Page 1 of Hawk's Cry

Chapter One

Eli…

“I wondered where the fuck you were hiding. Took me ages to find you. What the hell are you doing up here all alone?”

I glare at Throttle, enforcer for the mother chapter of the Satan’s Devils MC, as he comes closer. When my narrowed eyes and my teeth all but bared don’t send him the message, I resort to words. “And that I was here alone didn’t give you a fuckin’ clue that I might want some solitude?” Here is in the forest up above our Tucson compound. I’m sitting on the trunk of a fallen tree contemplating my life, trying to get things straight in my head. Or that’s what I was doing until I was so rudely interrupted.

Throttle doesn’t take the hint. Instead of disappearing like most decent people would, he comes closer and sits his ass down alongside me. Stripping off a piece of bark and, giving his hands something to do, he starts to shred it.

“What the fuck is up with you, Hawk? You’ve been off lately.” He taps his head as if to show me what he means.

Throttle, the son of the ex-sergeant-at-arms, Peg, who stepped down from his role a few months back, is only a couple of years younger than me. As club kids, we’d grown up together here on the compound. All our lives we’ve been as close as brothers, in and out of each other’s houses all the time. I’m not surprised I haven’t been able to hide my state of mind from him.

“I just…” I start, then stop. How can I explain? Why, when outwardly I have everything, do I feel so wrong? Why is it that some days, I find it hard to breathe, as though there’s a heavy weight on my chest? Why am I not happy and content, but rather full of unease?

Throttle throws away the remains of the now destroyed bark and looks sideways at me. “Spit it out, Brother.”

How can I put the impossible into words? I open my mouth, close it, then opening it again, finally spit out, “I’m not sure I’m where I should be.” It’s the best, only, explanation I can come up with. It sounds weak, even to me.

The enforcer turns his head to look at me. “What the fuck do you mean?” He barks a short laugh. “Here, in the forest? If you’re lost, I know the way back.” He winks. It’s a joke. We spent our childhood playing amongst these trees.

I shake my head, take another deep breath, and admit, “In the club.”

If anyone’s eyes could open wider, I’ve never seen it. “You can’t be fuckin’ serious?” He stares at me again, trying to analyse the expression on my face. “You are serious?”

I nod. “Deadly.”

Throttle stands, rakes his hands through his hair, and then tugs at the beard that’s thick just like his father’s. His voice is just as deep and controlled when he states, “You’re the VP of the Satan’s Devils, Hawk. You’re the son of the ex-prez. You’ve just gotten married to the daughter of the previous VP and you’re expecting your first kid. Now you’re questioning being in the fuckin’ club?” He shakes his head. “You were fuckin’ born to this.”

My hands clench into fists. “And that’s just the fuckin’ problem. Can’t you understand?” Rage that he doesn’t immediately see things the same way as I do floods through me. Standing, I get up in his face. “Drummer’s my dad. Drummer, the ex-prez. I was fuckin’ groomed to be an officer in this club from the day he and Mom gave me life. It was expected that I’d follow in his footsteps. I never had a fuckin’ choice, Noah.” Unconsciously, I realise I’ve reverted to using his legal name, the name I’d called him before he’d patched in. Appealing to him as my friend, not the club’s enforcer, I say, “Zane was never under the same pressure—”

“Your brother, Zane, took after your mom. He was different from you since the day he was born. He followed the rules blindly while you always questioned and challenged them. Just like a man ready to lead this club should.”

It’s true. I’ve always been the serious one while Zane’s got a much lighter outlook on life. I know it amused everyone how much I resembled my father, in looks and in the way I got things done. But I question how much that was his influence. Oh, he loves Zane, don’t get me wrong. But I was the son he’d never expected, but once arrived, he’d found he’d always wanted. The one who’d carry his legacy on.

I envy Zane, my younger brother. He’s not part of the club, never having expressed any desire to become a member. He still lives here on the compound but isn’t involved in all the shit that goes on.

I hadn’t meant to share my thoughts with anyone, not today. While they weren’t things I’d be able to keep to myself for much longer, I didn’t think I was ready to share them. If Throttle hadn’t come to find me, I’d never have opened up. But he’s caught me at a weak moment, perhaps it’s serendipity that he has.

So I look him directly in the eyes, take a deep fortifying breath, and give it to him straight. “I’m going to leave the club. I’m going to become a civilian.”

I’d been wrong. It is possible for his eyes to widen further. “What the fuck did you just say?” He growls and cups his ear as if he hadn’t heard me right. He shakes his head like a dog shaking rain off its back. “Must be fucking hearing things. Thought I heard you say you wanted to walk away from this life.”

I put it more definitively, “You’d heard right. I want to go. Get a proper job, move off compound.”

His body is vibrating with anger as he rounds on me. “This life isn’t something you walk away from, Hawk.”

I shrug. I’m aware of that and the consequences of my decision. But something’s wrong, and I can’t see any other way to fix it. “I just can’t do this anymore.”

“You can’t fuckin’ do this anymore?” he roars. His head moves to one side, then the other, then back. I see his muscles tick in his jaw. “You’re the fuckin’ VP, the vice president, Hawk. You and Wizard lead us. You, of all people, can’t just turn your back on the club.”

“That’s the fuckin’ problem!” I scream at him, losing any control that I had. “I wasn’t asked if this is what I wanted. I had no choice.”

“Choice?” He looks astonished. “What the fuck are you talking about? You could have said no if you didn’t want to prospect when the chance came up. You could have said no before you took the patch. You weren’t let off lightly because of who you are. Both you and I went through a harder time as prospects, because of who our fathers were. You had to be pretty fuckin’ sure that’s what you wanted, else you’d have walked then.”

He’s right. No one had taken it easy on us. We should have been shoo-ins, already trusted, having known no life other than the club. But we’d been tested to the ultimate to make sure we weren’t hanging onto the coattails of our dads. So the members could see our loyalty was real, not assumed, and that we expected no special treatment from the club. That we’d risen through the ranks so fast had been part of the dedication and commitment we’d proven to have.

“I’m too young to do this. I shouldn’t have made VP.”

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