Page 7 of Hawk's Cry

Our baby will be the first of the next generation born on the compound, but will be joined by Wizard and Amy’s only three months further down the line. I’d thought our children would grow up together, just like Eli and I had. The thought that we won’t be living in close proximity is soul destroying.

The third emotion I feel is anger. A blast of rage that he hasn’t considered me overcomes me. How dare he make such decisions on his own, ones which will have such a far reach for our little family?

It seems he’s given no thought that soon we’ll have a baby to feed, while having nowhere to live, and perhaps no means to put food on our table.

Perhaps he’d lied. Perhaps, despite what he’d said, his unhappiness was down to me. Perhaps when he leaves, he’ll go alone leaving me behind. Because I’ve become baggage he no longer wants.

Have we been growing so far apart without me knowing how serious it was?

“Olivia?” my mom calls from my kitchen.

“In here.” I realise I’m still holding one of his clean shirts and place it down on the rest of the laundry I’ve taken out of the drier.

“Olivia? Are you? Oh, Ollie.” Mom’s arms come around me. “He’s a bloody wanker.”

My eyes go wide as I sob into her chest then pull away and take a deep breath. “You know already?”

“Yeah, we do. Want one of your disgusting decafs?” Eli’s mom’s voice comes from the kitchen.

This is part of why I love living on the compound. We might live in separate houses, but our doors are never locked, and people treat each one as their own home. Sure, it can be a bit embarrassing at times—it wouldn’t only be the once Mom’s walked in when Eli’s been thrusting home. Or me interrupting her with Wraith. I’d had to bleach my eyeballs on that occasion. But when one of us is hurting, everyone rallies around.

“Yeah, thanks, Sam,” I call back. With Mom’s arm around me, I walk to the kitchen, unsurprised to see Sam’s got three cups prepared. Proper coffee for her, decaf for me, and a tea for my still-after-all-these-years very British mom who hasn’t forgotten her origins.

Mom picks up her cup, then puts it back down realising it’s too hot to sip. She waves to the kitchen table. “Spill. What’s going on with Hawk?”

“What do you know?” I take the offensive, not feeling ready to have this discussion, not overly eager to dissect what a failure as a wife I am.

Sam shrugs. “Not a lot.” She eyes me carefully. “Drummer and Wraith spoke to us for a couple of minutes before disappearing into church. They said they thought Eli might have spoken to you about something that might upset you. They wanted you to have support, if he has.” She waves her hands. “Looks like they were right.”

I hadn’t wanted to speak to anyone until I’d processed Eli’s revelations myself. Now they’ve confronted me, it all spills out. “You mean that brief conversation where he told me he wanted to leave the club and live off compound? Yeah.”

“Jesus!” Mom cries. “It’s true. I was hoping Wraith was wrong.”

Sam looks more resigned, as though she’d been more convinced by Drummer. “I’m so sorry, Ollie.”

“It’s worse than that,” I admit. “Mom, Sam, I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to leave…”

Sam gives me a sharp look. “He may be my son, but you’ve always meant as much to me as a daughter of my own, Olivia.”

“I’d have said I looked on Eli as my son,” my mom remarks. “Though now I might just have to disown him.”

“He’s an asshole. Your place is here, where you’ve always lived. His too.” Sam purses her lips. “What the hell has gotten into him?” She sits, pulling me down beside her and takes one of my hands in hers. “How have things been between the two of you?”

I press my lips together. There are things you can’t say to your mom and mother-in-law. I can’t tell them he’s not touched me for weeks, or that I’ve been walking on eggshells around him. “Fine,” I lie. “He’s been a bit preoccupied, but I thought that had something to do with club business.” Both women roll their eyes and nod sympathetically. “But to find out it’s his feelings about the club?” I continue, “This has hit like a bombshell. I hadn’t a clue what he was thinking.”

A tear runs down my cheek. I wipe it away, uncertain whether the man I’m crying for deserves it. The man I’ve known all these years, well, I’d have said he does, but tonight I was faced with someone new. Someone I didn’t feel I knew at all. Had there been signs that I’d been ignoring, that my fairy tale life was already broken?

“Oh, sweetheart.” Mom sits to my other side. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I can’t believe it,” Sam says. “He’s not acting like the son I brought up.”

“Is it the baby?”

“Maybe it is,” I answer Mom softly. “Perhaps Eli’s been pulling away ever since I found out I was pregnant.” Previously, we’d both been insatiable, but while my appetite for sex has increased, Eli’s has diminished. I had told myself it was because he was scared of harming the baby, but maybe it was something else? Maybe he didn’t want me as his wife anymore. Maybe my pregnancy belly is a turn-off. It clearly isn’t a turn-on.

Mom looks annoyed, but Sam looks confused. “Eli always spoke about eventually having a family with you,” she tells me. “I can’t believe my son would walk away now. And from what you said, he wants to leave the club, not you. Will you go with him? You know you’d be welcome to stay here if you want.”

The direct question—me having to confront a decision I won’t want to make—has me flinging myself at my mom, tears flooding again now, and me unable to stop them. “I don’t want to leave,” I wail. “I want to stay here, close to you two, close to everyone else. The compound is all I’ve ever known for the whole of my life. How will I survive without it?”

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