Page 44 of Hawk's Cry

It’s only when my tears dry and I start to come back to myself that he uses words. “Son, I’d go out and buy you a fuckin’ Barbie doll right now if I thought that would help.”

A combination between a sob and a laugh is startled out of my mouth.

Chapter Sixteen

Drummer…

“Sam.”

“What’s up, Drum? Do you need me to come home?”

Just the way I’d said her name alerted her, showing how well she knows me.

“Yeah. You, and Sophie. I’m sorry to cut your trip short, but we need you both back here.” I take a deep breath and then explain what’s happened with Eli, and, apparently, the part we both played.

Like she knows me, I know her. I can tell she’s trying to hide her own distress. Of course her first reaction would be to reassure me. “It’s not your fault, Drummer. Eli’s not thinking clearly. You never pushed him into anything. He wanted to be a mini-you from the time he was born.”

“He copied me to please me.”

“He’s not thinking straight right now. He’s ill, Drum. Sure, he copied you, but that was because he’d inherited so much of your personality.”

I don’t know whether that’s true. I walk to the window, looking out on the front yard which could do with some maintenance now the prospects don’t come around anymore. It’s clear Eli hasn’t made it a priority. As for Olivia, she can barely see her feet now, let alone mow grass. Idly I think I need to send someone around.

Sam’s voice continues in my ears. “Sophie’s here. She’s been speaking to Wraith. Mouse is booking us on the first flight home.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m out of my depth, Sam. Eli needs you, I need you.” Truth be told, I worry any time she’s away from me, but our old ladies had been planning this time away for so long, I wish I didn’t have to ask her to come home. But I’ll be fucked if I know how to make this right. My son needs his other parent as well.

“Of course he does. But Drum? Please stop beating yourself up. It sounds to me that Eli’s been overthinking things. Sure, he’s telling a version of accounts which fit, but they’re not what we remember, and somewhere in between probably lies the truth.”

There’s the woman I know and love, often speaking sense which grounds me. “I miss you, Sam. I need you. I love you.” There was a time when I never thought I’d find a woman I wanted forever until I found Sam.

“I love you too, Drummer. I’ll be back soon. We’ll make things right for Eli.” The confidence that things can turn back around bolsters me.

Having her and Sophie home will be for the best. Wraith and I are men of action, dealing with fear that exists in a man’s head is way beyond our comprehension.

Olivia and I had been at our wit’s end when Eli had again refused to go to see Dr de Souza. Sure, I’d threatened to physically drag him there, but my son is just like me. Being forced to do something would mean he would dig his heels further in and, like a horse being taken to water, he would have refused to cooperate.

I’d been wracking my brains, trying to think how I could get him to understand talking would help. Apart from just making him stubborn, taking a man dressed only in boxer briefs to the hospital was probably a sure way to get him committed.

For some reason, Joker had come into my mind, and I remembered how much psychotherapy had helped him back when he and Lady came out to the club. Of course, by the time they’d told us, most of us had already guessed. But Joker had lived with the fear he would have to give up either the club or the man he loved. The help he got showed him he could have both.

Joker might have been able to persuade Eli to seek help, that was all I’d wanted from him, but he’d done more. He’d shared some of his own pain which had driven Eli to open up.

Fuck, but that had been hard to hear. Listening to Eli speak as he spewed it all out, it sounded like everything I’d ever done for my son had been a mistake.

I’d selected Wraith as my VP when he’d been just a couple of years older than Eli was now. Age doesn’t mean much, it’s a man’s character that means more. I’d been proud as fuck when Wizard, with no input from me, selected Eli as his right-hand man. Back as just a member at the time, I had every confidence in my son. Hell, if I thought he wasn’t capable of doing the job, I’d have spoken up. As VP he’d be leading me and the brothers into and out of danger. If there was any doubt of his ability, even if I had applied any influence, he wouldn’t have gotten the votes.

But now he’s lost confidence in himself. Had we read him wrong? Was what we’d thought we’d seen in him not really there? I can’t understand. It doesn’t make sense. But to see my strong son brought down to his knees is devastating.

“He’s sleeping.”

I turn to watch Olivia approach, noticing how her eyes glisten. “Sam and your mom are on their way back.”

She nods to show she’s already heard, from Wraith I expect. “How did I not see things were so badly wrong, Drummer? Why didn’t I get him help before?”

“Don’t beat yourself up. Eli had left the club. Things were bound to be different in the citizen world. You both had to adjust.”

“He’s been saying some nasty stuff to me,” she admits. “Suggesting I’m not enough for him. That perhaps he wants something else.”

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