Page 69 of A Midlife Marriage

Helen shook her head. ‘I’m enjoying it.’

The man was Lawrence, and the child, Ben, and their battle had been going on a few minutes now. Up the stairs Ben had sprinted, then back down again. Up, and then down again. With no obvious gain on either side, things had reached a stalemate and right now, Ben was lying flat on his back, all four of his limbs stretched to sky like an upturned insect. Chin dipped, Helen chuckled as first Ben threw the banana Lawrence had been trying to bribe him with, over his shoulder, second as Lawrence then threw Ben over his shoulder and hefted him up the stairs.

‘Have you two had a good morning?’ she said, when they reached the top step.

‘Fine,’ Lawrence muttered, and turning to Libby he thrust a still squirming Ben towards her. ‘Time for Mummy.’

‘Ugh! He stinks!’ Libby screwed her face up. ‘When did you last change him? And what is …’ She stopped talking,prising Ben’s fingers open to reveal a handful of crushed fries. ‘McDonalds?’ she cried. ‘Did you give him McDonalds, Dad?’

‘I had to,’ Lawrence said helplessly. ‘I had bananas with me, but they’re the wrong shape apparently. And he wouldn’t eat the casserole.’

Oh, Helen could have laughed! She could have fallen back on a big fat pillow embroidered all over with,Told You so.She didn’t. She simply stepped aside as Libby, unburdened Lawrence of the changing bag, and with an exasperated, ‘I’ll sort him out’,disappeared inside

‘So,’ Helen said.

Lawrence tucked his shirt in and ran his hands through his hair. He had a haggard look about him, not so dissimilar, she was thinking, from the look he’d had after he’d climbed Everest.

‘What happened?’ He nodded toward the door.

Helen also turned to look at the closed door. ‘I’m not entirely sure,’ she said. Which wasn’t quite true. She had a good idea. Caro would have told Tomasz.

‘Was it Caro?’

‘I think so.’

Lawrence nodded. ‘Well,’ he started. ‘She ––’

‘Don’t.’ It was a command, and to back it up she raised her hand. She didn’t want to hear his opinion. She knew what he thought anyway. He thought that Tomasz and Caro were a pair of odd socks. And although she couldn’t help but agree, she did not want to hear that echoed. For a while Caro had been happy, and for now, that was where she wanted to stay.

‘I was going to say …’

Helen lowered her hand.

‘I was just going to say that Caro deserves to be happy. If this wasn’t ––’

‘It wasn’t.’ Helen shook her head. ‘I don’t think it was right. I don’t think she would have been happy.’

‘Helen.’

‘Lawrence.’

They spoke together, and then neither of them spoke and in the pause that followed, Helen lifted her chin and looked away. This was why people cried at weddings. Promising yourself to another, doing that publicly, took courage. And it didn’t matter if those promises got broken because the memory could not be defiled: the truth that, in one time and at one place, two people had been so sure, so selfless in their commitment to one another, they were able to stand up and say,I do.Like she had, with Lawrence, and Lawrence had with her.

‘We were happy, weren’t we?’ he said, as if he had read her thoughts. ‘When we first started, I mean?’ His hands were in his pockets, his head tilted as if he couldn’t be confident of the answer.

Helen smiled. ‘I was very happy.’

‘Until you weren’t?’

‘Until I wasn’t. Yes.’

He nodded, his back straight, his jaw set as he stood looking across the stairs.

‘I think,’ Helen started, ‘that we ––’

‘You should take this job.’ Lawrence turned. ‘You stayed home long enough, Helen. You should take the job.’

Helen didn’t speak. She looked down at her hands, folded over the thin strap of her purse, her throat hard.

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