Page 81 of Being Lost

Angrily I wipe my eyes dry, knowing I’ve no choice. I have to go now, before it becomes too great a temptation to spend more nights in Lost’s bed.

What does Alder want from me?If only I knew, maybe I could give it to him then stay. Or maybe leaving won’t be forever. Maybe Alder will get arrested and be put away, and then I’ll be able to return and maybe have my happily ever after.

I will survive. I’ve spent eighteen years on my own, bringing up my children with no one to support me. I did it and never complained. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone to lean on. I can do what’s necessary again, even though it would hurt me. At least I won’t have the pain of being responsible for the death of anyone close to me. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the light fade from Lost’s eyes.

My decision is made. I’m leaving. Today.

I use Lost’s shower, use his toiletries too, knowing I’ll smell of his body wash, at least until I bathe myself again. The water washes away my tears and I try to plant a smile on my face as I retreat to my room, using my own toothbrush to clean my teeth. Half of me wishes Lost will come out of his meeting, see what I’m doing and stop me, but the rest of me knows it’s me who’s bringing trouble down onto his head.

Before I can have second thoughts, I pack my bag, mentally running through everything I need to do.

One of the members drove my car to the compound, so I’ve transportation at least. My son. What do I do about him? How can I tell him goodbye? He’ll want to come with me, and I can’t let him. Alder is after me, not him. What about Beth? If I call her to say goodbye, she’ll play on the pregnancy card and try to persuade me to stay. She’ll tell Ink, who’ll tell Lost.

Beth’s got Ink, her friends too. Mel’s about to give birth herself, she’ll be able to help Beth through. Violet too. She’ll be fine.

Will she? Will Dan?

But I can’t send Lost to his death. What if Alder brings his fight to the compound? Dan might die too. If Alder’s got so many contacts in San Diego, it’s only a matter of time before he sees Dan around. He can’t stay locked up on the compound for the rest of his life. Somehow I’ve got to draw Alder’s attention away.

I’ve got no choice.What’s the happiness of a woman in her mid-fifties against the health and wellbeing of her children? They’ll be safe if I go, that’s all I want. Dan can stay dead to the world and build a new life for himself. Lost will help him. Though we haven’t discussed it at length, I know he would.

Dan. I can’t leave without trying to explain to him. I’ll just have to make him see sense, that it will be better for everyone if I leave on my own. If I slip up again, and Alder finds me, it will only be me who pays the price.

I carry my bag down the stairs, guilty as any teenager trying to creep out of her parents’ house unseen, but all the members appear to be in their meeting with Lost, and there’s only a prospect behind the bar. Prospects, I’ve learned, obey orders and don’t ask questions. Not that I expect him to dance to my tune, but at least he should ignore what I’m doing.

Dan’s not around. Setting my bag down out of sight, I ascend the stairs again, only to find he’s not in his room either.

With a sigh, I return to the clubroom and now I do approach Wrangler.

“Do you know where Dan, my son, is?”

“Yes, ma’am. He’s in the next hangar. I overheard Salem asking him if he’d do a job.”

The hangar they’re clearing out so they can do custom work there. I’m not surprised, Dan seems to enjoy tinkering with bikes. Perhaps they’ll give him a job, and he can go to college. The world is his oyster if I can lure Alder away from him.

I’d expected to have to confront him, but now he’s out of the way, perhaps I’ll take this reprieve.

“Have you got a paper and pen?”

Behind the bar, Wrangler sinks to his haunches and then rises, my requested items in his hand. Taking the page torn from a notebook, I go to a table and start to write. It’s hard to say goodbye, but knowing any words would be inadequate, a few sentences will have to suffice.

I fold the paper, then pass it to Wrangler. “This is for Dan. Please give it to my son.”

Then, I pick up my bag.

“Where are you going?” the prospect asks, his brow furrowed.

“Just to my house to collect some more stuff.” I try to heft the bag as though it’s empty. Crossing my fingers behind my back, I add, “Lost knows all about it.”

Then, with my head held high, I exit the clubroom, taking my keys out of my purse, and walk to my car.

I worry someone might be manning the gate, but I’m in luck. There’s no one there and it slides open as I approach it. No last obstacle to impede my escape. I sigh with relief as I drive through. I’m free.

My jubilation is short lived.What do I do now?

The only thing I can do. Drive. But where? I try to get excited that I can go anywhere I want, but I can’t even think of a direction in which I should be headed.

I like the ocean, and the warmer climate.Maybe I should make my way across the southern states, maybe all the way to Florida. I’ll drive as far as I can each day, and perhaps I’ll come across somewhere that will appeal to me as a place to settle down. The only limiting thing will be my dwindling money.

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