Page 87 of All Your Firsts

“Are you mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“I thought—” she takes a deep breath—“that you were mad at me. What about that thing with my father? You looked upset.”

“You thought wrong,” I say with a small smile. “And you don’t need to worry about that. I should be the one who’s sorry. This is all my fault.”

“You can’t protect me from everyone all the time, Vic.”

“I can try.”

I look down at her lips and then back up at her eyes, asking for permission.

I want to make her forget, and I want to forget, too.

So, I angle my head and kiss her as deeply as she kisses me, taking my breath and all thoughts away.

Twenty

Rosie

The sensation of weightlessness in the water eludes me. Dark thoughts and despair hold me captive, suffocating my every breath.

For the past week, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own skin.

I feel lost and alone.

I feel heartbroken for the Rosie of the past who thought she could be herself. I am not myself.

I haven’t left the safety of Vic’s home. I haven’t gotten ready, gone to work, or even talked to anyone besides Vic.

I can’t help but replay the events of last weekend in my mind, like a twisted horror movie montage.

I can’t feel Vic caressing my lip as Jess spilled the drink on me or the laughter I shared with Jess as we ran from the guys.

All I feel is a cold sweat over my hollow shell as I think of the guy in the black mask who grabbed me. How I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn’t help my friend.

I feel responsible. I am responsible. I should know better.

I grew up in this life. This is all my fault. Jess is fine, according to Axl. I’m a terrible friend. I don’t want her to see me. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. It’s bad enough Vic gets to see this version of me who barely talks, eats, or takes a shower. It’s the version he’s rolled with since coming back the morning after the attack.

He brings me food three times a day, makes sure I’m safe, and he holds me. Sometimes it isn’t about the big grand gestures; it’s about the simple things, like knowing he has you and he will catch you if you fall. Which I have done more often than not. He just picks me up and wipes my tears, which have yet to stop.

I poke my finger in the water of Vic’s pool and bring it a few inches above the surface. Small droplets hit the water, and a giant ring branches out before disappearing into the depths of darkness surrounding me.

A rustling sound catches my attention, and I hold my breath. I went around the house and switched off all the lights on the outside, even the ones that would turn on automatically with any movement.

Vic would be pissed if he knew this, but I wanted to see the stars.

I wanted to find a piece of myself in the pile of pieces that I know I am. I’ve always loved gazing at the stars, but I feel nothing when I look at them.

The sound of footsteps intensifies. “Vic, is that you?” I call as I see a dark figure walk into the water.

“Shit, I didn’t know you were out here. I thought you were in bed.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

He gets closer, and his eyes narrow before going wide. “Are you fucking naked?”

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