Page 40 of Amy's Santa

Xander mumbles something which sounds suspiciously likefuck, though he’s a man who’s so in control of himself he rarely resorts to swearing.

He moves away and stands with his back to me, his head slightly bowed. Then he pulls back his shoulders and starts talking. “I offered to be your Dom, Amy, and you agreed to be my sub. We would have lived together, and I could see us making a go of it. There’s already affection between us that could have grown stronger. But I can’t promise you anything, I can’t promise you a future in case it all comes to nothing. Don’t get me wrong,” he swings around, “I’ll miss you, I’ve kind of gotten used to you being there, of holding you and easing your nightmares. I like someone depending on me, having someone to protect from the world. But maybe I’d have stifled you, and maybe my demands would have eventually proved too much.”

That he’s not fighting for me now, either shows he’s a good man or that he doesn’t have deep feelings for me. I hate making someone hurt, but the picture he’s painting isn’t anywhere near as attractive as what Drew had laid out.

“I’m sorry, Xander.”

He comes closer again. “I’m not, pet.” He sounds sincere, and one side of his mouth turns up. “If bringing you here has made you discover your destiny, then my job as your Dom is done. I could never take you away from a man who loves you, when all I can offer is a relationship that’s transactional.” He chuckles softly. “I knew you’d be a brat, knew you’d balk against my strict imposition of rules, but I was looking forward to punishing you. But if that’s not the relationship you truly want, then it’s best we find out before making a commitment.”

“I’ll miss you,” I spit out fast. It’s the truth, he’s been there for me through my darkest days.

“I’ll miss you too, pet. But don’t doubt I’m happy for you.” He starts opening drawers and taking out his neatly folded clothes, carefully placing them in the case he brought with him.

“What are you doing?”

“Going.”

“Now? But it’s Christmas, there’s a dinner—”

“And I’d be a third wheel.” He looks up and meets my eyes. “If you want me to stay, just one word will make me.”

But I can’t think of saying it. He knows. Within minutes, he’s packed. Like Drew had done earlier, but for entirely different reasons, he places a kiss to my forehead. “Say goodbye here, don’t walk down with me.”

I was going to at least walk him to his car, but I think he knows by the way my eyes glisten, I’ll be crying after he’s gone. He might not have turned out to be my one and only, but he’s been such a good friend it’s hard to see him walk away.

“Will I see you again?” I ask, as he opens the door.

He hesitates for just one moment. “If our paths cross, if you come back to the club, then yes. But I won’t seek you out, Amy. Not because I don’t want to see you, but a clean break is best. You’ve got a different path to tread now, and I wish you every happiness.”

When the door closes behind him, I fist my hands to prevent myself running after him and after a moment, throw myself on the bed, tears flowing freely, wracking sobs going through me, remembering him lying spooned behind me, comforting and supporting me through those dark long nights. I go over everything in my head that he’s said or done. Xander’s a good man, I probably didn’t deserve him.

But while I allow myself time to grieve, not for one moment do I think I’ve made a mistake. My future is with Drew now, just for this moment I’ll dwell on the past, then move forward and put it behind me.

Chapter Twelve

Amy

Aknock sounds on the door. Throwing myself off the bed, I rush to open it, thinking it might be Xander coming back to say we’ll always be friends. But it’s not him, it’s the man I want to see much more.

“I saw him leave, about half an hour ago. Gave you some time, but not giving you anymore. Any tears you cry, you cry them with me.” He uses his thumb to wipe one such tear from my eye.

“I think I hurt him,” I say, biting my lip. “He was so good, Drew. He didn’t blame me, he gave me his blessing and good wishes.”

Drew tilts his head slightly. “His job’s done now, Amy. It’s now mine to protect you and keep you safe.”

“He doesn’t even want to stay friends with me.”

Drew’s sigh sounds like it’s one of relief. But there’s also understanding in his eyes as he comes closer. “He was there for you in your worst time, saved you from the worst experience of your life. He saw you at your lowest point, and, of everyone, has direct knowledge of what Flint did, and the impact on someone like yourself. Of course you’re going to miss him. But he was right to make a clean break.” He pauses and rubs the side of his nose. “His being with you served as a reminder. Perhaps, now he’s gone, you can move on.”

I look down at my hands, wondering whether he’s right. I could never forget that night with Xander there to remind me. It’s true, sometimes I look at him and remember the fury in his eyes when he’d seen how Flint had taken advantage of me.

“Babe, it’s time we made an appearance at the clubhouse.”

I glance up fast, it’s the first time he’s called me something other than Amy or sweetheart which he’d used when we were younger. Now he’s holding out his hand.

“Uh uh.” I shake my head. “You go down first, and I’ll follow in a few minutes.”

His brow creases, and his hand goes to his temple. “What’s up Amy? Why do you need more time to yourself? I think you need your family around you.”

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