Page 55 of Hawk's Cry

I rest back against the headrest with my eyes closed on the short drive, going back over what the therapist said. One thing had struck me, that I’m far from alone in getting depressed. Depression, it would seem, is suffered by many, far more than people think. But, as I’ve discovered, when you’re deep in the depths, it’s not something you want to talk about or admit.

Maybe the first step to recovery is acknowledging something is wrong, disclosing how you’re suffering and asking for help.

I’m a man. I’ve been brought up in an environment where men are strong, decisive, and leap into action. They are not weak, hesitant, or scared to make a move in case it’s the wrong one. The imbalance between what I thought I should be, and what I was, had all but destroyed me. It’s time to discover who I am, but not out on my own in the citizen world. No, I need to be among my family with my brothers around me.

Arriving home, I notice that Olivia’s car isn’t there. I’m disappointed. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her I’ve put my foot on the first rung of the ladder to recovery. That I’ll do my fucking best to be a good husband to her, and that if I fall back, it won’t be for want of trying.

I want her. My wife. Not completely, not just yet. Another thing the doc had explained was that the erectile dysfunction was due to what’s been going on with me, not because of her.

Her pregnancy has just made her more beautiful to me, but I’d convinced myself I didn’t deserve her. I had been pushing her away as I thought it would be better for her if she’d leave, all the while knowing that if she had left my life, well, that would have had me eating that bullet for sure.

The door opens. Dad’s already there, standing, hesitant, his sharp eyes examining me. He waves me inside.

I stand for a moment, looking around the house that had never felt like home to me. “I’m coming back to the compound,” I tell him. Then I take a deep breath, pushing my feelings of inadequacy down, and the shame of how much I’ve disappointed him. I add just three words. “I’ll get there.”

Understanding me completely, he raises his chin. “I know you will, Son.”

“Eli?”

I go to my mom, pulling her into my chest. “I’m coming home,” I tell her.

“Well that’s bloody good news,” Sophie calls, having overheard.

“I’m calling the prospects back,” Hound informs.

“Where’s Liv?”

Wraith appears. He doesn’t look happy. “She went to pick up some dry cleaning. Then I got a text saying she was going to have coffee with a friend.”

I frown. A friend? I didn’t know she’d made any while she’d been here, but then, she could have told me, and so wrapped up in myself, I might not have taken it in. I’m sure she’ll come home if I call her, trouble is, I don’t even know where my phone is. Last time I know I had it was when I went out the day I had my breakdown. “Can you text her, Wraith? Ask her to come back.” Now I’ve made my decision, I don’t want to hang around.

“I’ll call her,” her father agrees, and takes out his phone, tapping at the keys. He raises it to his ear with a small smile, but then his features slowly rearrange themselves into a frown. “No answer,” he observes unnecessarily. He tries again. Then, looking down, taps at the keypad.

“Her location is showing as The Coffee Cup.” Wraith looks up then down again. “She’s probably got her phone on silent or something. She ignored my fuckin’ text telling her to come back.” He tries for a third time to place the call, then shakes his head. “It’s going straight to voicemail.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Dad snarls. “Weren’t you worried about that?”

“No I fuckin’ wasn’t. She was in one of her snits. Christ, Drummer. She’s been away from the compound for months. She’s gotten used to doing what she wants.”

“What friend is she seeing? You got her number?”

“I didn’t get an answer to that.”

Throttle sighs. “Want me to go and hurry her up? Two women gossiping? It could go on for hours.”

“The prospects will be here soon. Probably need her to tell us what they need to pack up.” Hound gives me a sideways glance, but I just nod. To be honest, I didn’t take much notice of what’s ours and what was here when we arrived.

“Yeah, thanks, Throttle.”

When Wraith agrees, the enforcer holds out his hand to Hound who passes him the keys to the truck.

I make my way to the couch and settle down to wait. I sigh, feeling exhausted. The effect of the tablets and the draining discussion with the therapist have knocked the shit out of me.

A hand touches my shoulder. “How are you feeling?” Mom sits down beside me.

“Wrung out,” I admit. It’s true, I feel I’ve been put through the wringer today. I’m trying hard to hold on to my positive thoughts, but the darkness keeps threatening to take me under again. An inner voice I’m trying to fight back is trying to tell me it’s fate. It would be far easier not to disturb Liv’s day, go back to bed and delay the move... forever? Is it the right thing to do? Am I sure?

“It’s going to be okay,” she tells me softly. “Take it day by day, Eli. We know what we’re dealing with now.”

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