Page 18 of Being Lost

“He might be packing his bags.” I wouldn’t blame him if he was filling a suitcase. If I’d brought Alder to our home, we’d have to move like right now.

“He lives in the backyard?” Lost nods over my shoulder. As I turn, I see Dan standing in the beam from the security light in the middle of the grass, his head bowed.

As I stare, Lost leads me out of sight of the window. “Give him some space,” he suggests.

“I gave him space when he went to live with his dad. That got us nowhere at all. I thought he’d soon run home with his tail between his legs, but instead he stayed.”

“You think it’s easy for a man to admit he’s wrong?” Lost shakes his head. “Especially at that age, he’d have tried to make what go of it he could. He’d left to make a point to you and wouldn’t return until that point had been made. But he was in the wrong place, with the wrong man and unable to do that. In the end, he wanted out, as you know.”

“I made so many mistakes with him, Lost. Thought I was making up for them now. Now I’ve messed up. Look, let me go to him, I have to explain.”

“Explain what?” Lost’s fingers tighten on the arm he still hasn’t let go of. Some primal part of my brain is enjoying the connection between us, but why, I really don’t know. Perhaps it’s been so long, I’m desperate to have a man’s hands on me anyway I can.

“What are you going to explain, babe?” he continues, oblivious to the thoughts in my head. “That you love both your kids equally? That while you’re here supporting Dan, Beth is always on your mind? It’s not that you prefer one over the other, it’s that you’re a good mom, and care for them both.”

“I—”

I’m interrupted by the voice of my son. “I’m not fucking thinking that, Mom. Get that out of your head. Iknowyou care about me. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But hell, Mom, you must miss Beth. This is the longest you’ve ever been apart. Iknowyou’d like to be part of her life. Fuck it, so would I. But I fucked up and gave up my right to have all my family with me. I’ve been offered a new start in life and am young enough to take it, but you’ve been dragged away from everything you’ve known. Your house you lived in for years is now Beth and Ink’s home, you can’t speak to your friends, or hold those barbecues when everyone came around. To come with me, you’ve ripped yourself away from everything, the life you loved as well as Beth.”

After the final words of his long speech come out of his mouth, I open mine to tell him it’s worth it, but it appears he hasn’t finished yet.

“Yeah, you fucked up calling Beth, but all Alder has is the city and state you called from. It’s only supposition we live anywhere close by. We’ve just got to keep our heads down, and hope we stay out of his sights.” He grimaces as if he’s realised that means staying hidden, only going out when it’s essential to do so. It makes him add, “Or, we decide this is the time I use that number to get in touch with the agent they told me to contact in case of trouble. Ask them to move us somewhere else.”

“I’m the risk,” I tell him, having realised the truth in what Lost had said. “They let me come with you, but only after I begged. Now I’ve messed up and done exactly what they thought I would, I contacted Beth. They would be in their rights to refuse to relocate me.”

Dan looks at me with an expression in his eyes which belie the number of years he’s lived on this earth. “Perhaps it’s time to face up to hard choices, Mom. I’m the one who needs to pay for what I did. If the marshals will only move me, then maybe that’s for the best. You can go back to your life.”

“No, she can’t,” Lost interrupts, brushing a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know this Alder, but a man doesn’t manage to stay one step in front of the feds or arrange pipelines to bring drugs in undetected without having a brain in his head. He knows Patsy, remember? She chose bringing you and your sister up right against living off your dad’s ill-gotten gains. He’ll know she didn’t just abandon you both, not a good woman like her. After losing you, she’d have stayed close to her daughter.”

Dan’s lips press together. “But she didn’t stay with Beth, she left. So following that logic, it’s me she’s with, so I can’t be dead.” He shakes his head. “Alder knows I’m alive.”

“We can’tknowhe thinks that, Dan.” I’m clutching at straws, I know.

“I like San Diego,” he says tiredly. “I actually like having a job where I don’t have to hide from the cops, but I don’t know what to do now I’ll need to keep looking over my shoulder all the time. When I was ‘dead’ I could relax and enjoy myself. Work, make friends, do what normal guys of my age do. I could look to my future and think of going to college.” He shrugs. “But perhaps I’ll just start all over again somewhere else. But, Mom… Look, I know how much you miss Beth.”

The expression in his eyes suggests he thinks I’ll try to contact her again. He might be right. I might be able to go weeks, months even, but years and never hearing from my daughter again? “All we can hope is this has an end date. Eventually the feds will have to catch Alder. Then it will be safe for us to go home.”

Lost snorts. “Not unless Alder is dead. If it’s revenge he’s after, he’ll probably have a long reach even when he’s in the pen.” As Dan and I exchange dismayed glances, Lost speaks again, continuing in a reasonable tone, “Perhaps there’s another option?”

Dan swings around and looks at him hopefully. “What are you talking about? What are you thinking?” I’m glad he asked as I don’t have a clue what else we can do other than to stay and risk Alder catching up with us, or one or both of us relocating out of state.

Lost indicates the couch and sits on it. He waves Dan toward the chair opposite him and pats the seat next to him and glances at me.

Accepting his unspoken invitation, I sit, making sure there’s a cushion between us. Lost disturbs me in ways I haven’t felt for many, many years.

Placing his elbows on his knees, he clasps his hands. “Alder’s keeping a low profile, just as you are yourself, Dan. He can’t afford to fuck up and show his face. Coming after you means taking risks I’m not sure he’d want to make. Sure, he’d rather you weren’t breathing, but this doesn’t make sense. The feds want Alder. One sniff he’s closing in on you and they could be tempted to use you as bait. Alder must be aware of this, and any move would have to be carefully planned.”

My eyes widen. “Could this be down to the feds? Could they have let it be known Dan’s not dead?” I gasp at the implications. “Are we being used?”

“Can’t completely discount it, but I don’t see it’s likely. They wouldn’t drip feed information, too much could go wrong. Without you being protected, Alder could sneak in under their net. I am wondering whether Dan knows more than he’s let on.” He raises an eyebrow.

“I know nothing,” Dan refutes. He gives me a weak grin. “I’m dead, remember.”

“Won’t blow smoke up your ass.” Lost looks at Dan then me. “As I told your mom, the message we got was cryptic. Might mean nothing at all, but I don’t take chances. Which means, I’m gonna act as though someone knows you’re alive. Always best to look at things in the worst light. We’ve been making assumptions your enemy is Alder, but we do need to discover whether anyone else could have you in their sights?”

Dan steeples his fingers beneath his chin. His creased brow shows he’s giving the question careful consideration. After a moment, he shakes his head. “I wasn’t a choir boy when I worked for Phil, probably made a few enemies when I was debt collecting for him, but they’re not the type of folks with the clout to come after me or believe anything other than it was me in that coffin. Alder’s the only one who could do that.”

“Is there anything you held back when you spoke to the feds about Alder?”

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