Page 84 of Devil's Due

“You don’t understand.” Her voice has grown louder. “It’s all I can do.Iwas the only one they left alive. Everyone else was killed because they’d seen their faces. I shouldn’t be here now. If it wasn’t for the fact I was blind, I’d already be dead. I have to do something. I have to. If that means taking a risk, trusting the people who should know best because we’ve both got the same end in mind—me turning up in court—then that’s what I’ll do.”

Suddenly words are circling around my head.Survivor’s guilt.“Oh, babe.” I can’t keep my hands off her. I pull her into me, holding her close as she begins to sob. I’ve spoken about it, know about it, damn, even diagnosed I suffer from it myself, but hadn’t deep down appreciated why she’d given up so much.She thinks she doesn’t deserve to be here.As her tears dampen my shirt, I try to think what I can say.

“Stevie, listen to me. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live. You know what happened to me? I was as close to death as anyone could be. Hell, all my brothers had said their final goodbyes. Fuck knows how or why, but I woke up. I’ve been given another chance. Three times they’ve tried to kill you, and three times they’ve failed. You stop and think for a moment. Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe you are meant to testify, but your life doesn’t end after that. You deserve to be happy.”

“I’m glad you didn’t die, Beef.”

“Me too, babe, me too. But it has made me think about things differently. Maybe at first I made a mistake, grabbing my chance of happiness because, hey, I’d had a reminder life can be short. That’s why I leapt for the first woman that crossed my path. Now I think maybe I was pushed your way, to help you and save you.”

“I don’t need saving…”

“Yes you do.” I hug her again. “From those thoughts in your head if not from anything else. It’s a fuck of a thing you’re dealing with. That those bastards left you alive as a joke, because they thought your lack of sight made you useless. To my mind, your blindness saved you, just like something saved me. Miracles, both of us.”

“Another thing in common but doesn’t mean we should be together.” She inhales deeply. “Am I not just another Sally? Someone you think you were saved to look after? I don’tneedyou, Beef.”

“I know you don’tneedme, and that’s why you’re nothing like Sally.” I let go of her, and put my head in my hands, wondering how I can explain it. “I can investigate Lennox, and if he comes up clean, let him take you somewhere no one can find you.” And threaten him with death if a hair of her head gets harmed. “That would be me doing my job and looking out for you. Max will soon be able to work again, I know you’ll find your way in a new town with him by your side. You don’tneedme. But Ineedyou.”

“Beef.” Her small arm hugs as much of me as she can.

“Listen. My sensible head tells me that’s what I should do, but inside I can’t let you go. How could I rest or settle, knowing you were out there, somewhere, and I could never see you? Never speak to you? Never watch you burn bacon…”

I duck her hand, then grab hold of it.

“I couldn’t Stevie. I can’t let you go. I didn’tneedSally. Didn’t need her to be in the room to be able to breathe.”

“That’s how you feel about me?” her voice sounds small.

“Yeah. Look. We can do this your way. You think the marshals are best placed to look after you. If that’s the case, I’ll come with you, Stevie. You’ll never be alone again. If you can put up with my ugly mug in your life, I’ll be by your side forever.”

She’s quiet. She looks stunned. “I don’t know what to say, Beef. I know how this works, you don’t. I’ll be given a new name, a new identity…”

“I’ll have one too.”

“You’d have to leave your club…”

“I’ll leave it.”

“No.” Pulling sharply away, she stands again. “I can’t ask you to do that. You have no idea how hard it is to leave behind everything you’ve ever known.”

“But I’ve got a fuckin’ good imagination, babe. Yeah, the hardest thing in the world. You did it because you wanted justice for those people you were with at the end of their lives. Don’t you think I’ve got just as strong a reason for changing my life too?”

“Why Beef? Why would you even consider doing something so drastic?”

I stand. My hands move to her biceps, and I grip, lightly. “Because I can’t stand to see you walk out of my life. Love my brothers, course I do. But I could also so easily love you, if you let me.”

“You don’t know me.”

“What don’t I know about you? I know you’re loyal. I know you’re brave. I know you love fiercely. I know the type of films you enjoy and those you don’t, I know which foods you prefer. I know you’re hardworking—”

“Beef,” she stops me. “I’m blind.”

“So what? If you need me to do something, I’ll do it. Whether you can see or not.”

I’ve stumped her. But I should have known she’s got more.

“I won’t have children.”

“Stevie…”

---