Page 41 of Hawk's Cry

I’d like to see him try. Perhaps when I was a kid he could manage it. Not now, I’m as tall as he is and younger. Maybe he should attempt it? I could lash out, hit him, hit something.

“You can’t enjoy feeling like this,” Liv says imploringly. “Please Eli. The doctor will be able to help.”

But as I can’t see how anyone could, I continue to ignore them.

After a while, I hear footsteps, then a murmuring of voices, but more distant, and I can’t work out what they’re saying.

I close my eyes and try to think of nothing at all.

I must drift back off to sleep. Sometime later, I hear people talking.

Fuck. Has Drummer summoned reinforcements? For a moment I worry about being dragged out and driven to the hospital wearing nothing more than boxers. I realise I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be going to the psych ward after all, maybe it would be fitting.

“Well fuck,” a deep voice sounds. “Thought next time I saw you I’d beat the life out of you, but you’re in such a sorry state I reckon you’re doing it to yourself.”

“Go ahead, Joker. I don’t give a fuck.”

Why’s on earth is he here? I wouldn’t have expected him to be Drummer’s first choice to help drag me out of bed, but then again, maybe he was the only man available.

“Always expected it was something more when you walked out.” I hear a chair creak as Joker lowers his bones into it. “Should have fuckin’ guessed it was something like this.”

If he’s here to drag me out of bed, why doesn’t he just get on with it. “What do you want?”

Opening just one eye, I notice Joker’s settled himself in. I turn over and show him my back, but it doesn’t put him off as he begins, “See, you won’t remember this. You grew up seeing me and Lady together. Like everyone, you didn’t give a shit and accepted our relationship. But it wasn’t always like that.” He pauses, as though pulling his words together. “I had bible-strict parents, Eli. To say they didn’t accept I was gay by nature and not by choice is an understatement. Made me believe I was wrong…”

Wait a moment. I don’t fuck Liv because I can’t get it up. I haven’t magically changed into wanting men. Is that what they think is wrong with me? Quickly I think back, knowing there’s been no time I could have indicated that. Not that there’s anything wrong in any one being with whoever they want, but I prefer women.

I’ve got to correct his misassumption. I roll over and face him. “I’m not gay, so you’re barking up the wrong alley there.”

Joker chuckles. I notice he’s made himself comfortable. He’s leaning back with his hands linked behind his head, and his legs are outstretched and crossed at the ankles.

“Never thought for one minute that you are.” He taps his nose. “Gaydar tells me you’re not.”

“Then why…?”

“Why am I here?” He nods. “Drummer knows some of the shit that I went through. He knows I got help and asked me to explain how the one thing you don’t want to do might be the very thing that needs doing.”

“You got counselling?” I guess.

“Eventually, yes. Not until I made Lady’s life miserable and constantly pushed him away, worried as fuck we’d be kicked out of the club with a beatdown, or worse, if it ever came out. I suppressed my desires, ignoring the very heart of me…” Joker pauses and a look of pain flits across his face. “If Lady hadn’t stuck by me, hadn’t forced me to stop living a lie, hadn’t gotten me help when I needed it… Well, let’s just say I’d be six feet under by now. Trying to live as something you’re not is unbearable. I think if Lady had truly left me, yeah, I’d have taken the easy way out.”

Something he says has resonated with me. Isn’t that what I’ve been doing, living a lie?

“So, counselling, talking to someone, made me see I wasn’t perverted and dirty. That it was perfectly fine to live as I wanted to do. Showed me I was as normal as the next man and deserved happiness in my life. It helped, Eli. So, your dad wanted me to talk to you, explain it’s worth giving it a try.”

“He wanted me to speak to you,” I swallow, not having realised everyone had seen it, “because I’ve been living a lie?” Somehow it makes it worse that they’d seen through my pretence.

Joker holds up his hands. “Hey, man. I was here to persuade you to talk to someone, not counsel you myself.” He chuckles softly. “Don’t think I’m cut out for that.”

“I can’t talk to a doctor, and you know why. What if I spill shit I shouldn’t be talking about?”

“So this is about club business? Something to do with the club took you down?”

“Yes… no… maybe.”

Joker rolls his eyes. When they come back to level at me, they sparkle. His mirth is infectious, and despite myself, my lips curve upward fractionally. “Well, if that ain’t confusing, I don’t know what is.” Now he draws back his legs until they’re bent under him and brings his hands down. “You’re ready to talk, but not to a doctor?”

I frown. Am I? I couldn’t talk to Dad, not to explain how I’d let him down. I couldn’t speak to Liv or Mom or my brother. Not Wraith as he’s Liv’s dad, and not Peg or Blade, they were uncles to me growing up. Joker though. He’s always been there, but we’ve not been close. Club brothers, yes, but if I wanted a confidant, I wouldn’t have sought him out. He’s distant enough to perhaps be objective.

---