever be able to enter into a proper adult relationship? Were the dreams I once had just those of a child?

Closing one drawer, I open another.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, El. Just getting settled in.”

“Moira seems nice.” As my sister gives her seal of approval, she comes across and sits on the bed, watching me unpack.

“Uh huh.” I give a non-committal comment. I won’t pronounce judgement on Moira until I’ve lived here a few days. Weeks perhaps. How long does it take to really know someone?

“Demon had a word. Said I need a car.”

“He just said the same thing to Slick. How do you feel about that, Jayden?”

A genuine smile grows on my face. “I love the idea, El. Oh, I know it will take a while, but to be able to go where I want to, when I want? That sounds amazing.” I notice her face dropping. Shoving the last of my underwear into the spot I’d reserved for it, I go across to her. “What’s up, Ella?”

Her head shakes slowly. “We were doing our best for you. Keeping you safe and out of danger. I’d lost sight that we were smothering you too. Now you’ve got to learn independence without me being here to help.”

“You did what you had to,” I reply, firmly. “And there’s the phone, and FaceTime El. We’ll speak every day.”

She nods. “Just so you know, Slick’s going to give Demon the money for a car. He’ll sort it out for you. I’m sure Paladin will help you learn to drive.”

Slick’s been good to me. Treated me like a daughter in many ways. Never made me feel a burden. Part of me thinks though, with their baby on the way, he and my sister deserve to have some alone time, without worrying about me every minute. Even if I’ve got doubts, I’ve got to consider them. This is the best thing all around.

There’s an undercurrent at dinner. Slick and Ella don’t seem to pick up on it, but I do. There’s something not quite right between Hellfire and his wife, or their son. It’s not that anything’s said, the opposite in fact. It’s more what’s not said. Oh, they talk about the area, what the town’s like, about the school I’ll be enrolled in, but not until after the summer break as there’s no point just going for a couple of weeks now.

They’re polite to Slick and Ella, friendly to me. But to each other? I feel I’ve stepped into a soap opera steeped in family drama.

When my phone pings with a text from Paladin telling me he’s arrived safe, I smile to myself, determined to reply later. As I watch the show play out around me, I realise how much I miss him. When Slick and El leave in the morning, I’m going to be all alone.

Just before I go to sleep, I remember I haven’t replied to Paladin. I type a quick message to Paladin, hoping we’ll can have a conversation. But my phone stays quiet. My lifeline seems a million miles away.

There’s not been a day I haven’t been close to Paladin.

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