Page 40 of Shattered Mind

The first time I had one of these, I almost passed out. I remember the way my heart beat double time in my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what was happening to me, or why, but I was sure I was dying. And at the time, I welcomed it.

They happened often after that first time. It was almost like I lived my life waiting for the next one, and it was crippling. I stopped leaving the house because I didn’t want anyone to witness me crumble.

It wasn’t until I started therapy that I learned what I was experiencing was anxiety. And with some basic breathing techniques I could control them, instead of letting them control me. And for the most part, it had worked. Every so often, on Reuben’s anniversary or birthday – when I visited his grave – they’d hit me out ofnowhere, but other than that, I had control again. Until Hunter was stabbed.

It was like a glaring reminder not to get too comfortable. That life can change at the drop of a hat, and my world could easily be turned upside down all over again.

I guess this is just the universes way of telling me that my future will never be like my brothers. Like some sick kind of revenge for even daring to imagine it for even a moment.

The soft click of the door behind me lets me know that someone has followed me out here, but I don’t lift my head to see who it is. I know it’s Olivia without even looking.

Her familiar coconut scent wraps around me like a comfort blanket as she takes a seat next to me. My skin prickles in awareness as heat radiates from her body and each second that passes in comfortable silence has my breaths coming a little easier. She doesn’t make a smart-ass comment. Doesn’t try to crack a joke or ask any questions, just offers me her silent support and in that moment I’m grateful.

I don’t know how long we sit like that before I finally raise my head and cast a sideways glance at Liv. She gives me a soft smile. “Wanna talk about it?”

I shake my head, and she gives me a nod in return, turning her gaze back out towards the paddocks. I follow her line of sight and watch Hunters horse, Luna, as she chews on hay peacefully, her tail swaying happily.

Liv’s voice breaks the silence, and I turn my head to watch her as she speaks. “The first time I had a panic attack I was fifteen.”

She meets my eyes before continuing. “I had just found out that I was going into the system. My parents were dead, and I was alone in the world. An orphan.”

An image of a younger version of Liv flashes in my mind. Scared and alone after the death of her parents as a stranger adds to her grief and my chest aches.

“I remember that blind panic I felt when I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything around me felt fake. Like I was trapped inside a glass bubble screaming for help and people were just passing me by. They couldn’t see me. Couldn’t hear me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, all I knew was I wanted my mum, and she wasn’t here anymore.” She looks away from me as she wipes a stray tear from her face. “I was recovering from my own injuries, surrounded by police officers and social workers and not one of them could see that I was falling apart right there in the waiting room. And then Savannahs mum was there. She came storming into that hospital, wrapped me in her arms and told them I was going home with her. For the first time in hours, somebody saw me.”

Liv has a watery smile on her face as she recalls the memory, and I remain silent, not wanting her to stop talking. I have no idea why she’s telling me this, but as she continues it becomes clear that this woman, so full of life and hope, has experienced a pain far worse than I have ever known.

Her sky-blue eyes shine with unshed tears as they land on mine. “I don’t know where I’d be now if that day had played out differently. And I’m aware of what you think of me. But I want you to know that I see you, Grayson.”

I open my mouth to ask what she thinks I think of her, but she stands, brushing the dirt off her dress before turning and walking back into Hunter’s house, leaving me bewildered as I stare at the door she entered through.

I stay there for a while, replaying everything she told me. Imagining how she must have felt in those worstmoments of her life. How she overcame it all and became the woman she is today.

But the last thought I have before I stand and follow her inside is for the first timein four years, I feel seen.

CHAPTER 20

OLIVIA

Another two weeks pass without running into Grayson and although I’m no longer avoiding him, I’m starting to wonder if he’s now the one avoiding me.

He eventually rejoined us at the table at Savannah and Hunter’s, and we finished our food without bringing up the fact he left abruptly due to a panic attack. Hunter had watched him closely the entire time, but Grayson avoided making eye contact with any of us before grumbling something about needing to check on Casper and hightailing it out of there.

I knew he was battling with something internally. That much is clear just on the surface, but it wasn’t until I watched the way his whole demeanour changed. The way his shoulders drew up tight and his hand shook as he excused himself that I realised it went a lot deeper.

I still don’t know exactly what happened to Grayson, but I am above prying. If he wanted me to know his problems, he’d tell me. I won’t go looking for answers from other people, no matter how curious I am.

I did however, cave and ask Savannah to get his phone number from Hunter for me. The minute she sends the number to me I open a new text thread.

Me: Hey. I get the sense that you’re avoiding me, but I just wanted to check you’re okay…

It sounds lame, but I click send anyway and strap my phone to my arm before starting my daily run. My feet slap against the pavement and my lungs work overtime to regulate my breathing as I find my rhythm.

Running was part of my daily routine back in the UK. It’s always been a way for me to clear my head. To make sense of my thoughts. I’ve always found it invigorating. Refreshing. But there’s something to be said about running in a place like Rosewater Creek.

From the moment we drove into town, this place had me enraptured. It’s hard to believe that places like this exist in the world if you haven’t seen them with your own eyes.

The air here just feels clean. Although, in some parts of town it’s slightly tainted by the scent of manure. The way the mountains are a backdrop to the entire town looks almost surreal. Like someone draped an overside image on the outskirts of town. It’s so still and peaceful here. A complete contrast to life in London.

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