Page 45 of Hawk's Cry

“That’s his illness talking,” I tell her, sharply. “And, he is ill. He’s going to get better with our help.”

“I’m expecting a baby in a month. What am I going to do?”

Yeah, I’d sound distraught, too, if I were in her place. She’s got her own health and that of the child she’s incubating to consider. She should be everyone’s focus, but now she’s got the extra worry of caring for Eli as well. She’s not going to abandon him. I know her too well to think otherwise.

I purse my lips and look at her carefully. “I think you both should come back to the club.”

“That means everyone will need to know that Eli’s not right. Otherwise…”

Otherwise he’ll never be allowed to come back. She’s right. He’d risk a beatdown on sight. “I can go back later and pave the way.”

She thinks for a moment.

I give her the time, but hell, there’s no shame in admitting someone’s got a problem inside their head. Something they couldn’t help in the same way as it wouldn’t be their fault catching the flu. If I know my brothers, they’ll all have Eli’s back. I suspect in some ways they’ll be relieved that it wasn’t the Hawk we knew and loved who walked out, that he hadn’t been himself when he’d made the decisions he had. But like me, hell, some will wonder why we hadn’t realised and carry the burden of guilt themselves.

When she speaks, it’s not to agree. Instead she shrugs, as though putting any decision off. “I’ll go get some dinner started. Dad said he’d be here soon.”

I raise my chin at her as she goes into the kitchen, distracted by my thoughts. I’d spoken with Eli, tried to reassure him that he’d never be a disappointment to me, that I’d be behind him in whatever he wanted from life. I couldn’t make promises I couldn’t keep, but I’d do everything I fucking could to make sure he could come back to the club if that’s what he wanted, though right now, that’s the last thing he wants.

I was the prez of the Satan’s Devils, I’m used to leading men, making decisions which involved life or death. I’ve never before felt at such a loss as to what’s the right thing to do, as this involves my flesh and blood. My son.

Whether it’s the tablets that Eli’s swallowed down, or whether talking has taken it out of him today, he’s still asleep when Wraith arrives. Knowing Olivia won’t be alone, and knowing, despite his antics with a shotgun the day he discovered Eli had gotten his daughter pregnant, I know Wraith loves Eli like he would his own kid. I’m comfortable heading off for a time.

I don’t need to explain Wizard will be expecting an update, so I get on my bike and ride back to the compound having to admit I’m glad to be going home. I’m pleased as fuck that later tonight, I’ll have my wife back in my arms. I need her to help me make sense of all that’s being going on.

Parking outside the clubhouse, I step inside and head straight for the bar. Butcher’s got my favourite whisky in his hand as I approach. Guess I look like I’m in need of a shot.

“Prez around?”

The prospect jerks his head toward the pool table. “Over there, having a word with Hound.”

Wizard happens to look across. When he sees me watching him, he raises his hand and holds up his forefinger. I turn back to the bar, leaving him to finish up his business with the sergeant-at-arms, and take a moment to myself.

Suddenly I lurch forward, almost splashing my precious whisky over the bar. Almost. Peg’s lucky. If I had, he’d have had my fist in his face.

“How’s it going, old-timer?” As I turn around, he catches sight of my face. “Fuck. I haven’t seen an expression like that since we went up against the Herreras.”

“How’s Eli?” Joker’s come up on my other side.

“Eli? What the fuck’s up with him? Thought he was the one whose name should never be mentioned.” As Rock makes the sign of the cross, Joker gives him a smack around the head.

“There are things you don’t know,” Joker snarls.

Peg’s standing with his eyebrow raised. I’m trying to formulate some reply when Wizard comes across.

“Ready to tell everyone yet?”

Prez seems to think we’ll bring this straight out into the open. As I wonder, am I ready to what accounts to baring my soul? My brow creases as I realise I trust all these men with my life, with that of my old lady, with those of my sons. If I’d fucked up, they might as well know about it. The best place for Eli is back with people around him, undoubtably the best solution for Olivia as well.

One of them turned his back on the club. That he wasn’t in his right mind when he did so, that he had reasons for acting the way he had done, makes me certain they won’t let him down when he needs them now. I’m more concerned of the hurt I’ll be bringing to them. If I know anything of the men I ride alongside, it’s that they’ll all be questioning themselves like I am.

I give Wizard the chin lift he’s been waiting for. He wastes no time.

“Butcher. Call everyone in. Church in an hour.”

“You going to fill us F.O.Gs in?” Peg asks.

“I don’t want to go through this more than once, Peg. Sam and Sophie are coming back early from New York. I’ve got to make arrangements to get them picked up.” With that, I finish my whisky, decline another glass, then go to find a prospect to issue my instructions to.

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