Page 43 of Hawk's Cry

Joker snorts. “I remember. We all thought you’d grow up like Drummer.”

“That’s another thing.” I’d chuckled, but fleetingly. “I couldn’t be like him, I never had the chance. It felt like everyone assumed Liv and I would be together, that we were it for life. I never looked elsewhere.” I raise my head and stare at him. “You know how Drummer got his name. Me? I’ve only known one woman.”

“And she doesn’t satisfy you?”

“I don’t know. How could I when I don’t know anything different?”

“Eli.” Joker actually sounds annoyed. “I was there, okay? Don’t rewrite history. Sure, you grew up as best friends, and I agree we all thought it would be cute if you ended up together, but no one put any pressure on you. In fact, Wraith did all he could to encourage Olivia to have options. As did Sophie.”

Again, I let my eyes rest on him while my thoughts go back. Suddenly I’m back home with Mom questioning me as to whether there were any cute girls in high school. I remembered thinking the question odd—I had Olivia, why would I look anywhere else? Liv was more than any of them could be. She was my friend, my confidant. I lived for the day when I could make her mine. I hadn’t bothered to look elsewhere at all, I hadn’t wanted to.

Perhaps I’m biased looking back. They hadn’t tried to push us together, nor pulled us apart which would have made us more determined. Things were let to run their natural course, and Liv and I had stayed together.

“Tell me about the club,” Joker starts. “We’re always hard on prospects. We were harder on you, that I have to admit. Drummer couldn’t give you any preferential treatment, and for the sake of Cast who prospected at the same time, we had to give you both shit jobs. I know for a fact we asked more of you so Cast wouldn’t have a chance to complain.”

“He told me once he was glad he wasn’t the prez’s son,” I agree.

“But you stayed and put up with it. You could have walked away at that point. What I saw was a man who was prepared to give everything to the club.”

I had. I’d barely seen Liv for the whole of those twelve months. But that’s who I am. When I want something, I go for it. “I wanted to please Dad. He wanted me patched in.” My shoulders rise and fall.

“What did Sam want?”

“She accepted the inevitable. She always knew I was born to go into the club.”

“But there was no pressure?”

In fact, thinking back, she had asked if this was what I’d really wanted. I, of course, had assured her it was. As an answer, I shake my head.

Joker grimaces, then taps at his chin. “See, I’m having difficulty with this. The way we test prospects is to find them out. If you hadn’t convinced us becoming a member was everything to you, you wouldn’t have been patched in, never mind who your father was. I can’t believe that you had us fooled or were that good an actor. The man I saw gave his all to be accepted into the club. Got the unanimous vote required with no pressure from Drummer.”

“But that’s what I wanted. Can’t you see?” I add, impatiently. “I couldn’t fail. Couldn’t let down my dad, or me. By then I was committed, I had to succeed. There was nothing else I was capable of.”

“So you patched in. Sat around the table, a full member like me.” Joker’s hand scratches his face, and his brow creases. “That problem with Archangel, you were the one to sort that out. You came up with the plans on how to handle it. Fuckin’ good ones as well, worked like a charm. Not only then, you showed good judgement, but time after time. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and you’re a good man to have at your side in a fight. You proved yourself not just as a member, but as a man we could all trust. When Wizard proposed you as VP, I for one couldn’t think of a better choice.” He breaks off abruptly, then stares at me. “How could you have accepted the VP spot if you didn’t want to be in the fuckin’ club? You could have said something. No one forced you into that post.”

“How could I?” I cry out. “It was the pinnacle of what Dad wanted, for me to step into his shoes. To become VP just like he had back in my grandfather’s day. I’d just turned twenty-five, Joker. Too fuckin’ young to have that responsibility.”

His hand slashes through the air. “Age is just a number. It’s experience that counts, and seven years riding with the Devils puts men in more challenging situations than most have in the whole of their lives. We already looked up to you, Eli. Making you VP just formalised that.”

“My whole life,” I cry out, “plotted and planned from the day I was born. I’d had no choice, Joker. I don’t know who I am. I got Liv pregnant, I’ll admit my part in that. I was VP for the club, responsible for men’s lives, and responsible for my wife and the child who’s coming along. I was going to fail them, one way or another. Fail the club, fail my wife, fail my kid…” My voice trails off as I start to sob, getting out my final thoughts before I break down. “Everyone was depending on me. I couldn’t afford to make a mistake. I started to question every decision. I got to the place where I couldn’t even think. Give me a choice, and I couldn’t choose. Do that, and someone might die, do this, and it might be someone else. That day… My wedding day, and we thought Archangel was coming for us? I wanted to marry Liv with everything that was in me, but I had to think of my club. Should I cancel the wedding? Should we let it go ahead? Should we send the women away?”

“It wasn’t just your decision,” Joker states. “At the end of the day, it was all of ours, and Wizard would have the final word.”

“But what if I’d made a suggestion and you’d all voted yes? What if it had been the wrong one?”

“Then we’d all have been responsible for agreeing with what you said.”

My voice rises. “I couldn’t play with people’s lives anymore. I had to leave the club. I couldn’t put anyone at risk. But being outside is no better, I can’t support my wife. Can’t even see a way I could bring up a kid.”

My head drops into my hands as I realise for the first time, I’ve told someone my innermost thoughts and fears. That I’ve admitted my whole life’s been a sham, and that the man they thought they knew isn’t who I really am.

The tears start to fall all over again. If I was faced with trouble, I wouldn’t be able to decide on the correct way to turn. I’m a fraud, and I have been all my life.

Suddenly the bed dips, and the way it does shows me it’s not my wife. It’s a man. Joker? But he wouldn’t wrap his arms around me and pull me close. He doesn’t have a smell that reminds me of everything good about my childhood. No, it’s Drummer, the man who gave me life.

Somewhere in my subconscious I realise he must have been listening all along. It’s both a burden and relief that he heard me get everything off my chest. I don’t blame him. He couldn’t help trying to mould me into a reflection of himself, it’s probably what I’d try to do with my own son.

He rocks me as though I’m a child being comforted after falling off his bike, or breaking a favourite toy. He says nothing, just allows me to weep. His only movement is to reach for the box of man-sized tissues someone must have brought in.

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