Page 4 of Being Lost

Seeing the state my son had been left in, realising how close I’d come to losing him had focused my mind. Dan had made wrong choices when he was eighteen, culminating in being arrested. It was only the knowledge he’d learned that kept him from being behind bars. But you don’t snitch on those types of people without risking them taking revenge. He was inches from death when he’d been rescued, so badly beaten it was easy to pretend he’d actually died.

He was being offered a fresh start, a second chance to make something of his life.

He should have learned his lesson; God knows it had been a hard one to learn. Still, I’d worried if I let him go off on his own with no one to set him on the right path, he’d continue making mistakes. He was the one who needed me now.

He was going to have to leave everything he’d ever known behind, start afresh with a new identity and I would not even know where. He’d be as dead to me as if he’d really been in that coffin that day. How could I leave him to do that on his own? Not when I knew Beth was happy and settled. So I chose to accompany my son.

But having made the decision, I had to persuade the federal agent who was Connor’s contact.

“You want to go into witness protection with your son. That can’t happen.”

I’ve just made one of the hardest decisions in my life, I’m not going to turn back now. “It has to work,” I told him. “I’m not abandoning Connor again.”

He sighed, his finger idly tracing the ink on the paper in front of him. He shook his head, then looked up. “Think about it, Mrs Foster. As far as everyone knows, Connor died of his injuries. It’s not safe for a dead man to be walking around Pueblo, or anywhere in Colorado for that matter. He’s only going to stay alive if there’s nothing to link him with home.”

“I know that. I’m going to disappear with him.”

Agent Caruso’s eyes hardened. “Alder Cantor is still suspicious about your son’s death. He’s still out there. If you stay here, you’ll be safe. If you leave, then both of you would need to be careful. One slip-up, one attempt to contact your daughter and that’s all it would take to bring him to your door. If he finds out that you knowingly cremated an empty coffin, then from what we know of the man, he’ll likely take revenge on you both.”

There were a few things wrong with that statement. Firstly, the coffin wasn’t empty, it contained the body of an anonymous homeless man who ended up with a funeral he could never have expected, surrounded by grieving mourners, courtesy of the Satan’s Devils of course. And secondly, why hadn’t the feds found Alder yet? With all the resources at their disposal and the evidence provided by my son, they should have had him in custody by now, and Connor wouldn’t need to go on the run. As for slipping up, Connor was more likely to do that alone in a strange city and state.

Alder seems to have disappeared into thin air. When he eventually turns up, Connor may need to arise from the dead to give evidence against him. Until then, for their own benefit, the feds would do everything in their power to keep my son safe. Which included, it seemed, separating him from his family.

The agent’s mind was on the benefit Connor staying alive will bring to him. Mine was on the welfare of my son. “There’s a risk if I let Connor go alone.” My voice got an edge to it as I’d tried to get through to the man. “He’s lived a criminal lifestyle for four years. What if he finds going straight too hard? What if he falls in with the wrong people?” I failed my son once by not protesting enough when he went to live with his father whose style of living tempted my son to walk well over the wrong side of the line. Now I’d gotten him back, I couldn’t make the same mistake again.

It had taken a while, but eventually I’d worn Agent Caruso’s objections down and reluctantly he’d agreed and had given me a brief glimpse that he was human.

“So I can go with Connor?” I’d pushed for confirmation.

“Connor Foster is dead,” he reminded me. “Dan Forster is currently being moved.” He sighed. “If you’re intent on following this through, if you’ve really considered the implications, I’ll allow you to go with your son. I have to agree with you on one thing, a criminal lifestyle can be tempting and difficult to stay away from. Your son would benefit from the guidance of his mom.”

I’d promised I’d considered all the consequences leaving my previous life would mean and would be able to accept the outcomes that came along with them. As it turns out, I hadn’t even scratched the surface. The first came quickly, my telling Beth I was moving away, and of necessity, cutting ties completely. Thank goodness Ink had been there to soften the blow for her, but no one had been there for me. I had no one to support me when I’d discovered that what I’d reasoned sounded easy, putting it into practice tore me into shreds and almost broke me completely.

I could never admit that to Dan or let him see how much leaving Beth pained me. He knows, of course, but I try to make light of it in front of him. I’d made the decision and I had to live with it, it wasn’t on him.

I miss my daughter something fierce. My heart aches every day and I still cry myself to sleep often, thinking I’d left her all alone.Not alone. With Ink, her man, and her MC family.

It was the right decision but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’d been so used to talking to Beth every day, sharing jokes and insights together, which only women can understand. Although I love my son, we’d not had the same relationship, particularly in his teenage years when our dealings with each other were so stormy at times to the extent he’d chosen to move out when he became eighteen. Dan had gone to live with his father, unable to believe the man was as bad as I’d made him out to be until he’d been sucked in so deep it was hard for him to climb back out.

Here we are, after a four-year gap, getting to know each other all over again. The positive over the last three months is that I’ve found he’s grown into a man I quite admire. Somewhere along the way, he’s acquired a sense of humour that still takes me off guard.

“I’m Beth’s height,” Dan points out, bringing my attention back from the past. “Long as you avoid the headshot, I can put on a padded bra and model your stuff.”

My eyes open wide as I turn to him. He’s muscular and tattooed, with long hairy legs sticking out from his shorts.

Suddenly his face cracks as he snorts a laugh. “Your expression, Mom.”

“Get out of here.” I wave at him, chuckling to myself. Yeah, for a second I thought he was being serious. “You’re not going to be of any help. Anyway, you’re going to work soon, aren’t you?”

He’s got a legitimate job that the feds helped him get, just something to tide him over. He works as a security guard in a shopping mall. The money he brings home isn’t much but it’s at least legal. Next semester he’s thinking of going to college but hasn’t yet settled on what he wants to do.

Part of the reason he went with his father was that he thought I was always comparing him to his sister and he’s right. He and she are very different—she’s good with words and numbers and he’s good with his hands. I made enough mistakes when I was bringing him up, trying to mould him into something he wasn’t, so I’m taking a back seat now. I’m just here to support him in what he wants to make of his life, and to guide him away from anything criminal.

“Yeah, we’re open until late tonight.”

I’d like to tell him to come straight home but have to remember he’s an adult now. I also trust him to keep his head down low and not contact anyone from his previous life. He knows as well as I do that one slip-up and it could bring Alder to our door. Dan doesn’t need a reason to fear Alder, Alder’s men had given him that themselves when they’d beaten him just short of death.

---