Page 24 of Hawk's Cry

I manage to get into the car and away from the house before the tears start to roll down my cheeks. I’m not even sure if they come from anger or hurt.

I’d thought we were living the fairy tale, ours the love of the century. Both of us virgins when we came together. Sure, we’d fumbled at the start as we tried to figure out what to do— of course we knew the basics—you don’t grow up in a sexual environment as we had without learning the mechanics. When we’d tried to put it into practice ourselves, we’d shared a lot of laughs. The first time we’d come together, it was more like fooling around which went a step too far.

Eli had been terrified that Wraith would somehow be able to see I wasn’t his innocent daughter anymore, as if it would be written on my forehead, but luckily, Dad had had no idea I’d lost my virginity at the age of eighteen.

Eli had hoped to get lucky for a while. Unbeknownst to me, he’d started to carry condoms around. He’d been prepared and optimistic for months, but he’d waited for me. I knew I was his first as he was mine. It had been obvious we were equally untutored when we got together at last.

I sometimes think Dad had chosen to remain in ignorance. Looking back, I don’t see how he couldn’t tell things had changed between us. It had been hard to hide my adult love for Eli, so different from that of a child. I think now, he probably knew, but didn’t want to confront it.

Neither of us had ever expressed a desire for other partners until today. I’d always loved the thought that I was his one and only and would be for the rest of my life. I honestly don’t see how our sex life could be any better, and personally, I wouldn’t want the variety or to go with someone else.

I hate him for even thinking it.

I drive, aimlessly, finding I’m heading up toward the famous ‘A’ that towers over Tucson. Parking my car, I get out and walk, then sit, staring at, but not appreciating the glorious views over the city. It’s a clear day, the sun shines down fiercely. I won’t be able to stand it for long. But consciousness of my physical discomfort evades me, overpowered by the pain in my mind.

Who is this stranger I’m living with?

The Eli I know and love would never hurt me, even with words. Yet he must have known suggesting I wasn’t enough for him sexually would cut me deep down to the bone.

Was he serious?

Could it have been he was just sharing his thoughts with me? Letting me into his state of mind, the ideas that were making him uneasy. Or, is he going to act on it? Is he going to leave me and find another woman instead? Heaven knows he hasn’t wanted me lately. Is it because he wants someone else? Has he already found another woman? No, I don’t think he has. He hasn’t been furtive and secretive as though trying to hide an affair from me.

I’m six and a half months pregnant. Surely, he wouldn’t leave me? But he’s living in a fantasy world if he thinks I would give him some freedom, turn a blind eye while he put his cock in new pussy, just to find out whether he liked it better.

He’s not thinking he could come home with fresh ideas, is he? Well, he’ll have to think again if that’s what’s on his mind. If he stepped out on me, I wouldn’t be able to have him back. No number of showers would cleanse him enough for me to ever trust him again.

It would be the end of our marriage.

When did he start changing?

I think back to our wedding. He seemed fine then, if a bit distant, perhaps, the day before. Although us old ladies were kept out of club business, it had been impossible not to pick up things had been touch-and-go. There hadn’t been trouble in the club for years, and I remember thinking why did it have to come for us now? In the hours leading up to the ceremony there was even talk of cancelling it.

Then, like the sun reappearing from behind the clouds, smiles had appeared on everyone’s faces again.

Lady had married us, having recently been ordained as a Satanist of all things. It had made perfect sense, seeing as we were all Satan’s Devils.

That day had been everything I’d dreamed of. I married the man I’d loved all my life surrounded by family, both blood and friends.

I’d been just three months pregnant then, barely showing. But, as my baby bump grew, Eli started pulling away. Imperceptibly at first, then even I had to accept something was wrong.

It’s not just that he wants to experience variety, I realise. It’s that he doesn’t get the hots for me anymore. Have I become too familiar? Have we just burned out? Or is it that I’m pregnant?

“Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to sit out in this heat in your, um, condition.”

I look up sharply, not having heard anyone approach. In front of me stands a man with brilliant blue eyes and pale, almost white blond hair. He’s tall, over six feet in my estimation, muscled, and tattooed. If he was wearing jeans and leather instead of his shorts and t-shirt, he could pass for a biker.

Is this the kind of man I could go for? It sounds odd, but I’ve never looked at anyone other than Eli in that way for all my life. I try it out now, staring at him for a moment. He’s rugged, but handsome enough, and a muscular build not too dissimilar to Eli. What would I feel like if this man put his hands on me? What if his lips touched mine? Would his cock swell, and would I like knowing I could affect him?

“Hey, you okay?” His head tilts and his brow furrows.

I feel my cheeks burn and hope he thinks it’s the sun that’s caused the reddening of my skin. What the hell am I doing? Eyeing up a stranger like a piece of meat. I start to stand, realising I’ve absolutely no interest in him and was just using him to test whether it’s possible to feel horny for a man who wasn’t my husband.

Preparing myself for when Eli leaves me.

I shouldn’t think like that. I should fight for my man.

“Here, take my hand,” he offers when he sees me struggling. “Dust storm is coming over. Best get back to town while you can.”

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