Page 45 of Amy's Santa

Just you and me.Damn him to hell. Flint had said something similar that night when he suggested a private room. As Drew’s words filter through my brain, a flashback slams into me and his expectations of the night ahead suddenly don’t seem as enticing as they had previously.Alone with another man. This time there won’t be a dungeon monitor watching.

My steps falter, I can’t breathe.

Drew stops, his stare homing in on my face which I feel has been bleached of all colour.

“I, I… I d-d-d-on’t think I c-c-can do this, Drew.” I’m trembling so much, I’m sure he can feel my body shaking as I gaze off to the side.

He turns me back so I have to look at him, his eyes now softened. His hand brushes my hair back from my face, such a gentle touch it starts to calm me. “Heart didn’t give me any details, left me to fill in the gaps. All I know is that you suffered abuse in that BDSM club you went to.” He pauses, then gives it to me straight. “I’m going to guess you were raped in a place you should have been safe.”

I can’t look at him, instead, once again, I turn away, finding the darkness more interesting.

Pulling my head against his chest, he murmurs softly, “Will you tell me what happened? I want to help you.”

I hesitate. An owl hoots in the distance, a common sound here, but not one I hear in the middle of Phoenix, usually it’s sirens instead. It reminds me where I am. As I breathe in the scent of Drew’s leather cut, I realise he deserves to know how damaged I am and what he’s proposing to take on.

“I trusted him, Drew. He was a new Dom to me, but not to the club, though he hadn’t been there for some time. To be allowed to play, he’d have to have completed their training programme. Other Doms had greeted him like an old friend. There was nothing to make me suspicious.” I pause and sob. I’ve tried, God, I’ve tried to work out if there’d been some sign that I’d missed, some inkling I should have had that Flint wanted more than I’d been prepared to give. “I trusted him because he was a Dom, and Doms look after their subs. I knew it could only be a light play session, anything else was on my hard limits list. Penetration was banned in the Feathers club, other than hands and mouths. Part of the reason I went there.” Again I break off, wondering whether my words are too much for him to hear, but his hand is rhythmically stroking my head, and the movement doesn’t falter. My hands clasp the edges of his cut as though it’s an anchor. “We negotiated a scene, the type I like. I’d be tied up and blindfolded, and then there’d be sensual play.”

“You like that?” There’s no censure in his question.

“I did.” I take a shuddering breath and spit the worst out quickly, “I was restrained, blindfolded. I was expecting to feel a gentle touch, was waiting with anticipation. I couldn’t see… I couldn’t see what he’d taken out of his bag. It was a gag.” I huff mournfully. “I even opened my mouth when he told me too. It was to fucking gag me.” A moment of anger, swiftly chased away by the guilt at how easy I’d made it for him. Drew’s arm tightens around me, and under my cheek, I feel his heart race.

“Go on,” he says, gruffly. “No secrets between us, Amy. I don’t want to not know and something I do trigger a reaction.”

“You still want me?” My voice trembles.

“Fuck yes. Nothing, nothing you can say will change how I feel about you.”

The owl hoots again, ensuring I stay in the present, even though the vision in my head is of the past.

I swallow and summon up the strength to resume. “He gagged me. I’d told him I didn’t like pain, but it didn’t stop him using a crop on me. It stung, he hit my breasts… He was strong, stronger than me. He untied my legs, turned me over and secured me again, even though I tried to fight him. He flogged my buttocks, then…” Drew’s hand keeps moving, never stopping. “He used a butt plug, forced it into me. All the time I was trying to make sounds, using the hand signals to tell him to stop. Then, he, he...”

“Shush, shush.”

I’m sobbing, I hadn’t realised. But I want to get this all out. “He was raping me when Xander pulled him off.”

“Why did no one fuckin’ stop him before it went that far?”

“Xander was a dungeon monitor that night. He’d been checking on Flint and me, but he was called away when someone else got hurt. He felt so bad, Drew. He took me home and then stayed. I think at first it was out of guilt, a Dom’s disappointment a sub got hurt on his watch. I get nightmares, Drew, so he slept with me to comfort me, but that’s all he did in my bed.”

Behind us the door to the clubhouse opens and someone steps out, laughing in the way people do when they’ve had enough drink to get merry, but aren’t drunk. I recognise the ‘goodnight’ called out as coming from Joker.

“’Night,” Drew replies, and waits until the trio of Joker, his man and their daughter, walk past.

“You’ve got a lot of fuckin’ baggage in your head, babe.” Drew’s body has gone tense.Is he angry? Upset? Disappointed?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have laid that on you.” I was wrong to tell him. What man wants to hear the details of how their woman had been abused?

He takes a shuddering breath as though to bring himself back under control. When he speaks, his voice is even and calm. “Amy, babe.” He lifts his hand away from my hair and uses it to raise my face to his. “We’re going to be lovers, but more than that, friends and partners. Any burden you carry is mine to share. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me.”

“I’m not brave.”

His head shakes. “Oh, you fuckin’ are, Amy. You’ve survived, and you’ll get better every day. I’m here, and I’m here to stay. Nothing you can do, nothing you can say, will push me away. I’m not going to be pressuring you. One day you’ll be my woman in every sense of the word, but when will be driven entirely by you. For now, I’m happy you’ll be in my bed, and I get to lie beside you. I promise on my fuckin’ life you can trust me.”

Drew’s never given me a moment to think I should have any concerns about that. “I do trust you.”

When I shiver again, it’s not from fear, but the chill of the night air.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.” Keeping his arm around me, he leads me the final few steps to his suite.

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