Page 40 of Hawk's Cry

Ignoring his presence, I slide out of bed naked as the day I was born. Grabbing a pair of boxers, I step into them as I go out into the hallway, and make my way to the family bathroom a few strides away.

I sigh with relief as my discomfort is eased. While I’m emptying my bladder, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognise myself nowadays, even my eyes look dead.

I look away, then frown. I’ve been brought up to keep my eyes open, to notice little discrepancies which might make the difference between life and death. Something out of place might mean a stranger’s been where they shouldn’t have, so I immediately see something’s missing.

We normally use the en-suite adjacent to the master bedroom, but that’s just got a shower. In here is a bath which Liv likes to take advantage of, so she duplicates some of her stuff, including the razor she uses to keep her legs smooth. It’s not in its normal place.

Slipping my cock back into my boxers, I flush, wash my hands, then open the medicine cabinet. Her spare razor blades are also missing.

Frowning, an explanation comes to me. I begin to suspect, were I to go looking, my knife and gun would also not be where I normally keep them.

Do they think I might harm myself?

Wasn’t that exactly what I’d been thinking earlier? That this life has become too hard. That this pain, these feelings of inadequacy might lead me in that direction. Is there really any other way out? If I can’t live with myself is it right to ask Liv to do so? If I was out of the way, she could move on and be happy. She deserves so much more. She doesn’t deserve me. Not when all I do is hurt her. And if I succeeded in pushing her away, there’d be nothing left for me. Another woman could never take her place.

“You alright in there, boy?”

Christ. Those words, that tone, shoot me right back to when life was easier, to when I was just a kid. When carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders was something not yet familiar. For a moment I wish I could return to that time and do things differently to change the direction my life had taken.

For an answer, I open the door and glare.

The pain, the despair and fear in my father’s usually stern eyes has me reconsidering my anger, and replacing it with sorrow instead. He’s just one more person I’ve let down and made hurt.

“You want to eat?”

I shake my head. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Nah,” he contradicts. “You’re going to get dressed, eat, then we’ve got to get to the hospital. You’ve got an appointment with the doctor today.”

“I’m not seeing a shrink,” I tell him. “Talking doesn’t help.” I couldn’t find the words to speak to anyone.

Dad takes a deep breath and lets it out through his nose. “We need to do something, Eli. You can’t go on like this.”

That’s for certain. I stay silent, not answering, not really knowing what to say. I’ve gone so deep, I can’t see how I can dig myself out. Perhaps a permanent escape is the only way.

“Please, Eli. Go get dressed.”

I push past him, go back to the spare room I’m using, and slide onto the bed and bury myself under the covers. I hear some rustling, but turn on my side, ignoring him. Something drops onto the bed.

“Get fuckin’ dressed.”

Again, I don’t respond.

“Drummer,” another voice comes, patient, not angry. “He should take one of these.”

I feel the bed dip as someone sits on it. The familiar feminine scent which reaches me tells me exactly who it is.

“Eli, babe. You need to take this tablet,” Liv says patiently.

Take a tablet. Okay. If it shuts them up and makes them go away, I don’t give a fuck what’s in it. Cyanide, I hope. I half sit, pick up the glass of water from the bedside table, and take the capsule she’s holding out, placing it in my mouth and swallowing it. I then lie back down.

“Babe. You’ve got to go see the doctor.” When I remain silent, she tries again. “Please, Eli? For me? Just try?”

“Not going anywhere,” I mumble.

“Drummer?” she asks softly.

“Eli,” Dad snaps. “Get some clothes on, or I’ll drag you out of here undressed. I don’t give a damn as long as we get you to that doctor.”

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