Page 44 of Being Lost

My eyes widen in desire and shock as he spouts promises in words no man has ever used in front of me before.

Phil had never gone down on me. My only knowledge of the act is hearing people talk, reading posts which made me giggle on social media, or from books. I wasn’t quite sure what I’d feel about participating in that act until Lost mentioned doing those things to me. While mentally I hadn’t leaped on board, apparently my body already has as my legs have pressed together.

I’d married Phil when I was twenty-six years old, after he’d taken my virginity and gave me Beth in return. Sex was okay, enough not to object when Phil was in the mood, but not earth-shattering either, just something to do before you fell asleep at night. The picture Lost is painting, well, I haven’t felt my stomach clench this way in years, if ever, and I can feel myself becoming wet.I want that.Shouldn’t I, as a woman, experience sex like Lost’s describing just once in my life? Before I’m an old hag and it’s too late.

As if he knows I’m weakening, he tells me again, “I want you, Patsy. I can’t remember when I ever fuckin’ wanted a woman so much.”

I’m completely lost for words. The image he’s placed in my head of him and me, naked in bed, is seriously affecting my brain-to-mouth coordination.

“Too much,” he murmurs as though to himself. “Knew I’d fuck this up.” He shrugs and walks back to his bike. He leans over it for a moment, his hands on the seat, his arms rigid and head bowed. He breathes in a deep breath, then glances back. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

I know he’s misunderstood. Running over to him, I take hold of his arm. “It’s not you. It’s not what you said. Lost. If I could, I’d stay with you. You’re attracted to me, and heaven help me, but I’m attracted to you. I want, God, do I want everything you said. But we can’t start anything. It’s wrong timing. If Alder didn’t know where I was…”

“You’d stay?” He raises an eyebrow. “If Alder wasn’t in the picture, you’d consider staying with me?”

Again I gaze at his face, reading honesty there, and decide to be truthful in return. “If Alder hadn’t reared his head, I’d be more cautious than I am. And you, I suspect, wouldn’t have come on so strong to me.” I pause and look back over the Pacific again. “It’s like people heading off to war. Making decisions, wanting to act in the now in case they don’t get that chance again.”

He smirks. “Do you want to act in the now, Patsy?”

For once in my life, I’m tempted to take the chance. If I didn’t, would I regret it all my life? “If,” I put an emphasis on the word, “if I were staying, I might. My children are grown. I can’t live my life based around them anymore, it wouldn’t be fair to them.” My arms automatically wrap around me. “It’s a scary thought, Lost. I was burned, badly, by Phil. He was so charming when we met, I thought I’d won the jackpot.” I try to find the words to explain why I was ever taken in by the man. “I was never the popular girl. I was shy and nervous, so I wasn’t asked out by many boys. I didn’t go to college, instead I worked a number of low-paying jobs. Like Beth, I still lived at home with my mom. My dad had died when I was young.”

“Your mom still alive?”

“She died shortly before Connor was born. She was in a car crash.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. The loss of the best confidant in my life was still hard to come to terms with. “I’d had a good relationship with her, just like the one I had with Beth. Mom had always told me of the great love she’d shared with my father, and in some ways I think she was my role model, and I wanted to duplicate how she’d lived. So, if a man asked me out, I was always trying to see if he could be the love of my life. I never found him.”

“How the fuck did you end up with a man like Phil?”

“Partly me, partly him. He was the most charming man I’d ever met, Lost. Confident, funny, he made me feel like I was the centre of his world. Until he took my virginity.”

His eyes widen. “Are you saying you’ve only ever been with one man?”

“Sad, isn’t it? But yes. I’d been cautious until I met him, more cautious after.”

He shakes his head and heaves a sigh. “Why the fuck did you marry him, Patsy?”

“Because I fell pregnant. It was a shock for both of us, but he stepped up to do the right thing. At the time, he was establishing his position as an accountant and it helped him to have stability at home, made him seem more reliable or something.” I turn away from him, my mind going back to the past. “He wasn’t my dad.” I give a mirthless laugh. “The charming man I’d first met wasn’t the one I ended up with. He always knew better than everyone, and certainly better than me. He was egotistical. Everything was about him and how clever he was. He could be cruel without trying.”

“But you stayed with him?”

“I was his wife. I had Beth. It’s what you do, isn’t it? Try to make your marriage work. He didn’t want more kids, but Connor came along anyway. I suppose it was having a baby again that occupied my time, and I didn’t pay attention to how he was changing and what he was becoming. He’d always been secretive, but it had gotten worse. He’d become shifty, and I knew he was spending more money than we had coming in. That’s when I suspected. When the cops turned up, I knew.”

“That’s when you left him?”

I nod. “I took my opportunity, Lost. I took advantage of a man when he was down. He’d been money laundering. Somehow he’d gotten away with it and wasn’t charged, but he lost his job, and the police were just waiting for him to step out of line. It was his moment of weakness, and I took it. Whether I’d ever truly loved him, there was nothing left at that point. I couldn’t live with a man who I was certain would go to prison at any time. I was going to end up alone and wanted that to be on my terms. So, I asked him to leave.”

“And he did?” Lost’s voice has changed, has become hardened. “Did he suggest he could change?”

“I didn’t give him the chance.” I think back, trying to find something to justify what I’d done. All the arguments we’d had. His promises that I hadn’t believed, his vows to go straight. “I couldn’t, Lost. I may not have been in love with the man, but I would have stood by him if he’d lost his job through no fault of his own. He hated that I didn’t support him and that I didn’t stand up for him. He thought that’s what I should have done because his ring was on my finger. But I had to look after myself, and my children.”

A shuttered look comes over Lost’s eyes. Something I’ve said has resonated with him. “You had to look out for yourself,” he says, quietly, his body tense. Then he snaps. “He spiralled downward after that? Did you ever think that had you supported him, he might not have gone totally bad? That you might have been a stabilising influence on him?”

“Lost?” I’m confused.Why does he sound like he’s taking my ex’s side?“I spent years turning a blind eye to his behaviour as I was trying to make our marriage work. He was always on his downward spiral, as you call it, but he was getting worse. He didn’t care who he hurt, only how much he could get away with. He was the only thing that mattered in his world.”

Lost is shaking his head, and I notice his body looks tense. He’s viewing the scenery but clearly not seeing it.

---