Page 57 of Amy's Santa

Amy

There was never really any doubt what my decision would be after the month Drew had given me had run out. Somehow, my subconscious had known what I’d do, as the very first day I went back to work after Christmas, I’d handed in my resignation.

But I did use the time to do some serious thinking. One side of my brain was telling me, rushing headlong into a relationship with Drew was a mistake. On the other hand, it wasn’t as if we’d only just met and I didn’t know everything about him that’s important—his loyalty, the depth of his commitment once he makes one, his truthfulness and reliability. That in conversation he gives weight and consideration to anything I say, something that goes back to when I was a child, and he’d taken notice of my opinion, even if it was an uninformed thought from a young mind.

If I listed everything I wanted in a life partner, Drew would tick every box, all but one. I worry if I’ll be settling for something less than I want if I commit to him.

My perfect man would be dominant—not in day-to-day living, but definitely in bed. I can’t deny vanilla sex is amazing with Drew, but at the back of my mind worry I may become bored if it descends into a routine. I don’t need to be tied up or blindfolded every time we make love, but occasionally I like to feel I can totally relax, and feel myself drift away into subspace, where I lose myself completely in the moment.

Can I live without that? It’s the question I ponder when I see Drew at least once every week. He’s fitted in with my shifts, often making the journey up to Phoenix and staying over for the night. On one occasion I’d driven down to Tucson, and it had felt so natural being back on the compound.

We’ve made love, but Drew’s always been so careful, mindful of what happened with Flint and trying to do nothing that would bring back bad memories. On my part, while I trust him completely, my brain screams at the thought of experiencing the things I previously enjoyed. But one day, I hope to get to a better place where I’ll want him to restrain me, where I’ll want him to be inventive, but if he were to make such a suggestion now, you wouldn’t see me for dust. But in time, I know, I’ll want him to dominate me. Will he be able to be the man I want?

Vanilla sex with Drew? Or kink with someone like Xander?

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no comparison. Maybe a month ago I’d say something different, but I love everything about Drew, and should he turn out not to be the most exciting lover, then what he can give me in everything else will more than compensate. He’s a complete package, not just what he can offer in bed.

As well as deep thoughts about our relationship, I find myself damning Flint every day for how he’s ruined my life. I hope one day his will be in tatters too.

I was shocked when Xander called me, not having expected to hear from him again, even though I yearned to call and apologise, and see how he’s doing. The reason for him making contact was that the police had been making enquiries at the BDSM club. Apparently, Flint’s wife had reported him missing a few days after Christmas, but they can’t find out where he’s gone. Most think he might have left her for a girlfriend, apparently his wife saw nothing suspicious, just that one minute he was there and the next he left. I wonder whether she’s glad to be shot of him, and whether she’d ever had a taste of what he’d done to me. It wouldn’t surprise me. Even if she hadn’t, she might not know it, but she’s better off without him in her life.

That he’s missing doesn’t make me feel easier. It would be better if someone was keeping tabs on his every move. I constantly worry I’ll see him when I come out of the hospital, or that he’ll be waiting for me back at the apartment, or even one of the stores I visit.

At least I’m never alone, Nathan’s been my shadow, always there when I leave work, and accompanying me back home. I’m sure it must be the most boring job in the world being my babysitter, but he assures me he’ll obey his prez’s instructions to the letter. It’s a sign of how much he wants his patch. Nevertheless, his being here has allowed me to have some semblance of peace of mind. He’s also good company. As I’ve come to know him better, we’ve shared a few laughs.

Nathan told me he’d served in the army, and anyone can see he’s tough and trained. If Flint did turn up, he wouldn’t have a chance up against the taller more muscular prospect. His presence is what enables me to sleep at night—until I wake up screaming. Even there, Nathan’s been a great help, waking me gently and making me a cup of hot chocolate. All part of his job, he tells me, when I apologise for disturbing his rest.

I’m hoping when I leave Phoenix and I no longer have to keep an eye out for Flint, maybe the memories will be easier to bear and the nightmares will ease up.

Drew tried to tell me I don’t need to be concerned about the man who ruined my life, but he wouldn’t explain how he could tell me that with such sincerity. It’s probably just that he’d disappeared—maybe he got wind that the Devils were after him? He’s out there somewhere, so my worries are only eased slightly.I wish he were dead, then I wouldn’t have to worry.But I keep that to myself, remembering that while he’s my Drew, the club named him Wizard because he can find out information that even eludes Mouse. If he knew what I wanted, he’d probably discover his whereabouts and kill him, and I don’t want blood on the hands of the club. Heaven forbid Drew be arrested for murder. No, I shudder. Drew can’t be responsible for taking Flint’s life, so I’m not going to tell him I’d prefer the ultimate solution.

Once again, I think back to Xander’s call. After he’d told me about Flint, I asked him a question.

“Are you doing alright, Xander?” Hearing his voice makes me feel guilty. “I owe you so much, yet I left you after I promised I’d be with you.”

There’s a sigh. “Let’s get this straight, Amy. You weren’t the love of my life, but I could see us together because we fit, and I have a lot of affection for you. I’m the type of Dom you want, and you’re my ideal submissive. Of course, not how you are now, but before… when I saw you playing in the club. As a dungeon monitor I watched your scenes, seeing the reactions I like. Yes, I think we would have made a go of it, but love?”

He goes quiet for a moment, as if he’s gathering his thoughts, then he continues, “I was born dominant, learned to have tight control over myself. I don’t allow myself to feel emotions, I’d never strike out in anger, and everything I do I give consideration to first, assessing the pros and cons, the best way to go about it, and what could go right, or wrong. I don’t think I’m capable of feeling the unconditional love I know Drew has for you. That’s why I left and didn’t fight for you. I’d have been kind, respectful, given you everything you wanted, but I couldn’t have given you the depth of emotion Drew clearly has to offer. If you want more than a Dom in your life, for you, he’s the right choice.”

“Will you find someone else?”

There’s a pause. “Amy, you know how tightly I’m tied to the club. Yes, I’ll play with the submissives, and maybe eventually find one I want in my life.”

“I hope you do, Xander.”

His voice deepens, becomes the tone used by Doms when they instruct. “Delete my number, Amy.”

“You don’t want to hear from me again?” He’d been my friend. Or perhaps, that concept is equally as alien to him as love.

“You’ve got Drew, Amy. Wipe the slate clean and explore what you have with him. Don’t give him a moment of doubt.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way, that Drew might be jealous if I kept Xander’s number on my phone.

“Thank you,” I say, quickly to get it in before he ends the call. “I couldn’t have gotten through those months without you by my side.” He did so much for me, giving up a lot of his life. Giving up his precious club because going there would test me. Holding me at night but never pushing me to give something I wasn’t ready to bestow.

“You were a sub in need, Amy. As a Dom, I needed to provide comfort and support. If I hear any more about Flint, I will let you know.”

“What do you think happened to him?”

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