Page 53 of Being Lost

Smoker had introduced himself, and you could tell when he was in the room. He was usually coughing. After a particularly heavy bout, Eva had appeared and gone over to him, looking concerned. He hadn’t sounded a well man to me but suspect it’s down to all the cigarettes. I notice he’d go outside, then come back in reeking of smoke. My creased brow had gotten Salem to confide that due to Tyler’s prior bad health, the clubroom is, nowadays, surprisingly smoke-free.

All the time I was listening to the men, I kept flicking my eyes toward the stairs, hoping and equally dreading seeing Lost again. But he never reappeared. I’d found the whole atmosphere welcoming, and I had enjoyed the evening’s insight into his world. Or would have done, were it not for my concerns about what the future now held for me.

I couldn’t understand what had turned Lost, like a switch being thrown from potential lover to a man who seemed to regard me with hate. While at first I’d been bristling, I wondered now whether I’d poorly worded something which he had taken the wrong way. I knew deep in my soul there was nothing I could have said or done to make Phil step off the path he was intent on going down. I had no choice but to make sure he dragged neither me nor the kids down it with him. But maybe it hadn’t come over that way.

Misinterpretation or not, I was going to need an apology for the words Lost had thrown at me and the way he’d treated me.

I was certain any chance of even a happily for now with Lost is dead and gone, but I’d prefer to leave on good terms, not bad. I needed to talk to him to at least clear the air, but that night I didn’t get my chance. I went to bed with my head full of lost opportunities, and with no idea of how to set things right.

This morning I’d woken up excited about the promised phone call with Beth. Hopefully, we’d be able to talk for a while as I’m sure we’ve got a lot to catch up on. I want to hear what she and Ink have done to the house, what changes they’ve made, and how she’s enjoying living with her man. I know my daughter, once she starts, she’ll tell me everything. I doubt our phone call will be short.

I’ve been on tenterhooks all morning, happily anticipating one conversation which can’t come soon enough, while also dreading confronting Lost. Having slept on it, I realise primarily I’m angry. His mood swing yesterday had been dizzying.

When he’d at last emerged and walked past mid-morning looking like he’d been dragged from the wrong side of his bed, he’d walked past with his head bowed, not even pausing to give me the time of day before heading off to take a phone call.

He hates me.

I felt sad and annoyed at the same time, all my good feelings anticipating speaking to my daughter swept away.

It’s quiet. Boring. The men are at work. I’d offered to help the prospect tidying, but he brushed me off, saying it was his job to handle. Alex hasn’t turned up, and Dan’s gone with Salem to the auto-shop. I while away the time on my tablet, idly swiping through clothing designs and other sites which might help me with my business.

Finally, when I’ve almost reached the end of my tether, I get the summons I was waiting for. It was time to go and speak to Beth.

Last time I spoke to her I felt guilty as hell even though I’d taken what I’d hoped were the right precautions. I watch television and knew burner phones were hard to trace. Knowing I was doing something I shouldn’t have done had made me feel tense, now I know with good reason. It had been a hurried call just to check in with her to see that things were all well. Three or four minutes at best.

Today, I’m told, the phones have been checked both at the San Diego end by Token, and by Cad in Colorado. I’ve been assured the connection is secure. There’s no rush, and we can take our time. I’m determined to make the most of it.

After the initial excitement, both Beth and I burst into tears and can hardly get out a word. Ink’s chuckling in the background saying the call was supposed to make us both happy, not upset. His gentle chiding helps us to pull ourselves together.

I make light of the reason Connor and I are at the San Diego club, and just listen to Beth prattle on, as expected, about all the changes Ink and she have done to my house. It doesn’t upset me that my home for so long is being usurped and altered by them. It had been in need of an update. I just wish I could see the new kitchen and appliances they’d had installed. Her choice of granite counters sounds great.

I wonder if she’s already run out of things to say as it goes quiet on their end. Then Beth speaks again, her voice growing husky.

“We’ve got some news for you, Mom.”

“Go on, tell me.”

I think I’m prepared for anything until she rushes it out. “Ink and I are expecting a baby. It’s early days, I’m just over two months along.”

“You’re pregnant?” I shriek into the phone.

“We didn’t plan for it, but it happened. We’re both over the moon, Mom. Except…” Her voice breaks. I don’t need to be a genius to work out what isn’t being said.

Except I’m thousands of miles away and can’t be there for her. If I leave again, I may never be able to speak to her again. I won’t be there for the birth, won’t be able to hold my granddaughter or grandson. The implications flood through me. I try to hold back the tears, but Beth knows me too well.

“Mom…” And then she’s sobbing.

Ink’s deep voice takes over. “This is a fucked-up situation, but I know Demon’s working hard to find some way to resolve it. Hang on to hope, Patsy. That’s all we can do. We’ll find some way to keep in contact, send pictures, I don’t know. Dress up in disguise and bring the baby to meet you.”

“You can’t do that.” My sensible side takes over. “Alder’s after me, Ink. He seems to accept Connor is dead, so it has to be me he’s after. He could do anything, take Beth, take the baby… I wouldn’t put anything past him.”

“Talk to Lost, Patsy, there are things he needs to tell you.”

“Tell us, Ink.” Beth’s voice sounds stronger. “I should know things which affect me or Mom.”

“Club business,” Ink says firmly and decisively.

“Ink!”

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