Page 61 of A Midlife Marriage

Poof! Everything vanished. The clamminess of her hands, the weight of her heart in her mouth. All gone. The remembrance of how she had leaned back to show her legs off, theI would have loved to …All gone because … ‘The smallholding?’ she said, sun in her world and her face again. ‘You mean the smallholding?’

Slowly, Tomasz let go of her hands and edged back to his seat. ‘Of course,’ he said, not taking his eyes off her. ‘Of course, the smallholding.’

‘Yes!’ Caro smiled, almost delirious with relief as she pressed her hands together. ‘I told you! I’m a hundred percent sure. And when we get back, we need ––’

‘What did you think I was talking about?’

She blinked.

‘What else, Caro?’

She looked at him, and he looked back at her, and above them, the sky closed over. There was no point in trying to fudge a denial of what they had both so clearly seen. That moment of blue, when she had thought all her storms were over. And if it had been deniable before, a nebulous cloud that she might have dispersed, it had solidified now, this heavy third presence in the room: her dishonesty. She had two choices. She could tell him and lose him. Or not tell him and lose him.

Tomasz shook his head. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘Please.’ But the genie was out of the bottle, and they both knew it.

‘This is not what you want,’ he said, as he stood up. ‘I don’t know what it is that you’re not telling me. I don’t know if you’rehaving doubts about me, or the move, but something doesn’t add up. You say you’re certain?’ He shrugged. ‘I’m sorry, Caro but I don’t believe you. No,’ he added, raising his palm as if to stop her speaking, as if she’d tried to speak.

Had she? She didn’t know, she sat, hands still clasped, ears ringing.

‘I can’t marry you, when I know you’re not being honest.’

And in the pause that followed, all she had to do was stand up and say,I am being honest. I am.She stayed silent and she stayed sitting.

Hands in his pockets, Tomasz nodded. ‘If we go ahead, one of us - or both of us - is going to end up unhappy. I don’t want that,’ he added. ‘I don’t think either of us have time left for that.’

Still, she didn’t speak.

‘Caro.’ Tomasz sat down again. ‘I know you’ve been trying, but it’s not you. This life we’re trying to make, it’s not you.’

‘It can be,’ she whispered. ‘It really can be.’

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t think you even know yourself, what you want.’

Lips pressed together, she listened to the echo of his words. They sounded as if they were coming from a place that was light and spacious, a place that, amidst this sudden darkness, was tantalisingly reachable. ‘OK.’ Slowly, she looked up. ‘You’re right. The smallholding is a lot more work than I had imagined.’ Hearing herself say the words out loud, felt like forcing open a door that had been wedged stuck.

‘It is,’ he agreed. ‘It’s a lot of work.’

‘So.’ Her face brightening, Caro inched forward to the edge of her seat. ‘If we’re not sure, let’s have a re-think? After the wedding, we can move back here and …’

‘No.’

One softly enunciated syllable.No.

‘No?’ she said

‘No,’ he repeated.

‘Why not?’ She’d flung a rope out to him, and he’d walked the other way.

‘Because I am sure,’ he said. ‘This iswhat I want, Caro. And that leaves us wanting different things.’

‘But we can …’ Her voice died. There was nothing left to say, and as they sat looking at each other they both knew it. If they came back to London, Tomasz at her flat, never going barefoot, doing a job he hated, he would be as unsettled as she had been. It was exactly as he had just said, they wanted different things. ‘What will you do,’ she whispered, as if it was all decided.

‘I’m going back to Poland. I’ll see the contract out first, we made a commitment, and I’ll fulfil it.’

She bit down on her lip. It was decided then.

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