Page 82 of Being Lost

I need to earn. I’ll need to work, keep posting my designs to my website. At least the company that is currently buying them will hopefully continue. I can work anywhere.

I point my car east on I-8 and put my foot to the metal, well, obeying the speed limits of course.

As I drive, the immensity of what I’m doing hits me. I’m running as I couldn’t get attached to Lost. Or any more than I have already. One more night in his bed, and I wouldn’t have left. I regret last night, considering it would have been better to live my life without knowing the pleasure I could find with Lost. On the other hand, though, I’m grateful to have experienced it, and to have the memory to hold on to for the rest of time.

Oh God, what have I done? I’ve left Beth without a word. I didn’t have the guts to face Dan either.

I’ve been a fool.I didn’t speak to anyone as they’d all have told me this is the wrong thing to do.

Should I turn back?

I pull off the road at the next rest stop, trying to park away from the trailer outfits against which my car looks tiny. I try to make myself think rationally.

If I go back now, I’ll never have the strength to leave again. I know myself too well. Lost will know what I’ve done by now and will do everything short of tying me to his bed to prevent me—actually I wouldn’t put that past him. Dan will pressure me by saying my place is with him now and will use Beth’s condition to persuade me.

I tap my hands on the steering wheel.What do I do?

It comes back to the question, what does Alder want from me?

However hard I think back, Phil never told me or even hinted about what he and Alder were into. He didn’t even share the names of his legitimate clients with me, let alone details of plans he and his brother-in-law had. The information that was left in the safe deposit box is ancient history now, it has to be. It all comes down to Alder thinking it was me who dropped him in it to the feds and not knowing exactly what I shared with them.

What if I do make it to Florida? What would I do there? Settle down, live a new life. How could I be happy without my family around me? Never knowing what’s happening in their lives and always looking behind me.

I’m unhappy now and will probably be that way for the rest of my life. I can’t see me ever finding peace again having left everything I love behind me.

The beginnings of an idea form in my mind. I’ll get far enough away then try to make contact with Alder. God knows how, the feds couldn’t find him. But if I slipped up again, and this time deliberately, maybe I could draw him out? Find out what he wants, then… Well, let’s be honest, he might kill me. But there’s a chance I might make him see that I’ve no information that can harm him, and never have. Maybe there’s a chance I’ll see my family and Lost again. It’s worth the risk. Without them, I’ve not much to live for.

I sob. Dan, Beth and Lost. Can I really survive never seeing them again?

I sob again. I won’t survive. Not if I’ve given up everything that means anything to me. Have I been foolish? Should I have leaned on Lost? But for eighteen years, longer if I’m honest, I’ve relied on no one but myself. The thought of passing over my safety into someone else’s hands is scary.

I seem to be frozen. I can’t move forward; I can’t go back. I don’t know what the hell to do for the best.

I can’t even drive on. I wouldn’t be able to see the road through my tears.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Lost

Dart stands, patting his pockets to check he’s got everything with him. “I’ve got a woman and family to get home to.”

I raise my chin toward him, realising I’ve been speaking about myself, and haven’t enquired about his. “Baby doing well?”

He grimaces slightly. “She’s teething, which means we’re not sleeping.”

There are some benefits to not having children it would seem. “Bring her to the compound soon, Dart. Been a while since I’ve seen my niece.” Might not have my own kids, but I can be a relative by proxy.

“She gets spoiled rotten when she’s here,” he complains, but the curve of his lips shows not seriously.

“Hey, Prez?” Token’s at the door. “Patsy’s gone.”

“Gone?” I swing around, trying to interpret the words in any way that could suggest he didn’t mean them to sound as they had. But one look at his face and I feel as though someone’s poured ice cold water down my back.

“Yeah.” Token’s nostrils flare as he pushes a prospect into the room. “Fucker here didn’t think to stop her.”

“I didn’t know,” Wrangler wails his defence. “She said you knew, Lost. There was no reason to tell anyone. She left a note for her son.”

No note for me?I hold out my hand and snap, “Give it to me.”

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