Page 101 of Being Lost

If only it was as easy as that. “I don’t know how to contact him,” I explain. Maybe that was a question I should have asked Shark. Too late now. “Throwing a wrench into his smooth-running works will get his attention.”

Again I glance around, studying the faces of every man present. They elected me to lead them, part of which is keeping them safe. Maybe it’s not just Reboot who’s concerned about the danger implicit in what I’ve proposed we do. “This isn’t our fight, this is mine. I want Alder taken out, but that’s because I want my old lady to be free.”

“Stop right there, Prez.” Smoker raises his hand. “I don’t like anything I hear about this Alder. He’s fucking up my town. Drugs were bad enough, but this trafficking he’s got going on?” He raps his knuckles on the table. “I, for one, want him taken down.”

“Goes for me too.” Pennywise nods at Smoker.

“Me three.”

Others follow Salem’s comment.

“Been fuckin’ boring lately,” Bones observes. “I’d like a chance to crack some heads together.”

I’d comment they weren’t taking this seriously, but while their words may be lighthearted, their expressions are not.

My VP’s shaking his head. I cock an eyebrow toward him.

“What you’re forgetting, Prez, is that Patsy’s not just your ol’ lady. Even without that, she’d be club. She’s part of the MC because her daughter is our Colorado brother’s ol’ lady, and Demon, prez of that club, charged us with looking out for her.”

I draw in a breath. He’s right, but I’d overlooked that fact. Some of the guilt of including my brothers in what feels like a personal fight drifts away. If we stepped back, Demon would probably come in to fill the gap. One way or another, Alder was going to meet his end via the Satan’s Devils. Like Salem had earlier, I stretch my hands, making my knuckles crack and grin. “Well, let’s get down to the details then.”

We take a few minutes to agree what time we’re going to head out tonight, then I dismiss them all, sitting back in my chair for a moment. I need some time to go over the plans in my head, thinking of what I might have missed, and what could come up and take us from the blind side.

It all hinges on what we find out. Plans laid can be altered once we know the lay of the land. While I search in the depths of my mind, I can’t think of anything more I can do now.

You’ve forgotten something. Shut up, I tell the voice in my head.You’ve not considered everything. You’re lost before you start. I’ll be seeing you soon.

Abruptly I stand, kicking at my chair. Problem is, there’s a large part of me that wonders whether the virtual Snake who haunts me is right. Have I forgotten something? Would I let the others down so badly they’ll destroy my cut and burn the tat off my back? Or, maybe I’ll just take a bullet in the head.

What if I’m about to lead my men into a war that we can’t win?

No.I slam both palms down on the table. No, I won’t. I may not trust myself, but I trust them. I couldn’t ask for a better man than Dart to be at my right hand. Salem, Grumbler, Bones and Pennywise know what they’re doing, and I can depend on them. Niran, well, he’ll step up as the sergeant-at-arms if Grumbler ever steps down. And Keeper, Deuce and Reboot were all patched in by me, and I wouldn’t have brought them on board if I didn’t think they’d make the grade.

I may be the prez, may ride at the head, but this club is more than one man. If I were taking the wrong direction, Dart would let me know.

That’s what was missing between me and Snake. Snake always knew which way to head, and never turned back even when he knew he was wrong. He didn’t need to take advice from anyone. Fuck knows he hadn’t let me in on the plans that ended up with him dead.

I stand up straight. Snake was wrong. Having doubts, asking questions isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Snake was weak, thinking he was always right. It’s that that had led to his death. For now, I’m still alive. And rather than being responsible for the decimation of my club, I’m determined to lead them right.

“You’ll fuck up.”

“Get away, Snake.”

A manic chuckle. “You know I’m right. Lost. That’s what you are. You’ll always lose in the end.”

I won’t fuck up. Or I’ll die trying not to. What I have now, my brothers, my club, my woman, far too important to make a mistake.

“They’ll all see through you in the end.”

But they won’t. They’ll see a man doing his best. My business was always my sole responsibility, that was the error I’d made. My mistake had been to take everything on my own shoulders, including the success, or as it turned out, the failure of my marriage. This time, I’ll be sharing the burden, club-wise and with my ol’ lady. Patsy will be there with me one hundred percent.

“You were the one who thought you could go it alone, Snake. You were the one with the ideas that didn’t pan out. You were the one who the club kicked out.”

“No, you’ll fuck up.”

“Yeah, I might. But never as badly as you.”

The shadowy figure shimmers. “You…” For once he sounds uncertain of himself. “I made you, Lost. You’d be dead without me.”

---