Page 156 of Off The Ice

Cassie

Over and over and over. Repetition. Cycles.

There was a reason why the same thoughts raced through my brain at all times, and my anxieties played on a constant loop.

It was because I was living in the same cycle over and over. My bad scenarios weren’t a matter ofifthey might happen but a matter of when. I knew that as I stared down at my mother’s comatose body, hooked up to more wires and machines than I could count.

She’d been doing well. I’d talked to her just a day ago. Or maybe two?

I let my head fall into my hands. Two days was apparently plenty of time to drink yourself into needing to be sedated.

I didn’t fully understand everything the doctors were saying, only that her body had gone into some kind of shock from nothaving alcohol in her system. They said it can happen when someone dependent stops drinking suddenly—but in her case, it wasn’t like she chose to stop. Either she ran out, or her body just got too sick to keep going. And that was enough to send everything spiraling.

Seizures. Skyrocketing blood pressure. Heart failure.

I couldn’t fathom it.

Her body physically craved alcohol so strongly that it was trying to destroy her when it wasn’t in her system anymore. Part of me was heartbroken. But another part of me, that angry monster that lurked inside, was furious that she let her addiction get to a point where not having a drink would kill her.

That was why I never felt safe or secure. The reason it was so hard for me to let my guard down. She was the one who was supposed to protect me from the world, not the reason I was afraid to really live in it.

And because of that, I ruined everything with Liam. And then I took off from the game tonight. I was sure he was sick of me running and crying and all the emotional whiplash I was sure I had given him. I wouldn’t blame him if he was done with me for good after this. Even as a friend.

The room was dim, and I was glad for it. It hurt too much to see her like this. I’d seen her barely conscious or passed out from alcohol. But now it felt eerie, like she was gone for good.

The doctors had medicated her into the state of sedation she was currently in, but I was worried that this was something she wouldn’t wake up from. Part of me wondered if I’d spoken to my mom for the last time without ever knowing it. The thought had tears springing to my eyes all over again.

Alone, again.

I was always alone.

Until the nurses came in, just passing by. A round on their shift. Nothing memorable or special. Even though my world was crashing down around me, this was routine for them.

So, I tried to pull myself together.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked again, begging for reassurance that no one had been able to concretely give.

As always, I was met with a tight-lipped response that did little to settle my nerves.

“I don’t want to lie to you,” a man in a white coat said. “Your mother is critically sick.”

I felt it like a punch to the gut.

“We’re doing everything we can, and there’s a possibility of recovery, but she’s not out of the woods yet.”

I nodded grimly, staring up at him with a trembling lip.

“But there’s still a chance, right?”

“Yes.” He nodded, looking at me with something like pity. “There’s a chance.”

That’s all I needed. Just a shot at everything being okay. I just needed her to make it through.

I stared up at the muted television playing in the corner of the room, if only to distract myself. I didn’t want to watch as they cared for someone who, by all accounts, should be able to care for themselves.

The Harbor Wolves game was playing. The one I’d been at just an hour ago. It was hard to believe that I’d been there, watching Liam play the game of his life, only to now be sitting here, watching my mother fight for hers.

I scanned the figures, so impossibly small on the screen, looking for the number twenty-six. They moved so fast it was hard to tell, but after a few moments of searching, I started to panic.

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