Page 161 of Off The Ice

“For what?” She blinked up in confusion.

I stared.

“For rehab, Mom.”

“Oh, honey.” She laughed. “I don’t need that.”

“B-but,” I stuttered, brain freezing in confusion. “But you do, Mom. Do you know that you almost died this time? This wasn’t just withdrawal. This time it was bad.”

“Honey,” she said. “I love that you worry about me, but you don’t need to. This isn’t going to happen again, I promise.”

“You promise?” I asked numbly.

Those words.

I’d heard them my whole life.

About everything from showing up for one of my school events to coming home on time to taking me somewhere because we hadn’t spent time together in days. Each one more painful than the last until I learned that promises were nothing more than empty words made to be broken.

And then it clicked. I couldn’t help her if she didn’t want me to.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Mom. I really am,” I said, voice detached. “And you know that I love you. I’ve loved you more than anyone for my whole life.”Myself included.“But I can’t keep doing this over and over. It’s killing me.”

“Cassie, stop being dramatic.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re always so dramatic.”

I stood up mechanically, feeling the finality of the moment settle over me. The acceptance I’d never quite felt before now.

“I hope you get better, Mom. I really, really do.”

She needed me. I knew that. But she needed alcohol more. And if that’s the choice she was making, then I had to make one of my own. Even if it broke my heart to do it.

“But, if you don’t, well, I won’t be here to see it.” I turned to leave.

“Cassie,” her voice cried out indignantly. “Cassie, stop.”

“Bye, Mom,” I told her, vowing to myself that it was the last time I let my life be pulled in by the chaos of her drinking.

And while my mother wasn’t very good at keeping her promises, I needed to keep this one to myself. For the sake of my own life and my future.

My past had been consumed by my mother and her needs, and I’d spent my life loving and hating her in equal measure. I thought if I loved her hard enough, I could fix her. Change her.

But she couldn’t be my everything anymore.

And I knew now, in a way I never really understood before, that I couldn’t be hers, either.

Liam was exactly where he said he would be.

And I surprised myself when I realized I didn’t expect anything different. Not everyone would let you down in life. He had proven that to me time and time again.

But somewhere along the way, I had let him down. And now I needed to rectify that.

I’d been so caught up in my own hurt that sometimes I didn’t stop to think that I might be the one doing the hurting.

And as I watched Liam dozing in that waiting room chair, I knew I never wanted to hurt that beautiful boy again for as long as I lived.

“Liam,” I whispered gently so as not to scare him.

He stirred immediately, opening his eyes. It must not have been a restful sleep at all.

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