Page 55 of Devil's Dilemma

Then I come back to my senses and snarl, “Fuckin’ woman’s got to grieve the death of her man. She doesn’t just have to wait out his absence, he’s never coming back. Last thing she wants is another man pawing at her.” It hits me in a flash. I might not mind being a substitute for Skull when I’m taking her to the doctor, but I’ll be no man’s substitute in bed. When I finally lie with her, it will be because she wantsmeto be there. Not someone else instead.When?Christ. The question should be if, if it arises at all.What the fuck’s going on in my head?

“It was just a thought,” says an unrepentant Ink.

Prez unsuccessfully tries to hide his grin before stating, “Moving on to other business…”

Chapter Eighteen

Melissa

As much as I didn’t want to, I knew living in limbo wasn’t doing me, and by association, the baby, any good. I couldn’t just go on half-hoping half-worrying, I had to come down on one side of the fence.

If Skull had been alive and he was the man I thought he was, he’d have moved heaven and earth to come back to me. He hadn’t, so he has to be dead. I torture myself at the thought of him dying alone and hurting, and hope it was quick. Not knowing how the life of my man ended is difficult to accept, but I need to come to terms that he’s gone, and I’ll be heading on through life alone.

Though I’d told Pyro outside of the hospital that I knew he was dead, a small kernel of hope remained inside me, until later that same night when it was pronounced that lockdown was over.

There’s a general feeling of relief, a relaxation of tension, but to me it seemed like the last nail was being hammered into a coffin. The club had given up on him, and now I must too. I have to be realistic. Any last hopes I’ve been harbouring of having my man back at my side crumble into dust.

While her mother-in-law had been ecstatic, and has already left with Hellfire, Violet understands the decision has a different impact on me.

“You should stay here,” she encourages.

“I don’t know what I want to do, Vi. He’s gone, and somehow, I’ve got to accept it. I just don’t know how.” I’ve cried enough tears today, and I don’t want to shed more. All of my misery can’t be good for the baby. “If I stay here, I’m reminded of him every day. If I go home…” I’ll be reminded of him there. He was living with me. His clothes will still be hung in my wardrobe, his manly stuff in the bathroom.

“If I go, Pyro can have his room back.”

She dismisses that. “Pyro can move into Skull’s now, or you can if you prefer. There’s space for you, whichever way you look at it. These past weeks must have shown you how much you’re part of the club. We want you here, Mel.”

I came to the compound with a biker. What’s here for me now he’s gone? What does anywhere hold for me?

“I’ve got to find a way to move on, Vi. I’ll think it over tonight, but I believe going back to my own place will be the best thing for me to do.” Or maybe I’ll sell up and move somewhere new, somewhere that doesn’t hold memories. “I’ve got to make a life for me and the baby.”

“It’s our baby too,” she reminds me. “I don’t want to lose touch.”

“I’m not cutting the club off, Vi.” It would be stupid to do that. I’ve made so many friends here, and Pyro’s been such a great help. “If I stay, I’m not sure I’ll do more than just exist, if I force myself out of this bubble, then hopefully I can move on.”

“Don’t think we’re going to abandon you. I’ll come and drag your ass back if we don’t see you.”

“Vi, you’ve become such a good friend. I want to keep that friendship. I just think I need to find my own space. I’m…” I choke up, “I’m not an old lady, so here I don’t have a place. Oh, I know you’re going to contradict me, but we’ve got to face facts.”

“He may still come back.” Her voice is quiet, but firm and optimistic.

She’s probably one of the few holding out hope. Sure, there’s a part of me that still does, that can’t give up on the man who fathered my child. But unless he’s lying in hospital unconscious, he could have gotten a message to me somehow. If there is a valid reason, oh how happy I’d be. But if there’s not, I’ve got to face something that’s possibly even harder than concrete evidence, he’s dead. That the man I believed in, the man I gave my heart to, was never what I’d thought him to be. That Skull wouldn’t have walked away from me without a backward glance. If he came back now with no genuine excuse and wanted to pick up where we left off, I’d be extremely wary about it. It’s one thing for a woman to return to a man who’s abandoned her, very different if that woman has a child, even one not yet born. I wouldn’t subject a baby to a childhood where his or her father couldn’t be trusted not to walk out.

It’s easier to think of him as dead. Too many questions, and too many directed at myself and how I could have been fooled if he’s alive.

Violet’s waiting expectantly, so I let her in on my thoughts. “Much as I’m grieving for him, Vi, if he does return, I don’t think it’s possible to pick up where we left off.” I might still love a dead man, but a man who thinks he can take off leaving everyone behind him to worry? That’s not the man I knew.

“You’re going to decide to leave, aren’t you?” Her regret shows on her face.

I can’t lie to her. “I think I am.”

The next morning, Pyro doesn’t like it when I tell him I plan to go home.

“At least you’ll be able to sleep in your own bed.”

“I’ll sleep on your fuckin’ sofa,” he warns. “I don’t like the idea of you being alone.”

“Pyro, come, sit.” I invite him to park his ass beside me. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

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