Page 39 of Amy's Santa

“I would have said yes. I’m fine with returning to Phoenix, and that’s the answer I’d give anyone else. But to you, I’ll admit, the thought of going back scares me. What if Flint comes after me again? I keep seeing him, Drew, at the grocery store; I saw him one day hovering outside the hospital where I work. Sometimes I freak out and then find he’s not there at all, that it was my imagination summoning him up.” I’m not stupid, I know my dad has something planned, whether he’s shared that with Drew it’s not my place to ask. Family loyalty trumps friendship until I say an unqualified yes. “Even if he’s made to back off, I’ll still be nervous about going to my car, going to the store.” I bite my lip and admit, “I’ve never been a victim before, I didn’t realise how much it would affect me.”

“You don’t need to worry—”

“Easy to say, but I do.” He’s not the one who’s got a rapist stalking them.

“You don’t need to worry,” he repeats, “because I’m sending a prospect back with you.”

“You can’t do that.” I look at him wide-eyed.

He leans in and gives that boyish smirk once again. “I can, because I’m the prez.”

With that pronouncement which I can’t argue with, he takes my arm and leads me back to his motorcycle. On the drive back, I have conflicting thoughts going through my head. Elation at the future that’s just been offered to me, and sorrow at parting with the man who’s been my rock for the last three months.

I hate to let anyone down, and now I’m going to bring disappointment to the man who I respect, although, compared to the resurrection of my feelings for Drew, I know I don’t love, or maybe I do, but only superficially, as one would a dear friend.

“I’m coming with you,” Drew says, after he’s parked the bike and dismounted.

I don’t pretend not to understand. “No, Drew. I’ll speak to Xander.” Whether or not when the month’s out I’ll have a future with Drew, I know from this afternoon my feelings for Xander aren’t enough. If there’s one thing Drew’s shown me it’s I want a partner, someone who can take charge, but not take over. And that’s what Xander’s been doing, making choices for me.

Up to today, I was in the headspace where I needed that, but even after the short time with Drew, I can feel my confidence starting to come back. I was always looking for a play partner, not a full time Dom. Xander can’t turn off what he is, just as I have to accept I can’t be what he wants.

Drew’s hand curls around my neck. “Okay,” he says simply, and I’m grateful he doesn’t insist or try to take over. “But remember, Amy, I want you in my bed tonight. Don’t want you alone with another man, however much you trust him to keep his hands off.”

“What if I’m not ready?” It’s not just the upcoming confrontation with Xander that’s already eroding some of my briefly found self-assurance. It’s returning to the compound and all the thoughts and fears I initially brought here with me. I wish we could have stayed at the stables, it had been like being cocooned in our own little bubble of safety.

The memories of why Xander’s been close and protecting me slam hard into me. Flint stole my control, he was caught raping me. And worse, he’d abused me, in ways I’m too ashamed to voice.

I turn my watery eyes up to Drew. “What if I’m not ready?” I repeat, my voice sounding small.

“I don’t give a fuck, Amy. If you want to just cuddle, or not even touch me, then that’s what we’ll do. You’re in the driving seat for now. I’ve waited all these years, I can wait a bit longer. But never doubt your place is with me. You need support and protection? I’ll be the one giving it to you.” He leans forward and places a platonic kiss to my forehead. His eyes though, they flare with desire and promise, showing that mindful of people watching, he’s diplomatically keeping things casual. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

I give him a tremulous smile, then at his confidence-giving chin lift, walk slowly up to the suite we’ve been allocated, dragging my heels rather than rushing into this difficult conversation. I still haven’t found the right words to say as I open the door and step inside.

Xander puts down the book he’s been reading, his welcoming smile slowly slipping off his face. He’s on his feet in seconds, standing in front of me, his forefinger and thumb going under my chin and raising my head to face him.

“What’s happened?” he says urgently. “Did you have another episode?”

“No,” I shake my head adamantly. “Nothing like that, but we’ve got to talk, Xander.”

You don’t get to be a heart surgeon by being stupid. Xander lets out a heavy sigh, and states, “He cares for you.”

“I’ve only just found that out.” I don’t want him to think I’ve used him.

“And you care for him,” he continues.

My voice sounds weak, breathy. “I always have. But I put it to the back of my mind. I thought I lost my chance with him, a long time ago. I haven’t been lying to you, Xander. I thought I was a free woman.”

“But you’re not,” he replies in an unreadable tone. “At least not in here.” He places his hand lightly over my heart. “Do you love him, Amy?”

“Yes,” I admit.

“And he loves you back?” He carries on after I give a small nod. “What has he offered you?”

“Him. He’s offered me himself, completely. To be his old lady, his wife. To have his children.”

“I see.” I’m certain a fleeting flash of pain crosses his face, but he hides it fast. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” I say quietly, unable to say anything else.

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