Page 47 of Hawk's Cry

“None of us did,” Wizard puts in. “Not all on you, Brother.”

I notice Joker lifting his chin as I continue, “Eli didn’t leave the club because he wanted to or because he preferred life on the citizen side.”

“Then why did he fuckin’ leave?” Hound asks impatiently.

I inhale deeply. “Because he didn’t want to let any man around this table down. He didn’t want to expose our old ladies, or children to danger. He didn’t want to do anything that might cost lives.”

A silence settles as everyone stares at me.

Mouse’s eyes, especially, seem to bore into mine. “He was going to betray us? Was he under pressure?”

Pressure is right, but not from an external source. I address Mouse’s first point. “He wouldn’t betray us, knowingly,” I tell them fast. “But inadvertently, he thought he might. He was so cut up with making the right decisions, he thought he could lead us wrong. He lost confidence in his judgement, Brother. Hell,” I know my eyes feel wet, so totally unlike me, “he’s reached the place where he doesn’t know what time of day is right to brush his fuckin’ teeth.”

“He’s bad, brothers.” Seeing my plight, Joker takes over from me. “I’ve seen him, spoken to him, so if you can’t take it from Drummer, take it from me. He needs help. He wasn’t talking to Drummer, to Olivia or anyone. Everything came to a head when Eli collapsed in the street. It was only then Olivia contacted Drummer, who in turn called me in as I had had therapy and knew what Eli didn’t believe, that it could help. Well, I went to speak to him, and he recognised something in me, and opened up. He’s as lost as any man could be.” He glances at me, notices my distress and continues, “He’s hit rock bottom, brothers. He’s out on his own with no support.”

“He’s got his wife. He chose to leave,” Marvel throws in.

“Olivia is close to giving birth. Eli’s state of mind means he’s questioning his marriage, whether he’s good enough for her. He’s about closed himself off completely.”

“Wraith there, with him?” Jekyll suggests incisively.

“Yes,” Wizard confirms. “Eli can’t be left alone.” He wipes his hand over his face. “I’ve seen him, brothers. My assessment is he’s a danger to himself, if not unintentionally to someone else.”

“He getting professional help?”

I pick up Peg’s question and run with it. “He’s been prescribed antidepressants, but refuses to see the therapist right now.”

Shooter blows out air noisily.

Drifter glances at him, then says firmly, “He needs to come home. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it, VP?”

“He’s not sitting around this table—”

“Not suggesting that, Marvel. But here, on the compound where we can all take shifts.”

“Suicide watch, you mean?” Heart looks upset.

He’s not as distressed as me hearing him put it so succinctly, but he’s right. Left to his own devices, Eli might think his permanent absence is best for the world.

“So we’re going to vote on whether we allow him back?”

“He left with a beatdown and that was that—”

“Marvel,” Wizard growls, stopping the man speaking further. He stares at each of the members who all hold their tongues. “VP, this is where we ask you to step out.”

Knowing it is, I stand. The men need to talk freely, and I don’t need to be here to listen to shit which I may be tempted to follow up with my fists.

I can’t blame them for not leaping in with their offers of help. Eli betrayed the club in the worst possible way when he took off the cut bearing our colours. He’d disrespected our way of life and everything the club stands for.

Surely, if they could do the same thing as I’ve done, look back over the past year or even more with the benefit of hindsight, they’d too pick up on little signs, things that perhaps we’d missed.

I don’t blame Olivia for not realising how serious things with Eli had gotten. For a start, she’s pregnant and her mind is rightfully focused on her own health and that of her unborn child, and secondly, at first sight, his problems were of his own making, caused by him insisting they both had to leave the club.

I sit at a table in the clubroom, empty except for a couple of whores waiting around until church is over, and the prospect standing behind the bar. No one interrupts me. I’ve not touched a sweet butt since Sam entered my life, and prospects know to leave me alone.

Slight changes in Eli’s language come into my head. Subjects on which my son had previously been decisive had started to be answered more vaguely instead with an I’m not certain, or an I’m not sure. Why hadn’t that registered with me then? Looking back, I’d put it down to him thinking more with the added responsibility of being second in command, being extra thoughtful and considerate. It had never occurred to me he’d been doubting and questioning himself.

The door opens and reveals the person I want to see most. I stand and greet her halfway.

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