Page 76 of All Your Firsts

Infatuated. Obsessed. Addicted, yes.

I don’t think I’m in love. I don’t have that in me.

“Maybe you aren’t so wise after all.”

I say nothing, but roll my eyes.

“All I’m saying is you deserve some good after all the shit you’ve been through. I owe it to you to see that it happens.”

“You don’t owe me shit. Stop saying that.”

“Don’t let her go. Work it out with Gage, sell your soul, whatever. Just...don’t let her go.”

“Why are you getting all sentimental on me?” I narrow my eyes.

I hope he’s not falling off again. Ax has been doing good. He isn’t drinking as much, and he seems happier, lighter.

The same way I’ve been feeling.

“Because I know what it’s like not to feel like you’re good enough, only to push the goodness away and lose the only light you’ve ever seen,” he says.

“You deserve it just as much as I do. Nothing has come easy for us, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t deserving of happiness,” I say.

“Maybe,” he says, just as unsure as I am about what I just said.

It’s hard to ignore the constant cacophony of self-doubt in your mind, a relentless scream that echoes your worthlessness.

It’s your darkest companion that sticks to you like a shadow, never straying far from your side.

It’s there on your worst days, lingering like a dark cloud, and still has the power to dim the brightness on the best days.

“There are no maybes. I love you, bro, but you have to let all that shit go.” If only I could take my own advice. “Let’s go see the girls.”

Seventeen

Rosie

The coffee shop has been slow today with every local at the town fair. Carnival rides, rigged games, and deep-fried food take priority over the coffee shop. Left to our own devices, Jess and I dance around the shop as we clean, fueled by the freshly brewed espressos running through our veins.

“I think I’m about ready to close up for today,” Jess says with a sigh as she removes her apron, accepting the reality that we won’t make any more money today.

“Sounds good to me! I’m exhausted anyway,” I say, holding back a yawn. It looks like the espresso didn’t do the trick.

“Vic’s been keeping you pretty busy,” Jess says with a smile.

“Maybe,” I say with a shrug, my mind going to a dirty place without even trying. What is this man doing to me?

“Are you blushing? Damn girl, you got it bad, don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Well, yes, I do. I like him a lot. More than I should, and because of that, I’m scared. I’ve never beenwith anyone before him, so I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic.”

“The first guy... ever?” she asks with wide eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve never dated anyone before,” I say, feeling embarrassed.

“Holy hell, you’re telling me...” she says, pointing at herself for emphasis with complete shock on her face. “Vic’s the first guy you’ve been with ever, like ever, ever?”

I nod.

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