Page 53 of Shattered Mind

Liv comes to stand by my side, staying silent as she waits for me to find my words. I suck in a deep breath and release it. Emotion clogs my throat as I turn to her. “When I was two, I went to the park with my mom and Hunter. She was heavily pregnant with Noah at the time and trying to find ways to exhaust us before dinner time, so she didn’t have to chase us around the ranch. On this particular day, I met a little boy the same age as me and my mom says we were instantly joined at the hip. Every day I’d ask her totake me back to the park so I could play with my new friend, and everyday she’d do it.”

“I can’t think of a single memory from my childhood or teenage years that he wasn’t in from that day onwards. He was my best friend. The third brother I’d never had. He knew me better than anyone and vice versa.” I blink against the burn in my eyes.

Liv kneels beside his headstone and brushes off some stray dirt. “What happened?”

I swallow thickly. “When he found out he was going to be a dad, he decided to change his life. To make something of himself and be the kind of father his child would be proud of. He worked his ass off to become a professional bull rider. And he succeeded. He made it into the PBR and on the night of his first competition, he died.”

Liv’s eyes are wide and filled with tears as I talk but I don’t focus on them. Instead, I forge ahead, letting out a humourless laugh. “You know it’s funny. People in town whisper about how it was to be expected from such a dangerous career. How we all should’ve seen it coming. But it wasn’t even the bull that killed him. He would’ve survived the fall from the bull. He would’ve had a long recovery, but he’d still be here. It was a horse that killed him. A rodeo clown that was trying to clear the arena but wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings. His horse trampled over my best friends unconscious body and killed him right there in front of hundreds of people.”

She stands now, her hands gripping my face as she looks at me, but I don’t see her. All I see is the whole thing happening all over again in front of my eyes and I’m powerless to stop it.

Her lips touch mine gently and I blink, clearing my vision and gripping her hips, holding her to my body. I soak up her warmth, using it to ground me as I continue, “thefamily you saw me with today aren’t mine. They’re his. His daughter is my goddaughter, and her mother, Rebecca is my friend. It’s a little insulting that you’d think I’m the type of guy that would do something like that to begin with.”

Silent tears stream down her face as I hold her to me, and she looks up at me. I expect to see pity in her eyes, but I don’t. All I see there is understanding in the blue depths. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

I shake my head. “I know what it looked like, Liv. And I want you to know that as long as this is happening,” I gesture between us, “you are the only woman in my bed.”

She nods before wrapping her arms around me in a hug that takes me by surprise. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

I return her embrace, pulling her tighter against me as the wind picks up, sending a chill down my spine. And as she clings to me and I to her, something shifts inside of me as the wall around my heart begins to crumble.

***

It’s almost midnight when I pull up in front of Liv’s house. After I finally opened up about Rueben we sat by his graveside while I told her stories of the time we spent together growing up.

It was oddly freeing, telling her about the man that had such a big impact on my life growing up. And allowing her to see a small piece of me beneath the mask I keep in place around every person in my life.

Tonight is the first time I’ve spoken about the events of the night we lost him. The first time I’ve been able to even voice the words. I think a part of me thought that if I didn’t say them, they wouldn’t be true. I also think that’s why I tend to avoid anything that reminds me of Rueben. Like Ihave somehow convinced myself that if I avoid his parents, his grave, and his daughter, then I won’t have to face the fact that he’s gone and never coming back.

In a way, I’ve spent the last four years of my life living in denial. I know that now. I’ve spent half of my twenties hiding behind a façade. Made myself believe that if I didn’t allow anyone or anything to get close to me, that I’d somehow be safe from feeling the pain that comes with inevitably losing them. And as much as I’m aware that it’s not right. Notnormal. There’s still something within me that holds me back from dropping my walls and allowing myself tofeel.

Liv rolls her head against the seat until her eyes meet mine and gives me a soft smile. “I’m sorry about your friend, Gray. He sounds like a good person.”

I clear the lump of emotion from my throat. “He was. You two would’ve gotten along well.”

She hums. “I wish I’d have gotten the chance to meet him.”

Liv leans across the seat and places a kiss on my stubbled jaw before climbing out of the truck and walking towards her house. I drop my head back against the seat, close my eyes and suck in a deep breath as I replay the entire day in my head.

When I first locked eyes with Liv in the park earlier, the first thing I felt was surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see her there. But then I saw the betrayal on her face and my surprise quickly morphed into fear. Not because I was doing anything wrong, because I wasn’t. To anyone that knew us, it was completely normal for me to be spending time with Ruebens daughter. But to someone who doesn’t know us, like Liv, it did look bad. And for a split second, I was afraid.

I spent the entire time after she took off running with a foreign knot in my stomach. That knot didn’t loosen again until I knew she understood what she really saw. I’m not certain what that feeling means yet, but what I do know is, the thought of losing what I have with Liv incites a fear inme that I wasn’t expecting.

CHAPTER 28

OLIVIA

The sound of laughter greets me as I walk through the front door. I remove my shoes and jacket, hanging it up on the coat rack next to the door and round the corner to the living room.

Bella and Daisy are curled up beneath an oversized fleece blanket with a bowl of popcorn between them as a movie plays on the screen in front of them. The room is dark, save for the soft glow coming from the TV and I debate turning around and going straight to my bedroom.

It’s a strange feeling, walking into your house and finding other people doing something that you usually do with your best friend and a pang of jealousy hits as I watch them from the doorway.

Just as I’m about to leave the room, Bella notices me and picks up the TV remote, pausing the film. “Hey. Weren’t sure if you’d be back tonight. Come join us,” she lifts the blanket in invitation, and I scoot in next to them as Daisy passes me the popcorn.

“What are we watching?” I ask, grabbing a handful from the bowl.

“Bridesmaids,” Daisy answers.

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