Page 27 of Being Lost

“Mom, this isn’t on you. I took you away from Beth who’s been a better daughter to you than I’ve been a son. Of course you miss her, and I don’t blame you one bit. But perhaps I’m better off on my own. I’ll get in touch with the marshals, see if they can move me again, but you go back to Pueblo.”

I haven’t had him back in my life very long, and I’ve been enjoying getting to know this more mature version of my son. I shake my head. “I don’t want that, Dan. I don’t want to lose you. This time, it would be for good.” How can I let my son go off on his own, knowing I’ll never see him again? He’ll be set up in a new town, hell a different state with a new name. Having only just reconnected with him, I don’t want to lose him for a second time. This experience will make him obey all the rules, he won’t risk picking up a phone. Not knowing whether he’s well and thriving would drive me crazy.

“Tell me again exactly what happened today, Mom.”

I do, for the second time emphasising that I called Lost. I’ve just about reached the end of my repeated story, when I get a call from the man I’ve been speaking about.

“Patsy, I had a talk with that asshole who’s been following you.”

“What did he say?”

“Shit I’ve got to wrap my head around.”

I swallow back my growl of frustration that he’s not telling me anything. Sometimes these bikers keep too much to themselves. I’d found that out in the Colorado club. “Dan wants to contact the marshals, get himself moved again,” I tell him.

There’s a moment’s pause, then, “Is he there? Can I speak to him?”

I pass over the phone, then can only hear one side of the conversation, which seems to involve a few grunts, a mmm hmm and a couple of okays. Dan ends the call.

“Well?” I rise up and down on my heels.

Dan takes in a breath, and his cheeks puff out as he exhales it in a loud sigh. Then his lips press tightly together. “Lost is pretty certain that no one else was involved today, and that we’re still safe to stay where we are. But he is sending a couple of men around. They’ll stay here tonight. It’s just a precaution, but apparently, the man they spoke to isn’t the only one who’s been looking for us. Lost says tomorrow we’re both to go to their compound, and we’ll discuss the next steps. He doesn’t think we should do anything else just yet.”

I spent enough time on the Satan’s Devils compound in Colorado to not worry about the prospect of staying with another chapter, albeit, it will be filled with men I don’t know. Lost seems okay, and I suspect his club members won’t be much different to the ones who rescued both my son and daughter. I trusted the Satan’s Devils once, and I can trust them again.

Dan looks indecisive. “I don’t know what to do, Mom.” His tone and expression make me think of him as a small boy, especially when he grimaces, then admits, “Is it bad to admit that I’m scared? I’m worried that I’ll spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and worrying that I’ll never be able to put roots down and never trust anyone. I thought coming here would be a fresh start, but Alder’s obviously got a reach far longer than I’d ever imagined.”

For a moment, he’s not a man approaching his twenty-third birthday, he’s a kid who needs his mom. “If I hadn’t called Beth, he’d never have known where to look.”

“San Diego’s a huge fuckin’ city, Mom. We should have beensafe. It should have taken him years, not weeks to get a bead on us. We shouldn’t underestimate him. If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again.”

“Oh, Dan.” I take a step closer to him, resting my hands on his arms, and looking up to meet his eyes. “This wasn’t what I expected either. I thought we could get away, start a new life. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough.”

“It’s different, Mom. I’m running for my life, having to start all over again to stay alive. You? You’ve got everything to live for back in Pueblo. It was always going to be hard; I don’t think either of us realised how much it would take.”

He’s right. He’s got a reason to go into hiding, I don’t. I can’t deny it will be hard to resist the temptation and end up messing everything up again. I can’t close my eyes without sending up a prayer that Beth’s safe and happy. I’ll never stop worrying about her. But Dan? I’d worry about him, too, if I didn’t know where he was. At least he’s driven by the need to keep his head under the radar. I can’t be the reason why he’s found and killed.

It’s that fear that leads me to tell him, “I don’t want to lose you again, Dan, but maybe it’s best if you go it alone. Two of us stick out much more than one young man. Maybe you’d have more of a chance if you were on your own.”

There’s so much hurt in his eyes as he looks at me—pain and regret for the things that he did in the past. For once I’d chosen him over Beth, and now I am being asked to remake that choice.

I hear the sound of a car pulling up outside the house and the engine stops. Wide-eyed, I stare at Dan in horror as he goes to the window and looks out.

Then my phone pings with a text.

Lost: Curtis and Dusty are outside. They’re my men.

“It’s Lost,” I tell Dan. “It’s the men he promised he’d send.”

Before Dan goes to open the door, he spares me a look, accompanied by the words, “This is what our life will look like from now on. Unless we, or I on my own, move to another location, this is a taste of what it will be like. Fuckin’ jumping every time someone knocks on the door. Never knowing if they’re friend or foe.”

It’s a chilling thought. Living in fear is not something I ever expected nor wanted to do, or what I want for my son. I want to spend my life designing clothes, not hiding out from a drug lord or whatever the proper term is to describe Alder now.

Of course my life would be perfect had I not had to make any choice at all and could have both my son and my daughter close. If only their father hadn’t been the man that he was. If I’d understood Dan better when he’d been in his teens, he’d never have sought out his dad. So many ifs that don’t serve to make anything better, the past cannot be rewritten now.

“I’m Dusty.” The strange voice makes me jump, and I turn to acknowledge the man who walks in. He’s got shoulder-length blond shaggy hair, and a short beard, but it’s his piercing blue eyes that catch my attention. He’s tall, slim built, but looks strong. “Curtis.” As he introduces his companion with just the one word, the big black man beside him raises his chin toward me. He looks like he could be in the military—tall, shoulders held up, back ramrod straight.

Dusty continues, “I’ll stay here tonight, inside. Curtis will be patrolling the perimeter. Both of us will be watching out all night.”

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