Page 108 of Devil's Dilemma

At last Demon closes the meeting. I immediately stand, taking my bike key out of my cut.

“You sticking around for a beer, Ro?”

“Nah, Sparky. I’ve got to get back to Mel.”

I waste no time making the short journey between the club and where she lives. I let myself into her house with the key she’d given to me, growing tense at the sound of weeping. I follow it into the living room. She’s sitting on the couch, an open book beside her. Hurrying across, I move the volume to one side, quickly glancing down to see what it is, and pull her into my arms.

It’s the fucking baby book Vi had given her.Why is she torturing herself?

I simply hold her until her tears begin to dry up. It’s only when she’s grown calmer that she tells me what in particular has got her so upset.

“I was reading about miscarriage, Ro. Trying to work out why it happened.”

“Oh darlin’.”

“I wouldn’t want it to happen again, so I was trying to see what caused it.”

“We know why,” I tell her, forcibly. “We know who’s fuckin’ fault it was. And if the doctors couldn’t give you answers, Mel, you’re not going to find one from reading a fuckin’ book.”

“I want to move.” Her sudden change of subject takes me a moment to catch up. “I’ve been looking at places…”

“I’m more than happy to look for a new place with you. It’s something we should be doing together.”

I hate the thought she’s thinking of herself and a lonely future. “I want you darlin’, that’s not changed. I know we haven’t discussed me claimin’ you further, but there’s nothing I want more.”

“I’m not ready for sex.”

“Not what I’m pushing for Mel. It will happen when it happens, you’ve got to get fit and clear your head. The right time will come along, no need to hurry it.”

She sits and turns so she’s facing me. Looks down at her hands, then up into my face. “I think I want children, Ro.”

That’s an easy statement to respond to. “So do I. Sweetheart, I didn’t give a damn who fathered that baby we lost. He was already mine. Can we replace him? Nah, never. He’ll always be a part of our lives even though he was never born. Can we have another little person? Yeah, we can.”

“What if I miscarry again?”

I take a breath, trying to choose my words carefully. I should have realised that was the root of her problem. On top of the grief of what’s she’s lost, she’s worried she’ll never carry a baby to term. “Unlikely. I’m convinced it was circumstances, and nothing wrong with you. But if you do, we’ll deal, okay? It’s up to you whether you want to take the risk again.”

“What if I don’t?” she asks, contradicting her earlier statement. “You’ve just said you want a family…”

“I want you, Mel. If you don’t want to put yourself through that again, then maybe we can adopt.”

She’s quiet, thoughtful. “I’d like to try to give you a child.”

“You will,” I say confidently.

“Soon?”

If you fall off a horse you’re supposed to get back on it again. Does the same apply to being pregnant? I run the idea through my head. The answer’s not hard to find, I’d spent the last few months preparing to be a dad. “When the doctor gives you the all clear and we finally go to bed, I won’t use condoms if that’s what you want.” And fuck, I’ll have to hope I’m not firing blanks. Always did everything I could to prevent getting a woman pregnant before, never thought until now that there’s a possibility I can’t.

“Oh, Pyro,” she sighs, and gives me a small smile. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a man like you. You’ve stuck by me, and it’s been nothing but hell, but you’ve been there, every step of the way.” I go to speak but she stops me, saying the words I haven’t heard since Skull raised his ugly head. “I love you, Pyro.”

“Darlin’,” I begin, then grin. “Can’t say what you did to deserve me, but it must have been fuckin’ bad. But nothing’s changed the way that I feel, I love you too.”

I’d love to show her how much, but for now, I’ll make do with just holding her instead.

That we’d reached the stage where grief has lessened to the point where we’re once again in a place to say and hear our mutual declarations of what we feel for each other, seemed to have been a turning point. Sure, she still has bouts of misery, times when the tears would begin to fall, but they become less often. She starts talking of a future again, rather than analysing the past.

The first weekend she ventures to the clubhouse, Mel breaks down when she sees Vi cuddling Theo and is consoled by the understanding of her friend. Within moments there’s a group hug going on when they’re joined by Jay and Steph. All four women weeping together, as sorrow is shared.

---