Page 15 of Hawk's Cry

It hits me what a useless piece of shit I am.

In my desperation to get out, to do the thing I had to do, I hadn’t considered her. I just dragged her along with me.

Chapter Six

Olivia…

I cry until there are no tears left.

I threw in my lot with Eli before I said my first word. It had always been him and me against the world. Other people call me Olivia or Ollie, to him I’ve always been Liv, his girl. Mom and Sam had suggested I stay on the compound, leaving Eli to reap what he’d sown alone, but I couldn’t consider that for a moment.

My husband rides, rode, with a one-percenter motorcycle club. I always knew I could be a widow one day if he’d had a bad accident on his bike, or if he’d gone up against the wrong enemy. This way of life is not without risk, and it was always a possibility that I would have to live without him. Or 'that way of life', I should now say. It’s not mine anymore.

I couldn’t have stayed at the club and watched him walk away into the sunset. My place is here, beside him. I’ll survive outside the club, I’m just not sure I’ll thrive, or whether he will. Right now, I’m not certain he realises exactly how much or what he’s given up, or whether there’ll ever be any kind of substitute for what he, and I, have turned our backs on.

No, there was never any question about choosing between the club or my husband. But hell, it’s hard. I’ve no mom or family living close by me. I’m on my own with only an injured man for company. A man who’s not in danger of dying on me. A man who brought his hurt on himself. Heaven forgive me, but I can’t feel much sympathy.

The baby kicks at my stomach reminding me some things are not going to change. In three months I’ll be a mother, and it’s up to me to do my best to give this child a happy home. Sometimes I wonder whether Eli even wants a baby. Oh, he says the right words, but I can’t be sure.

It’s been a whirlwind twenty-four hours. I knew before he spoke to me that something was wrong. Perhaps it’s my fault I hadn’t spoken to him before, forced him to open up to me. But what woman wants to hear they’re not enough for their man anymore? It’s because that was what I feared he would say to me that I hadn't pressed him. I never dreamed he was troubled by anything else. Why, oh why, hadn’t I questioned him before? Could I have talked him out of the answers he had come to on his own?

If I’d been braver, could I have stopped it?

Why am I wasting my time thinking about it, or apportioning blame? It’s happened. Eli’s left the club and has taken his punishment. There’s no way back, no point in dwelling on it. Forward is the direction I should be looking. However much I want to turn back the clock, I can’t. I have to move on.

And moving on isn’t going to happen while I’m lying on this bed feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, baby. I smile as I feel another movement inside me. We’ll make this work. We have to.

Blotting the last of my tears, I sit up, then stand, then open one of the boxes the prospects brought in. I place clothes in the closet and in the drawers, then put fresh linens on the bed. My stomach growls, reminding me life goes on and I’ve got to eat. No more going down to the clubhouse and seeing what’s cooking. Nope. That’s going to be all down to me as well.

As I pass by the couch, I see Eli so still, I’m sure he must be sleeping. I continue into the kitchen and look at what food the prospects unpacked. I give a wan smile, seeing my mom’s hands in some of my favourite cereal and cookies. The cupboards and fridge seem to be well stocked, but damn, I don’t feel like cooking anything. There is one benefit to being in the city, it will be far easier to order food to be delivered here. I settle on ordering in pizza. To hell with what Eli wants.

A phone rings, the unique tone telling me it’s mine. First, though, I have to find it. I spy my purse on the worktop and manage to extract it and answer before it rings off.

“Olivia, it’s Mom.”

I roll my eyes. Kind of guessed that when her name appeared on the screen. “Hi, Mom,” I reply, both welcoming her voice and wishing she hadn’t called. She reminds me of home, and everything I’ve lost.

“Just want to call and remind you I’m still here. We’re all still here for you, Olivia. You need to come home, then that’s what you do.”

“I am home,” I remind her as well as myself. My home is wherever my husband is.

“Yes, well.” I can hear disapproval in her tone. Then with forced brightness she asks, “Are you settled in?”

“The prospects did a good job.” I don’t add I’ve spent the time since they’ve left wallowing in self-pity.

“Yeah, well. If you need anything else done—”

“Mom,” I stop her, reminding her of the fact, “we’re not club now. We’ll have to do everything ourselves.”

“Tell her I’m more than capable of doing anything my wife needs.” My eyes snap up at Eli’s voice. It’s hard to tell as his face is so swollen, but it looks like he’s glaring.

“Look Mom, I gotta go. Eli’s just woken up, he’s been resting. I’m going to sort out some dinner for us. I’ll come and see you soon, okay?”

I hear her sigh, and there’s a pause before she tells me, “Love you, Olivia.”

“Love you too, Mom.” But our automatic goodbyes were stilted, as if our relationship has shifted as well, as though it’s not just physical distance between us. A reminder that my mom’s still an old lady and I’m not.

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